tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-22919319998612622562024-03-25T15:14:44.653-05:00The Pregnant PauseA journey to positivity when all the results are negative.~Lori Alcorn~http://www.blogger.com/profile/18266077964468355491noreply@blogger.comBlogger43125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2291931999861262256.post-418209236260540532024-02-14T07:30:00.023-06:002024-02-14T07:30:00.140-06:00How to Love a Broken Body<p>I am certain I am not the only one who has had a negative script in my mind that says "of course they've had fertility success because they are a healthy weight" In my early years of infertility, I equated fertility to their appearance. I really abhorred those thoughts when they crept in, hated that I was reducing everything to factors that (should) have no bearing, especially because I know that's been done to me in reverse because I am overweight. </p><p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh03h2lEbUfWZU88RgoDDTrwy3t2YGSN3_Sn65tdAoz9lj64LZ-hawT_nx7LHI1SHNMoPlX550lDnxRYgVN8P3hgYeWjS_A4EECzLBhaopyXswdIaFU_A0ox5RJMNBHRbJslNdqFKcYEvz9nL0S5FnA1YFQzcrNYe3hFoz7AfjyA1cksMoEcEPD5L-ju2U/s1500/Love%20Body%20Blog%20banner.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="800" data-original-width="1500" height="342" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh03h2lEbUfWZU88RgoDDTrwy3t2YGSN3_Sn65tdAoz9lj64LZ-hawT_nx7LHI1SHNMoPlX550lDnxRYgVN8P3hgYeWjS_A4EECzLBhaopyXswdIaFU_A0ox5RJMNBHRbJslNdqFKcYEvz9nL0S5FnA1YFQzcrNYe3hFoz7AfjyA1cksMoEcEPD5L-ju2U/w640-h342/Love%20Body%20Blog%20banner.png" width="640" /></a></div><br /><b>Body Negativity</b><p></p><p>A lot of us actually have this same script about different areas of success, not just fertility. I know these thoughts are really projections of how we feel about ourselves and nothing to do with the people we are judging, it's actually a twisted way of judging ourselves. But with <b><i>in</i></b>fertility, almost all success is connected to our bodies, and often our weight as well. It's nearly impossible to separate how we feel about our body from how we feel about our body not producing a baby. This is only amplified for women like me who have struggled with weight & body image every year since puberty, and/or those who like me are of an older generation where our minds were born & raised through years of messaging that never properly balanced body health with mental health & self-love. </p><p>What I have been raised with is the message that a woman's body is supposed to take up as little space as possible (at least in my part of the world). It's been overwhelmingly the mainstream message for more than 3/4's of my life, layered into my conscious and subconscious for decades. The foundation for all my beliefs about my body was that my value was determined by the appearance my body was able to offer the world, and that only shifted slightly in my child-bearing years to the belief my body's value was determined by the ability to function normally and produce children for the world. </p><p>Is it any wonder I had no other view of my body other than that it was broken?</p><p>Nearly a dozen years ago, I was feeling my 'appearance shame' and 'infertility shame' colliding intensely, and I cried out to God, angry about the body He had given me. When my sobbing finally grew silent I heard Him whisper to me, "I didn't create you to have a bikini body." That wasn't what I wanted to hear though. And it is so hard to hold on to a whisper when those messages scream at me daily. Like Lauren Daigle croons, "<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oZvKJl1kK8g" target="_blank">I keep fighting voices in my mind that say I'm not enough.</a>"</p><p>I cried out again...."I need more than that, why am I not skinny?! Why don't you just fix me?" However, He wasn't focused on giving me truth to help fix the outside, He was giving me truth to fix the inside. He did in fact whisper more...."I gave you a mother's body, it's designed to be comforting, soft, welcoming....to feel like home." In a way, that thought brought some solace. In a way it was also confusing, because hello, infertility! Regardless of the fact I never became a biological mother, I eventually allowed this to become a truth I would come back to throughout the years, when the negative self-talk gets to be too much. To focus on the fact God sees me as a <a href="https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=psalm+139%3A14&version=VOICE" target="_blank">wonderfully made masterpiece</a>, made intentionally with ample curves & cellulite. And that He made me that way intentionally, externalizing my heart and making it physically tangible to those I care for.</p><p>Yet, accepting my larger frame was God's design...that was just one battle won, but the war raged on. I'd feel like I was taking ground but then I'd find myself under fire again, it felt like too much to fight at times. I had thought I was in a bloody battle with my body before, but with further miscarriages, increased treatments, and incredible stress at work, the hormone hell I was going through just wounded my body all the more. It was one step forward, two steps back and I wondered if my body would ever experience wholeness. Or even just peace.</p><p><b>Body Positivity</b></p><p>I could only handle that constant fight for so long until I waved a white flag. We decided to not actively try anything to get pregnant, and give my body a rest. It came at a time when my purpose in other areas were becoming much clearer, and I was pursuing education that would lead me to understand wholeness in a much more helpful way. I had already begun walking in my purpose to support women in their self-care & self-love through various struggles, but it was an incomplete kind of health if I did not also encourage and support care & love for our bodies as well. I learned so much about the inter-connectedness of physical, mental, emotional and spiritual health, especially the crucial reality that when one area is unhealthy they all suffer. For the sake of my whole self, I needed to love my body better. </p><p>Still, it was just another piece of the puzzle, not the full picture. I still saw my body as something that needed to be fixed. Sure my sole aim was no longer to be skinny, but I was still defensive of my (non) mom bod, and how I looked pregnant when I never would be. I was still very aware of my comparative size within any grouping of people. I still saw body through the lens of how I appeared to other people. Positive body culture began to filter into my perspective around this time as well and it was a shocking revelation for me to see the main purpose of my body as supporting a healthy life, not being attractive. </p><p>I was finally beginning to understand I had a choice in how I feel about my body based on what I choose to think about my body. It's a choice to believe my body has failed me, but it certainly isn't healthy to burden my body with that blame. With healthier perspectives entering the mainstream, I eagerly studied how to exist (and hopefully thrive!) in this <a href="https://pregnantpausecoaching.blogspot.com/2019/12/building-positive-body-culture.html" target="_blank">new body culture</a>. I was now equipped with enough weapons that gave me a fighting chance in this war! Which, it turns out, was not a war of <i>me against my body</i>, it was a war of <i>the world against my body.</i></p><p>On the other side of infertility now, in the realm of childlessness, this knowledge goes beyond my appearance. I know now that my body isn't broken because it wasn't ever meant to carry & birth a child. That was another external expectation it took far too long for healthier perspectives to enter mainstream culture. I was always meant to be who I am today, if that meant never giving birth, then my body didn't fail.