I found my breaking point on an ordinary day, in the middle of the week, after work in the midst of getting supper ready. Seven days late, yet when I felt the empty chasm after, it was so expansive I thought I flushed my heart and dreams too. And I was suddenly so done with that feeling. I wasn't certain a life had ended that moment, but death was certainly hovering. My hope, my spirit, my life, had all been slowly draining and I wasn't sure how much there was left of me.
I knew it was time to take a break.
At that time I hadn't ever contemplated a break, it came on me suddenly, but looking back here are some signs I sure needed it.
1. I was suffering.
My mental health was on a drastic decline. I found myself in a familiar pattern I thought I had overcome. I began to intensely internalize my feelings, but that only amplified my anxieties and grief. Feeling alone, without a lot of supports, only worsened how much I kept my feelings trapped inside my mind, a 'catastrophe factory' as my friend likes to call it. Negative thinking was becoming too prevalent.
2. I was stuck.
I was four years in and I was feeling like I was standing with my feet each on opposite paths. One towards motherhood, the other to wherever non-motherhood took me. Because it's almost impossible for my legs to go in both directions, I was unable to move forward from that position. I felt like I was going nowhere.
3. I was losing strength.
It is exhausting holding on to something so tightly for so long. With no rest. Like when lifting weights, during the lifting or releasing, or shifting, the weight is manageable. But try just holding that weight, arms out, and quickly that weight feels like it’s multiplying its burden by the second. The same can be said for hope. When there is no movement being made, hope can be tremendously weighty.
In that moment, I stopped thinking of a break as giving up, because I couldn't comprehend giving up.
I just had to make the pain stop.
I didn't have a clue what I wanted from a break other than that. And honestly, I was terrified a break meant I would miss the miracle. As if I could thwart destiny. But reaching the breaking point ended up the best thing that could have happened to me when it forced me to break from the stress cycles I was in.
Here are just a few of the break benefits I experienced:
1. Finding space
When avoiding thoughts and actions that once consumed the majority of my life, it created a bit of a blank slate. There was a freedom I didn't expect, space to say yes where I once felt I needed to say no. With no agenda or timelines to stick to, there was so much room to just be.
2. Taking stock
When my life-consuming dream was on the back-burner, suddenly there was this natural inventory happening of other goals I had long ago dismissed during baby-making. Now I was able to evaluate them in a non-biased way to see if I had been missing out on other fulfilling passions.
3. Getting perspective
When I saw life and relationships through the lens of potential childlessness, I realized how poorly I had prioritized other things I really value in life. I also realized how ungrateful I had been for the blessings that I was surrounded by, taking so many of them for granted.
Taking a break saved me, saved my marriage, and even salvaged my desire to continue down the path towards motherhood. It ultimately helped me find the positive when all the results were negative.
Just one of the many positives that came from my break is my book, The Pregnant Pause, which I wrote to help others in any kind of fertility pause. Whether you are currently in a pause or feeling the need to take one, this book details how I discovered a joyful life once again on the other side of my pause.
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