</p><p>I wish that I could say I haven't had to fight the old paradigms one more day since those revelations. Even after months have gone by without a body judgement, now and then one creeps in. Thankfully, God is still trying to reach me with His message through the smallest of voices. Like the one I heard when a tiny toddler voice asked to sit in my lap. At first there wasn't room the way I was sitting on a stool, so I tried to explain that, and she replied, "but you are bigger than mommy and daddy." Of course, at first all I could hear was my own offense. But then, the inner whisper revealed, this little cherub-look-a-like was merely trying to make a case for me to make room for her. All she wanted was to sit on my comforting, soft, welcoming....motherly lap.</p><p>And so I continue to work at silencing all the other voices, because then I can hear the truth.</p><p><b><i>"I will offer You my grateful heart, for I am Your unique creation, filled with wonder and awe.<u> You have approached even the smallest details with excellence</u>; Your works are wonderful; I carry this knowledge deep within my soul."</i></b> Psalm 139:14 (VOICE)</p><p>As <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oZvKJl1kK8g" target="_blank">Lauren Daigle's song</a> continues, "The only thing that matters now is everything You think of me. And I believe, oh I believe what You say of me. I believe."</p><p><br /></p><p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhZv8o7SiGl3TY6ruL9jPyCUHBHBO5oNR8QeMMN0BGIDRuzB6_VCJmC7aVLHBGFpCrnCdIqQN2b9c1pWfXjt8kLbA9g_kCS7ywOLK1zQM_KyLH-pMhsrgMI9GI65lwKPIwuTrrOJfDNHdNWGxQ0GuF2BBHYdIS-YyAusKXxNzbu8j1ozSkiv0s7woDTjGQ/s1500/Pinterest%20Blog%20Post%20-%20Love%20Body%20.png" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1500" data-original-width="1000" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhZv8o7SiGl3TY6ruL9jPyCUHBHBO5oNR8QeMMN0BGIDRuzB6_VCJmC7aVLHBGFpCrnCdIqQN2b9c1pWfXjt8kLbA9g_kCS7ywOLK1zQM_KyLH-pMhsrgMI9GI65lwKPIwuTrrOJfDNHdNWGxQ0GuF2BBHYdIS-YyAusKXxNzbu8j1ozSkiv0s7woDTjGQ/w426-h640/Pinterest%20Blog%20Post%20-%20Love%20Body%20.png" width="426" /></a></div><br />Save to Pinterest to bookmark this post for future reading.<p></p>~Lori Alcorn~http://www.blogger.com/profile/18266077964468355491noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2291931999861262256.post-15259582063066129942024-01-17T07:00:00.001-06:002024-02-16T13:30:00.636-06:00Treasure Hunting<p>Not unlike most females, I am enthralled with gemstones. Diamonds yes. Opals, very much yes. But pearls most of all. All three of my favorite precious stones have a way of reflecting rainbows, which is part of the reason I love them so much (and could be an entire blog on their own) but pearls have a whole other layer of meaning for me. I think it's because of my oyster-defense-system.</p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjfj9Eb-RV5UFYxxRT6owWEQqjJATKahuk9GMZLbKSSG78vp9SrJRlr9M-VgGBF7Y_2P5J8ZeLDMMJddU-k-XpCY049pabm3MqnaNIsUzIvFFnmF4R2fAchwn21Ne4BHvzOMlzXVbCk_yN9jiiP_XRjhvNGeI5tH6Ld5I6zoPu0I_tkH2vtfvln4sAYX9U/s1500/Treasure%20Hunting%20Blog%20banner.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="800" data-original-width="1500" height="342" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjfj9Eb-RV5UFYxxRT6owWEQqjJATKahuk9GMZLbKSSG78vp9SrJRlr9M-VgGBF7Y_2P5J8ZeLDMMJddU-k-XpCY049pabm3MqnaNIsUzIvFFnmF4R2fAchwn21Ne4BHvzOMlzXVbCk_yN9jiiP_XRjhvNGeI5tH6Ld5I6zoPu0I_tkH2vtfvln4sAYX9U/w640-h342/Treasure%20Hunting%20Blog%20banner.png" width="640" /></a></div><p><b>The passive defense</b></p><p>About 21 years ago I wrote a poem to process an abusive relationship I had been freed from a few years before that, and I was trying to articulate the miraculous good that came from enduring that situation. I won't share that rudimentary rhyme with you, but I found the essence of what I experienced in the analogy of an oyster and it's pearl.</p><p>The whole reason we have such beautiful gems as pearls is because of the oyster's defense system against irritants and parasites, creating a protective layer between it's vulnerable areas and the harmful object. But each protective layer is very thin, and depending on the intruding item, it can take a long time to develop enough layers to be fully protected from the pain. </p><p>I resonate with this type of self-protection for a number of reasons. First, because it's very passive, I have never been a fan of confrontation or conflict, and over the years I stayed with my ex, I quietly kept adding very thin layers over my heart to protect me from the pain he inflicted, until I felt nothing for him anymore. And that's the second similarity, it takes years...for me it took me almost 5 years to get to that point. This self-protection is a common style of defense against hurt, and yet I know many others who let those layers of protection turn their heart into stone over long periods of exposure to pain, but that didn't happen to me. That leads me to the third reason I feel connected to this analogy, which is because I feel that what I learned through the pain made my heart stronger rather than harder, AND more beautiful like a pearl. </p><p><b>The active defense</b></p>Just over a decade later, the analogy of pearls would come back to me during the struggle of trying to become a mother. I was so tired of the irritants of infertility. I cried out to God, begging Him to end the waiting. And that's when I got a vision of a string of pearls around my neck, the biggest pearls I could have ever imagined in a necklace. And the understanding of what they meant came to me as quickly as the picture. I remembered the purpose of the pearl, how it had come to mean beauty & strength out of adversity. <br /><br />Once again, I realized I had been in oyster-defense-mode, adding little layers over my heart, over and over, to protect me from the pain of childlessness. I was on the cusp of that moment, where I could let it turn my heart to stone or let it become a pearl. I sensed God letting me know He wanted to help me persist patiently, so that I could find something precious on the other side. It still involved safe guarding my heart, but this wasn't a reactive kind of protection, this was a pro-active choice. This would have to be intentional, this would be work, and the difference was choosing what it was I was layering over my heart. Bitterness or trust. Anger or joy. Fear or love. <br /><p><b>The Mother of Pearls</b><br /><br />That was nearly a decade ago, and if you've read any of my blog posts or social media from the past several years, I hope it's clear I chose to pursue the pearl. The treasure that came out of those trials has been countless, there were in fact plenty of precious gems on the other side of perseverance. I have several nurturing relationships where I get to mother. My jobs involve walking alongside people in pain and helping them find light in the darkness. I get to be the artist & writer little Lori dreamed of as a kid. <br /><br />In fact, this pearl analogy inspired another piece of writing and it's about to be published! It began in early 2022 with an introduction to someone in the infertility & loss world, who then also became an author connection as well ...... and then that led to her introducing me to another author in the infertility world. The next thing I knew, last May I was invited to be a contributing author for an infertility devotional book. I felt so priveleged to be able to collaborate with the main author <a href="https://sheridanvoysey.com/">Sheridan Voysey</a>, and the collection of female & male voices who created <a href="https://sheridanvoysey.com/prayingthroughinfertility/">Praying Through Infertility</a>, being released at the end of this month. This is a 90-day devotional, 90 different personal experiences, and my oyster analogy made it into one of the three articles I was able to share in the book. <br /><br />Another pearl added to my string. I feel like I can say now I have that necklace, those pearls of promise. And I dare say, they keep coming.<br /><br />If you are struggling to find the hope in the hurt, may I recommend reading Praying Through Infertility, compiled from almost 40 people who have all gone through it and found pearls of wisdom on the other side. My wish is that our stories spark hope in you as well.</p><p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEghUetugMJmXXsP170H6NvXMWVwkRY5U5hrOyZUH9mY1EMqy0-Wq9bZEmu6R4yROjIPoh2HsFHUCvFs31Z6FQERHToBPRwVTO3iYPoz8-hgqJ3nrnMJm7XnsEmnS0TVXT5flBTm0E3q-3mo75Z3HQ6c87in1OgFTypoRb3g2PI3kqJ-fKlxkNVrbl9cluU/s1500/Pinterest%20Blog%20Post%20-%20Treasure%20Hunting.png" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1500" data-original-width="1000" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEghUetugMJmXXsP170H6NvXMWVwkRY5U5hrOyZUH9mY1EMqy0-Wq9bZEmu6R4yROjIPoh2HsFHUCvFs31Z6FQERHToBPRwVTO3iYPoz8-hgqJ3nrnMJm7XnsEmnS0TVXT5flBTm0E3q-3mo75Z3HQ6c87in1OgFTypoRb3g2PI3kqJ-fKlxkNVrbl9cluU/w426-h640/Pinterest%20Blog%20Post%20-%20Treasure%20Hunting.png" width="426" /></a></div><br />Save to Pinterest to bookmark this post for future reading.<p></p><p><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 107%; mso-ansi-language: EN-CA; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-CA;"><br /></span></p>~Lori Alcorn~http://www.blogger.com/profile/18266077964468355491noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2291931999861262256.post-30820168828550546702023-12-15T07:31:00.016-06:002023-12-15T07:31:00.134-06:00Revisiting the Spirit of Christmas<p>For many years I have been fighting a winter bug. It took awhile for me to realize the pattern year after year. That's because it was a slow descent into becoming a holiday hum<b><i>bug</i></b>.</p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi2jYQ70qfk1xfU3KzX1Y_Cc2b7WlDEzgc6VjpcYOiSzFZiPROmxEYjGgfdwQBhafQxuyPzSoXAoLEzZQRQ4pE2NQlmJNHwIWnTKRMjPHUqAQhSsI95doPQK6vVPKMFfYG6BJTIK8bWx8ydXe7JDUqUuRWRLAtEijozWXOga4pKLWQC7SPpjjFc5BeFfM0/s1500/Spirit%20of%20Christmas%20Blog%20banner.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="800" data-original-width="1500" height="342" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi2jYQ70qfk1xfU3KzX1Y_Cc2b7WlDEzgc6VjpcYOiSzFZiPROmxEYjGgfdwQBhafQxuyPzSoXAoLEzZQRQ4pE2NQlmJNHwIWnTKRMjPHUqAQhSsI95doPQK6vVPKMFfYG6BJTIK8bWx8ydXe7JDUqUuRWRLAtEijozWXOga4pKLWQC7SPpjjFc5BeFfM0/w640-h342/Spirit%20of%20Christmas%20Blog%20banner.png" width="640" /></a></div><p><b>Holiday Humbug</b></p><p>Humbug has taken on a grinchy vibe, a dismissive displeasure with holiday festivities, but actually Scrooge was expressing that he thought Christmas was a complete fraud or hypocritical nonsense. I don't know if I ever got that jaded, but I certainly found myself feeling that celebrating Christmas contradicted how I actually felt.</p><p>It was exactly 14 years ago when I first began to notice my less than 'merry & bright' self as the Christmas season approached, but it had been a very hard year in general, so I think I wrote it off as that remaining down-hearted feeling. But there was much more I was unaware of that was affecting me, and my moods were growing in darkness just like our northern winter skies. One of those influences was a seed of discouragement that had been planted a few years earlier, and it had been fed, watered and nurtured frequently since then. It was mid-December 2007 when I'd had my longest pregnancy to that point, but on the twelfth day we experienced our first significant loss. It was our 4th year of marriage, I had just turned 30, and my younger sister announced her 3rd child was coming the next year. It was a very difficult Christmas.</p><p>For the next five Christmases, babies or the news of babies were the focus of our gatherings. And we were still the only ones in my family without children in our Christmas photo card. By 2010, I had reached the end of my rope with infertility, I quit trying, and that year my black mood started to set in as early as Black Friday. Over the next few winters it seemed the cold weather months' frigid affect on the vibrancy of life had an equally 'blue' affect on our lives. Along with the loss of light & warmth, our personal losses began to pile up; loss of jobs, loss of community, two more pregnancy losses. It also became apparent after a few years of struggling, that Seasonal Affective Disorder was also playing a role in this dark season of life. I almost forgot I ever found joy in the Christmas season at all.</p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjJSapL6m8Nb6VFs7AsOCf8pdPv5e1JqH56_g0c9xOGXaSzNx6qU8U1xBtJNXWfo27PiZzaWNFgS7kpU46sI6gBltU6nq0OPc-XV5Kf9HVG6GGW31GSdJ9BcPI_hSDbFTrPMjXIT7o5dcmfVXyueak-5A-klsloRoP_JwGH1wXTtHbxbQwMMYJzoRp-wpw/s2793/2023-12-10%2014.32.38-1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="Text quoted from Christmas advent book" border="0" data-original-height="2793" data-original-width="2793" height="344" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjJSapL6m8Nb6VFs7AsOCf8pdPv5e1JqH56_g0c9xOGXaSzNx6qU8U1xBtJNXWfo27PiZzaWNFgS7kpU46sI6gBltU6nq0OPc-XV5Kf9HVG6GGW31GSdJ9BcPI_hSDbFTrPMjXIT7o5dcmfVXyueak-5A-klsloRoP_JwGH1wXTtHbxbQwMMYJzoRp-wpw/w400-h344/2023-12-10%2014.32.38-1.jpg" title="The Advent Devotional - Alabaster" width="400" /></a></div><p>I found myself making excuses for how very little room I had in my life for the festivities I once loved dearly. Presents were clutter or basically a dollar exchange anyway. The radio played all the worst Christmas songs. My cat destroyed my Christmas decor. Christmas concerts had too many kids hyped up on sugar (and kids. period.) Yet. Somehow I inadvertently found myself still holding on to the smallest glimmer of Christmas spirit. I still found little joys in some of the season's staples. Gingerbread lattes. Hoarfrost. Watching a few select favorite Christmas movies. Baking Christmas cookies with my family. Christmas lights & decorations (every where but my own home).</p><p><b>The darkness could not crowd out the light!</b></p><p><b><br /></b></p><p><b>Heart for the Holidays</b></p><p>I finally decided about nine years ago that I was done with winter bringing on a winter of my soul. That didn't mean it was easy, it was a choice. And I knew I needed to surround myself with reminders of what I was choosing. One of the songs I added to my Christmas playlist (which I could finally listen to again) describes how I began to feel.</p><p><b><i>"Long lay the world in sin and error pining, till He appeared and the soul felt its worth. A thrill of hope. The weary soul rejoices, for yonder breaks a new and glorious morn."</i></b></p><p>I began a journey of reclaiming Christmas, my weary soul yearning for something new. It's been a little like being visited by the Christmas ghosts each year. It's been a journey of figuring out what pieces of the past I can still find joy in. I love my childhood memories of Christmas, but a lot remind me I'll never be able to replicate them. It's been a journey of figuring out how to make the Christmas in the present special for just two on the 25th. Presence over presents of course, but it's been a lot of trial & error, and we're still figuring it out. And it's a journey, trying to focus on future hope, the hope of Christ, woven through all of it. This is the point and really the only thing that matters for me. This is what ends up shifting my heart every year, no matter what challenges came up, I end up posturing my heart towards remembering all the amazing gifts that came from Christ's birth. This is what turns grinchy to gratitude, humbugs to heartfelt, and reminds me it's a wonderful life every day of the year. Because Jesus came to be with me every day, especially the hard days....even if that happens to be His birthday</p><p>With a lot of effort, this year has been my most joyful Christmas season I've had in years! I have fully embraced my Ebenezer! Not the Scrooge variety. In Hebrew, Ebenezer means “stone of help”, and with God as my anchor of hope, He has helped me rejoice in Him always! I don't entirely resonate with Scrooge, but I will borrow this line from him though, as one also transformed by spirit.<i> "I will honour Christmas in my heart, and try to keep it all the year. I will live in the Past, the Present, and the Future. The Spirits of all Three shall strive within me."</i></p><p><i><br /></i></p><p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgzETkXWNuZ5NxUlCdaaIFkCCB1whrSegKr_oQPivi_VFvV69A3ucwzrqtcviCuCRBjmjghInku-egSw24s0CBfCyuF5pg7gyw37NOAKPFW2kcGTEtx2IHltwE_hZuKdcyWnaER23Nqw1ZdEqPEhOYMVtlHCOkMYp9RooNorYiQhF33If-5vf7tXuT50wU/s1500/Pinterest%20Blog%20Post%20-%20Spirit%20of%20Christmas.png" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1500" data-original-width="1000" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgzETkXWNuZ5NxUlCdaaIFkCCB1whrSegKr_oQPivi_VFvV69A3ucwzrqtcviCuCRBjmjghInku-egSw24s0CBfCyuF5pg7gyw37NOAKPFW2kcGTEtx2IHltwE_hZuKdcyWnaER23Nqw1ZdEqPEhOYMVtlHCOkMYp9RooNorYiQhF33If-5vf7tXuT50wU/w426-h640/Pinterest%20Blog%20Post%20-%20Spirit%20of%20Christmas.png" width="426" /></a></div><br />Save to Pinterest to bookmark this post for future reading.<p></p><p><i><br /></i></p>~Lori Alcorn~http://www.blogger.com/profile/18266077964468355491noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2291931999861262256.post-22833646397496094142023-11-15T08:00:00.099-06:002023-11-15T09:57:22.434-06:00Seven Ways to Level Up Your Support<p>Loneliness is quite prevalent amongst those of us going through infertility and childlessness, more so than the loneliness epidemic they say is happening lately. There are quite a few factors that layer into the complexity of just why those of us without children feel more isolated than most.</p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhgkUhdpSUGsa3lY7P4M5GxsvR8mVMJ_wizavwdSDWtfzfwR94vL1hEM_dmFlzxGXewMqlB0PW6mlj2NBmD2R07nfjiL-Cs28PenjdBj_U7VrxMR6yg4Da75kxfBkhiwmOit5U8m-hL-8n6J4PSiZTIM_z1do4eN6wfbga41hHG0nF__I82t2sVamr6kDA/s1500/Level%20up%20Support%20Blog%20banner.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="800" data-original-width="1500" height="342" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhgkUhdpSUGsa3lY7P4M5GxsvR8mVMJ_wizavwdSDWtfzfwR94vL1hEM_dmFlzxGXewMqlB0PW6mlj2NBmD2R07nfjiL-Cs28PenjdBj_U7VrxMR6yg4Da75kxfBkhiwmOit5U8m-hL-8n6J4PSiZTIM_z1do4eN6wfbga41hHG0nF__I82t2sVamr6kDA/w640-h342/Level%20up%20Support%20Blog%20banner.png" width="640" /></a></div><br /><p><b>Infertility Isolation</b></p><p>I shared on my social media a few weeks ago that one of those reasons is that when we have a family of one or two, we don't have a built in social system under our roof, one that we can always count on inside our home if we are struggling to find one outside it. Which, as most all of us probably know, can be very difficult when a lot of the world defines belonging as fitting in. We can often feel like our only way to fit in to most circles is to play the 'kid card,' but our lack of parenting accessories & lingo flashes like a big neon sign.</p><p>And, even though statistics say we should know <i><b>someone</b></i> going through something similar, one or two others who understands, this does not increase our chances of finding people like us to fit in with. The nuances of each journey, and the nature in which we each process it, leaves a lot of room for disconnect. I looked long and hard for years to find women who were going through what I was, and for the first 8 years, rarely could I find anyone who wanted to talk about it, or was nearby enough to connect with regularly.</p><p>Suffice it to say, we all know when we're in the depths of loneliness how crucial connection is. We don't have to understand it's relation to resilience to feel it's affect on our quality of life. It's obvious to us that without even a small handful of uplifting people where we feel accepted & supported, we fail to thrive. We don't bounce back from our struggles & setbacks very easily without encouragement. Our hope & optimism grow weary without fresh perspective & inspiration. </p><p>If you are anything like me, you have probably made really great attempts at shifting out of the solitude towards finding support, yet still find yourself feeling alone. Maybe it's been life circumstances changing, like moving to a new place or changing jobs, which instantly takes away important community you've been part of. Maybe based on the medical side of what you are going through, you physically don't have the capacity to go out and be social. Maybe your circles just haven't enough life experience to be flexible & empathetic, and therefore haven't the capacity to adapt with you as your life has changed. </p><p>Whatever the reason, it most often feels like our loneliness is out of our control.</p><p><br /></p><p><b>Support Strategies</b></p><p>There is no magic bullet, but with intention & strategy we can lessen our loneliness. I recognize that everyone relates & creates relationships differently, there isn't a one-size-fits all solution for everyone, so here is my exhaustive list of various ways you can seek out support. And let's face it, life changes, circumstances change, people change, so the connections that come from these suggestions don't have a lifetime guarantee, we will need to revisit this list again and again in our lives, especially for those of us who end up childless. </p><p>So, let's dive into some ways you can level up your support.</p><p><b>1. Start with what you have</b></p><p>There are usually relationships we already have that, while they haven't been exactly what we have been hoping for, they can still provide you with some level of support & encouragement. Think of those in your life who are a source of light, hope, positivity and/or inspiration in your life. They are a prime candidate!</p><p>I know a lot of people typically rely on spontaneous connections to their people, but when we find ourselves lacking & depleted, one way we can be more intentional about replenishing support is to be honest with our trusted people to admit we need more from them for a season. It can be hard to be vulnerable (and some of you may worry about seeming too needy....been there!), but without support you are making yourself more vulnerable. </p><p>Some suggestions you could ask a friend for are;</p><p>~ a certain day of the week they send a text message to check-in with you how you are doing</p><p>~ a regular & consistent scheduled date that is a non-negotiable in both your calendars</p><p>~ a weekly video chat date using an app like Facetime or Marco Polo (which doesn't have to be live)</p><p>~ a good old fashioned phone call at a certain day & time every week</p><p>~ joining you in a daily online challenge, or maybe a weekly in-person activity</p><p>Intentionality is huge because having connections that are deliberate, predictable and dependable go a long way in helping us feel supported. Not only do we get all those benefits of an uplifting relationship, but when a connection is interwoven into our lives, it enhances our well-being at a more foundational level. So, putting in a little extra work, using a little courage & persistence, and asking for a little more from friends is SO worth it.</p><p><b>2. Don't settle for less</b></p><p>When we are lonely we can often start making compromises and turning to relationships that we know haven't been the healthiest. When we are stressed, it is especially hard to draw helpful boundaries, but this is exactly when we need to be around people who will respect our 'no', who will want to help protect our choices, who will focus on positive instead of weighing us down with critiques and complaints. In these cases, their company is not of equal value to the connections you actually need to feel less alone, and in fact time with these people can actually accentuate your feelings of loneliness.</p><p>If you have people in your life who seem to take more than they give, and you have trouble maintaining a healthy balance and/or distance with those relationships, I would strongly suggest reading <a href="https://www.drcloud.com/books/boundaries" target="_blank"><b>Boundaries</b></a> by Dr. Henry Cloud. It not only explains the importance of boundaries, but also gives excellent examples of how to implement them, and how it can change relationships to become more healthy. With good boundaries, some of the people in your life who are currently draining could grow into a new supportive relationship.</p><p><b>3. Take the next step</b></p><p>We often put the heaviest expectation for connection on our closest circle, but who were they before they were your people? At some point they were a stranger, an acquaintance, a co-worker, a neighbor. Starting up your relationship radar, look for those people in your life right now who you tend to gravitate towards, those who lift up your spirits, who lighten your mood, who inspire hopefulness & joy. Who are the great listeners in your communities? Who are the ones quick to offer encouragement? Who seems to share your values or perspective? These people are a great place to start taking deeper steps into relationship with. </p><p>Yes, once again, this requires putting ourselves out there, being the initiator. Don't let the 'what ifs' scare you away, because think about what would have happened if no one had been brave enough to take initiative between you and your best friends in life. There is always a risk, but risks can create the greatest rewards. </p><p><b>4. Support can be found in any group</b></p><p>I'm a believer that we all have a lot more in common than we think, but with the default conversation 'go-to's' it can be challenging to identify them. This is why I heartly recommend joining an interest/hobby group, or a class, so you know immediately what it is that you all have in common. There are groups & classes for almost any thing these days, though depending where you live that may not be in person, however it is very likely you can find one online. Identifying with a niche group is all the rage these days, so there is bound to be some group out there that you resonate with.</p><p>The wonderful thing about these groups is that you all have a baseline of something in common, so there is always a starting point for conversations. The other great thing about groups in general is that the more people you are meeting, the greater your chances of finding a deeper connection with at least one person. Almost all of my closest friends in the last 15 years have been women I've met in a group around a table, starting with that one thing in common. </p><p>It's been taking me quite some time to develop some new relationships since I moved to a small city two years ago, and with self-employment adding to my lack of meeting new people, I've been on the look out for groups I can join to help me during this transition. So far I haven't found any in-person yet but I've taken a few classes online and they have been the highlight of my week!</p><p><b>5. Support Groups provide support</b></p><p>This one is an obvious one, yet a lot of us are still quite averse to joining one. Whether it's misconceptions of what these groups are like, or our own social anxieties in groups, it is worth fighting through these perceptions to give a group a chance. </p><p>Support groups have all the great benefits of an interest group I already mentioned, but something that a support group offers is everyone there faces specific challenges, has particular hardships, and unique situations not a lot of others do, but in that support group you find 'me too' moments in what others share, and it can really help alleviate your feeling of being alone in your pain.</p><p>There is a little caveat I'd like to share from personal experience though, and that is that groups created around a broader infertility umbrella have unique pros and cons. As I shared at the top, even when we meet people going through something similar to us, the nuances of our individual journeys don't automatically mean we connect. Women attending these groups range from raw to resigned and everywhere in between, most with an undercurrent of hurt raging under the surface. Every group will be a different set of dynamics, and you likely won't know what the result will be until you show up. I found this out as I started trying out different types of support groups available in my area, as <b><a href="https://pregnantpausecoaching.blogspot.com/2021/04/the-support-spectrum.html" target="_blank">I wrote about a few years ago</a>. </b></p><p>The other unique trait of an infertility support group is that as people's journey's continue, some find their path to children and leave the group, member turn over being much more frequent than normal interest groups. </p><p>That being said, I still encourage you to show up! I went to a group for awhile that 50% of the time I didn't get a lot from the group time, but I'd end up connecting with someone one-on-one and I'd still leave feeling a little less alone than I felt before I came. It took a few tries to develop the circle of women that became my infertility tribe, and I'm so glad I didn't give up because they've been instrumental in helping me come to terms with being childless, and moving forward in hope.</p><p>If you don't know where to start looking, I would suggest two fairly large organizations that have support groups nationwide, <b><a href="https://resolve.org/get-help/find-a-support-group/" target="_blank">RESOLVE</a> </b>and <a href="https://fertilitymatters.ca/find-a-support-group/" style="font-weight: bold;" target="_blank">Fertility Matters Canada</a>. Of course, a Google search can likely also find more local, smaller groups. If you would prefer a faith-based group, try a search with that in the field, or contact your Pastor to see if they know of a group through their network. </p><p><b>6. Being Social on Social</b></p><p>They say social media has actually increased loneliness because of the tendency to scroll rather than engage, but if you are looking specifically for people to engage with, social media has a plethora of very niche tribes that are there specifically to offer support to their people. For example, I first began following ALL the infertility accounts I could find, but as time went on and I ruled out certain options to becoming a mother, I curated my feed by eliminating the account communities that didn't resonate with my choices anymore. If you have a specific diagnosis like endometriosis or PCOS, there are communities just for you. If you know you are going to go through IVF or adoption, there are communities just for you. To the extent you are willing to engage with these social communities, they will engage back, and they invite interactions consistently in a variety of ways. They are also great resources to find out about events, some are connected to in-person events that happen as well.</p><p>The same thing that I said about groups is true for interacting with a multitude of people in a social community, it increases your chances of finding the person, or people, you might be able to develop a closer connection with. This has happened to several people I know, though it took a few years for me to encounter this myself. Thanks to a recommendation of a podcast, I felt drawn to a woman who I then reached out to online and ended up connecting with over Instagram, and within a short time we had developed quite the rapport. Less than 18 months later, I now have a dear friend way across the pond in England! We chat weekly, sometimes even daily, and we send each other Marco Polo videos because of the six hour time difference. We have so much in common it's almost uncanny; we're both childless not by choice, self-employed, an Enneagram Type 2, working with people facing losses, and the list goes on. We understand so much of each other's lives, so we have a rare & special ability to empathize & encourage each other. Why the person I have the most in common with has to live over 6000 km away, I don't understand, but I am so incredibly grateful that we've found each other, and for the technology to stay connected. </p><p><b>7. Paying for it doesn't make it cheap</b></p><p>The idea of paying someone to connect with you, I admit, immediately brings to mind a mom bribing some neighborhood kids over to play with her child, or something equally as embarrassing. But that is not where this is going, I promise you! We're talking about employing the services of professionals who relate to people for a living, who are trained active listeners, and who care about supporting you.</p><p>This is not a last resort, even though it's the last point I'm offering, but I do want to say that they are a reliable source of relationship no matter what season you are going through, they are available at your convenience. I know that none of the other suggestions are guarantee to solving loneliness, they take time, they take effort, and sometimes it can be really disheartening waiting for the results of our investment. Like a starving person watching the seeds they've planted, watered, and fertilized, it can sometimes be an agonizingly slow process. And this is where the consistent dependability of a professional can especially be beneficial.</p><p>During varying seasons of my life, the lonely and not so lonely ones, I have benefited from time spent with a Counselor, a Life Coach, and a Spiritual Director, never all at the same time but there has been some overlap. With each one, I have the opportunity to sit across from someone who gives me their undivided attention, listening simply to be able to encourage & support me and my journey. They are able to provide a lot of the things we are craving in our isolation, like; feeling accepted for who we are, genuine curiosity about us, empathy & compassion for our struggles, and offering of a new perspective & hope. </p><p>These 3 people impacted my life tremendously, I have moments with each of them that will live on in my heart forever, and each one of them has made/makes me feel so seen. Their presence in my life helps me keep a baseline of emotional health, so that while I still have my moments of feeling quite lonely, I don't sink into the sadness like I used to. </p><p><br /></p><p>I know that each one of these strategies means being brave, means advocating for yourself, means being ok with showing up differently. As someone who still has to revisit this list, and do those things as well, I want to tell you that I'm sorry you are in a place where you have to strategize to get the support you deserve. I <b><i>so</i></b> wish I had the magic bullet, for loneliness and for the many other struggles that accompany infertility, but in the absence of magic I offer you my presence & support as well. If you ever need to talk, to be encouraged, to feel seen, that's what I'm here for.</p><p>You can find me most consistently on Instagram <a href="https://www.instagram.com/ataloss_infertilitysupports/?hl=en" target="_blank">@AtALoss_InfertilitySupports</a> or by email <a href="mailto:atalossbox@gmail.com">atalossbox@gmail.com</a>.</p><p><br /></p><p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhh0wZt8lryd4YvCsZHC0dq6uR6epg1KuJmhnbDkDaciJUEtE43NyygdMvLJNseUY4078uOHrK3k7kJ-2fTu7N2DJHdcG3NQ2ljTW0qINF1cXTyko-WO8VkzfhXrcW7iMTQPBhJ0gWHHqFw1smdcS3HIJhuSRgTg5bytrkZUhJUQMofzbgk1yTD2CUi7d8/s1500/Pinterest%20Blog%20Post%20-%20Level%20up%20Support.png" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1500" data-original-width="1000" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhh0wZt8lryd4YvCsZHC0dq6uR6epg1KuJmhnbDkDaciJUEtE43NyygdMvLJNseUY4078uOHrK3k7kJ-2fTu7N2DJHdcG3NQ2ljTW0qINF1cXTyko-WO8VkzfhXrcW7iMTQPBhJ0gWHHqFw1smdcS3HIJhuSRgTg5bytrkZUhJUQMofzbgk1yTD2CUi7d8/w426-h640/Pinterest%20Blog%20Post%20-%20Level%20up%20Support.png" width="426" /></a></div><br />Save to Pinterest to bookmark this post for future reading.<p></p>~Lori Alcorn~http://www.blogger.com/profile/18266077964468355491noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2291931999861262256.post-19746860257233545162023-10-12T18:58:00.001-05:002023-10-12T18:58:00.135-05:00Seven Ways to Care for Someone Grieving Pregnancy Loss<p>Typically I write to an audience who are the ones grieving a loss, but over the years I have also noticed that the circles of care around them are also at a loss - at a loss for how to care for their grieving loved ones meaningfully & appropriately. And so this Pregnancy Loss Awareness Day I wanted to share this to help you in the circles surrounding the loss as well. </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgX041P8oejZUJxOsOzcKE7VEuWmjdF3MwpBqHEkC2eZVfYMp2qGEAnrKoRLqH1g4KKnoNbauiPmIYMEH-Oun9A-PhOEBd6OhrVNFm4Lls513QNnvDOFqk2KPYUTa7vZbRtY9hmjMOelNEr033nJQSc54pDB1EmRuFSVg6aoNZg-WF0nt8p9AgKWFKcz1Q/s1500/Pregnancy%20Loss%20Blog%20banner.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="800" data-original-width="1500" height="342" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgX041P8oejZUJxOsOzcKE7VEuWmjdF3MwpBqHEkC2eZVfYMp2qGEAnrKoRLqH1g4KKnoNbauiPmIYMEH-Oun9A-PhOEBd6OhrVNFm4Lls513QNnvDOFqk2KPYUTa7vZbRtY9hmjMOelNEr033nJQSc54pDB1EmRuFSVg6aoNZg-WF0nt8p9AgKWFKcz1Q/w640-h342/Pregnancy%20Loss%20Blog%20banner.png" width="640" /></a></div><p>As someone who has been asked, "How can I help you during your loss", I've put a lot of thought into ways that would be helpful and/or meaningful to me as I dealt with the pain of grief. Actually, people in the depths of grief, including myself, often don't know what would help them in that moment, they are truly at a loss. Subsequently, a lot of what is on this list I thought of in hindsight, or came from what I do now to support those in my circles who are in the depths of hurting. I would also like to mention before I get going on my lists, that while I labelled this post for pregnancy loss, I want to express that these gifts also apply to many other types of loss related to fertility & family losses, such as an infertility diagnosis, a failed fertility treatment, childlessness due to various reasons, etc. These are important losses to recognize as well, and need just as much care & support.</p><p><b>1.Gift of Presence</b></p><p>In the early years of experiencing pregnancy loss, I hardly told a soul what I was going through, so when I did tell someone, what I needed most was someone who's presence I could trust. I needed someone who would listen to what I wanted to share without judgement or fixing. I needed someone who could acknowledge my loss was a real loss, that this was really difficult, and that I had the right to the way I felt. I needed someone who would just give me the gift of their presence, who could be with me through the various stages I was in. I needed someone who would keep showing up, to keep checking in on me as I moved through how to move forward. Grief has no timeline, so someone who continued to ask about my grief long after the first month, that was one of the greatest gifts of all. Having my loss seen and acknowledged in a way respectful of my journey was THE best gift.</p><p>If someone has opened up to you about their loss, you are someone special who they trust in, and believes you can give them the gift of presence, don't discount how incredibly supportive and meaningful it is to just show up for someone. </p><p><b>2. Gift of Grace</b></p><p>If you have not been through loss & grief yourself, it may be hard to understand how overwhelming and all-encompassing it can be. There is no comparing depths of grief for different types of losses, but couples experiencing fertility losses often also experience expectations their grief will be less than it would be for a living person's death. The truth is, the impact grief has on a person's well-being is the same, no matter the type of loss. Grief is a powerful force which can continue adding to our losses, such as loss of sleep, appetite, focus, memory, energy, peace, and many other things that make it difficult to exist the way we did before our loss. We are often struggling to be a functional human, and we will also likely struggle to be the friend, child, sibling, spouse, co-worker, etc. that you are used to, and we will need your grace as we find our way to our new normal. When we forget to return a call, an important date, or to thank you for something you did, please don't assume any ill-intent, we are running on reduced capacity and your graciousness will be a gift we greatly need.</p><p><b>3. Gift of Empathy</b></p><p>If you <i><b>have</b></i> been through loss & grief of a similar nature, you have the ability to understand what they are going through and can share the emotions they are experiencing. Offering to also share your experience might be just what they need to hear, so they don't feel so alone, <b><i>however</i></b> it is best to ask them if they are ready to hear your story. Everyone's path through grief is different, and depending on the stage they are at, and they just may not be in a place where this will be helpful yet. Especially depending on how similar or different your journey's are, so it is best to let them decide whether your story will be helpful to them in that moment. But even if they are not able to hear your story yet, you are still able to empathize with their experience and can acknowledge their grief when they share with you.</p><p><b>4. Gift of Words</b></p><p>Like the gift of presence, something as simple as a few words to show someone you are thinking of them during their loss really means a lot. It's another acknowledgement that their loss is seen, and therefore real. Experiences like pregnancy loss, a diagnosis, a failed treatment, etc., these can all seem like 'invisible' losses, considered by some too minor to grieve, so honoring their loss with just a simple, heartfelt sentiment means the world. </p><p>If you don't think you have the words, look for a specialty card - there is a world-wide web of niche items and you never know what you may find that says it perfectly for you. Or find a grief related quote, song, poem, as many people have been through loss before and have made art out of their experiences to help others. This is exactly why I created a <a href="https://atalossgriefgifts.etsy.com" target="_blank">collection of 21 grief art prints</a>, to give people a voice of comfort & hope during times of loss.</p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://atalossgriefgifts.etsy.com" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;" target="_blank"><img border="0" data-original-height="300" data-original-width="1200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgba5u5PxzCKai4RNsXHxUJuuDEv98nk9o3iIK8c4kZVpKuIm02yL77T9RQq_-NBtH6EM9PEupoqZWsr-1jA0ktK0oOOsUc4VCbMEQzAxiG5oZfHhkAhjg8D1Lj4Nxa1RN2W6kN99RyoJRuLuJNp-LmpzcUksYhKRIcprlqxUjoaJwLxI8BZyL2km4S3Z0/s16000/Etsy%20Shop%20Banner%202.png" /></a></div><p>And of course, you can always say you don't have any words but that you love them. That is enough as well. </p><p><b>5. Gift of Service</b></p><p>As I already mentioned, during the depths of raw grief our capacity for the simple tasks in life can be severely diminished. Innately we know this, as most everyone will say something along the lines of, "let me know if I can help," but inevitably the person grieving doesn't, as asking for help just becomes one more thing in a long list of things to be done while they are trying to just survive. So the best way to serve someone would be to come up with a few ways you are capable of providing support and offer them as options. Here are some ideas to get you started:</p><p>~ mowing or weeding the lawn ~ walk the dog ~ get & sort the mail ~ bring a meal ~ wash the dishes ~ take out the garbage ~ shovel when it snows ~ clean the bathrooms ~ babysit kids ~ pick up groceries ~ driving them for errands ~ gift card for meal delivery service</p><p>And don't forget to give them options for days & times as well, providing a few of your available times will give them more freedom to say yes to which one works best for them. </p><p><b>6. Gift of Self-Care </b></p><p>As I mentioned before, if someone has shared a pregnancy loss, or other fertility loss with you, then you are an especially trusted person. Sharing of this nature opens up the opportunity for insight or to ask questions as to the kind of self-care they need to focus on their well-being.</p><p>Has their loss been felt physically and impacting the health of their body? Aromatherapy can do wonders to help the body relax and allow releasing of stress so that it can focus on healing, especially lavender and eucaplyptus. Heat often is a helpful, soothing element for people in physical discomfort or pain. Here are some items I put in the grief gift care packages I make. Click the links to find a description of benefits these items offer.</p><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><span style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><a href="https://www.atalossinfertility.com/griefgiftproducts/lavendar-%26-eucalyptus-soy-candle" target="_blank"><img border="0" data-original-height="460" data-original-width="460" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhs1XmKnLTB2qPkOzVxk7hr5qQpxX6giZqXzxjbqFE1BNAUl-vavKPjOtPd05UskQIZJp8kdcfHvQKmYz43v12M18fW_Hozm74nlPMmeYdud_lSDGsOH4PeXqebyPtY1kxsKmGdv2klBPZ7h7Itd2pCGY62kM8-Y_MtmKZE0Kl2bDvHGBrGi59K0a2atqc/w200-h200/at%20a%20loss%20grief%20gift%20candle.jpg" width="200" /></a></span></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://www.atalossinfertility.com/griefgiftproducts/lavendar-%26-eucalyptus-soy-candle" target="_blank">Candles</a></td></tr></tbody></table><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><span style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><a href="https://www.atalossinfertility.com/griefgiftproducts/hot%2Fcold-therapy-rice-bags" target="_blank"><img border="0" data-original-height="728" data-original-width="728" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgH2gCSDsXB8W612QGMoIqheGXZCJskRi5ex1SjEBLNdRK0NvfdrvxMxsPbQ3nGnf-jFIhCfk8qbhDhAMJL8vCgw77xU0VB03X14uYFOBx8KGeW0QUPsSxCzlCAIw5X2pvLpOZIJAj4Zthy4Hz0qzS1jvYtY_iMCjKGYetPdkzc9joP3vkky4CEtJybw3M/w200-h200/at%20a%20loss%20grief%20gift%20hot%20cold%20therapy%20bag.jpg" width="200" /></a></span></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://www.atalossinfertility.com/griefgiftproducts/hot%2Fcold-therapy-rice-bags" target="_blank">Hot/Cold Therapy Bags</a></td></tr></tbody></table><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><span style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><a href="https://www.atalossinfertility.com/griefgiftproducts/milk-bath-salt-blend-" target="_blank"><img border="0" data-original-height="742" data-original-width="742" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhpc5hRB_cP87Up_ZiLM0ovV-Qqnpwo2bi8trThEXCJAS7mVQIU91KnKTyQ2SMxWQTzPG7XOJJMFBdqHIUVtzVGLfRnOl2G57IEDxPqAww3Qld1BLAGm5yxfTwumZX2ocrYVQW58OfkpDzzHzOQn9dI3cfLT2uUcvJ2Al7ii7OG1CK2Tm5CIvSUmU_7BBw/w200-h200/at%20a%20loss%20grief%20gift%20bath%20salts.jpg" width="200" /></a></span></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://www.atalossinfertility.com/griefgiftproducts/milk-bath-salt-blend-" target="_blank">Bath Salt Soak</a></td></tr></tbody></table><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><span style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><a href="https://www.atalossinfertility.com/griefgiftproducts/calming-tea" target="_blank"><img border="0" data-original-height="675" data-original-width="675" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg4C9-02YgMNswYi0qutdT5gFXqyY0HM1M0vDFvqU1SpqXVbN8qeuz9tFF5k2CzXaIp0MusM0LHaeAKEfRRTMycN01CereLHXEcUC6bk0Amc3ns3f2CnRg2njdC9W7Fz50SGSZyAfESOktjykTrxX_xDZe1VIVeABdxJMw_aCgZA-bUbeUQhJQ7whh8X9Q/w200-h200/at%20a%20loss%20grief%20gift%20tea.png" width="200" /></a></span></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://www.atalossinfertility.com/griefgiftproducts/calming-tea" target="_blank">Calming Tea</a></td></tr></tbody></table><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgH2gCSDsXB8W612QGMoIqheGXZCJskRi5ex1SjEBLNdRK0NvfdrvxMxsPbQ3nGnf-jFIhCfk8qbhDhAMJL8vCgw77xU0VB03X14uYFOBx8KGeW0QUPsSxCzlCAIw5X2pvLpOZIJAj4Zthy4Hz0qzS1jvYtY_iMCjKGYetPdkzc9joP3vkky4CEtJybw3M/s728/at%20a%20loss%20grief%20gift%20hot%20cold%20therapy%20bag.jpg"><br /></a>Has their loss been impacting their mental health? Giving themself the space (time & environment) to process their grief can help the mind let go of unhelpful thoughts and improve emotion regulation. Whether it's by pouring out or taking in new insights, finding their voice is important for healing. Other options I include in my grief gifts are...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://www.atalossinfertility.com/griefgiftproducts/grief-quote-journal-">A Journal</a> <a href="https://www.atalossinfertility.com/book" target="_blank">A Related Book</a> <a href="https://atalossgriefgifts.etsy.com" target="_blank">Art Prints</a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://www.atalossinfertility.com/griefgiftproducts/grief-quote-journal-" style="clear: left; display: inline; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;" target="_blank"><img border="0" data-original-height="1647" data-original-width="1647" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhcr-Lj09RGdIuC9XrHUCi_3lwqGcOQuxSwYc8F8PN83UCswxYULVB3M0bxaHQrHyXaOqHXdUiALopoZT2k9dSYRc5QWwH1cibp_qBtP6pWyl5tsjNHnKPncqjd-zccrhUDxwxor8ReBAmqwRyoSPzz-t8JUuPr4PgvLmvgi1G0J288Cp7-rjTnuhimASo/w200-h200/at%20a%20loss%20grief%20gift%20journal.jpg" width="200" /></a><a href="https://www.atalossinfertility.com/book" style="clear: left; display: inline; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;" target="_blank"><img border="0" data-original-height="1944" data-original-width="1740" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjB3RNxjau2CPiuOrLbEaDZNn1W0CdDRDHaP-YtB-MXD7GVSWGlom8VKqJiJn4k2jvI1tqIFoxr5f4Lub9EPqPfR-qzpxJNozSTQ9pS_PSG0_Zczc8tBUnShiTTi1MAQ6Ey4f9uYpaSdIxzXm-LDl6Z7eXP7nnfOfGbHhULVjESCA3I4HMwLbY78byRHPw/w179-h200/at%20a%20loss%20grief%20gifts%20infertility%20memoir.jpg" width="179" /></a><a href="https://atalossgriefgifts.etsy.com" style="clear: left; display: inline; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;" target="_blank"><img border="0" data-original-height="3059" data-original-width="2475" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgKaLLMdzMvWkQTWaez3F2F6ezS69w3rS3zf6akzF0TvXQmkYWSs4D7We5X77EubShbqkvCnWC8rNNX0iQ-xhyP7NoX4KhJlhKJVPxS2iHpeWi3MuRwuwMRB8_VWXQywQ73WUdbjCSHCiBIuuPF0lGyjuRmuZwIYYAb0izjt_Rr2KFb6hV_xyG9LhkyS74/w162-h200/at%20a%20loss%20grief%20gift%20art%20print.jpg" width="162" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><br />Or are they a person who benefits from having a touchstone to their loss? Something they can keep that serves as a remembrance of the love they still have in their heart. An item they can carry with them at all times can be very healing. There are many types of memorial jewelry pieces, as well as other items like keychains are small and discreet if they wouldn't want as much attention to it. I even work with a local nail polish boutique who has a couple of specially made colours to recognize loss of pregnancy and loss of child, for those who are not quite ready to fully express their grief, but appreciate their own visual reminder just for themselves. Here are some examples of what I have included in my grief gifts.</div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://www.atalossinfertility.com/griefgiftproducts/angel-wing-lava-stone-necklace-" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;" target="_blank"><img alt="at a loss angel wing necklace" border="0" data-original-height="1146" data-original-width="846" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjt_cw7kZnyKz2IRuNwHe9dCJa--iQ0qm95UtIcutJ4c3i3r5mGootADqswhg0z1czGREcAp8nxOzFHRRsqfSylkUwygDxg18EXXbmdeOSNZWHTtiYIyx_ulRAIprmoCRmcZyhT3e8VAZ6d1LaJrmv9s8gYCcm-nCmZPGxlEtiAjnCxqaa350mSzpTlABI/w148-h200/at%20a%20loss%20grief%20gift%20angel%20necklace.jpg" width="148" /></a><a href="https://www.atalossinfertility.com/griefgiftproducts/angel-wings-angelite-gem-bracelet" style="clear: left; display: inline; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;" target="_blank"><img alt="at a loss angel wings bracelets" border="0" data-original-height="559" data-original-width="559" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi1yVlAuzpFrU6odnrtZgH5Ng3W1u2pserEzMgej7Z06oqin7oU2elwicvKV7vEIJD0-IaODjPXA9rkN8KLf6ntGwfrF7-Wd3_8375Be1xdjcNcSjFIllu48TxZ4u2K5JMCo2JmCV2UqTSdYlvL9-IHiamggjJxlfJ2Vwa-JPNwJeLyHKTv0IYum8hxlbk/w200-h200/at%20a%20loss%20grief%20gift%20angel%20bracelet.jpg" width="200" /></a> <a href="https://www.atalossinfertility.com/griefgiftproducts/angel-wings-nail-polish" style="clear: left; display: inline; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;" target="_blank"><img alt="at a loss nail polish" border="0" data-original-height="539" data-original-width="539" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhbmJeuakMnc18zNvsIy2uA6uDUGNVJWtDGEVS4v7UbPFnfIDH_9WfXdyx5RZeVvJrxwazxSwHrZSgFWoJylMzSRUzu4DIPAmrxD7qusqEGEyvzWTFwyIIaXBPuFGkcejh_UhgkptA3DZZceURJJ-OHkVUuPclhQxzJgWHU6hm3v8fINJUadRbZXhsUfeE/w200-h200/at%20a%20loss%20grief%20gift%20nailpolish.jpg" width="200" /></a></div></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;">These ideas are all items that can be easily pulled together into a grief gift care package, and are much more personal than the traditional bouquet of flowers....which can often become another reminder of loss as they wilt away. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;">There are so many ideas out there, if you do a simple search on this topic you can find results are more common than you might think, if none of these suggestions suite your someone, you can find plenty more during a quick browse with a browser.</div><p>As I created this practical list of gifts for my own care packages, I decided last year to create a business where I could make these grief gifts on behalf of others. Sometimes those who want to help are also grieving or feel helpless or feel there are too many options, and so I wanted to make giving these gifts easier for more people. You can totally run with all the ideas I shared here, making it your own, but if you are in the Winnipeg, Manitoba area, you can also have me personally create a customized package for someone you want to support, it would be my privilege to help you care for someone at a loss.</p><p><b>7. Gift of Remembering</b></p><p>It is okay for you to bring up a known loss in conversation and ask how they are doing, even if it seems like they've stopped talking about it. So often, those grieving can pick up cues that people around them don't want to hear about their loss anymore, so they will stop sharing. Grief never really ends, it changes, but in some form or another it will always be there, so bringing up our loss will not remind us and bring up a pain we've forgotten, it will show us that you remember our loss and you <i>haven't </i>forgotten. And when you bring it up, it is an invitation for us to speak freely about it. </p><p>The other thing to note is the importance of dates & holidays. There will be some level of remembering which we experience on those days, and for some, sometimes, it can be like experiencing grief as fresh as the day of our loss. Anniversaries of loss, due dates, mother's/father's day, and other milestone days all bring about the 'what if's' that can bring grief flooding back. A few words from you on that day can be a light in a dark moment. The only thing harder than facing those dates every year is remembering alone. </p><p>Remembering with someone can be as simple as a, "thinking of you today" message, or a quick call to say "I am remembering with you today." Maybe you send a card to say something similar. If it's a significant number, like the one year anniversary, or tenth depending on the person, you might think a memorial type gift is appropriate as well, but mostly we would just appreciate an acknowledgement that people care enough to remember with us.</p><br /><div>You are already a wonderful support just by initiating understanding by reading this post, and considering how you can be there for your someone, clearly your heart is in the right place! Your someone is blessed to have you looking for ways to care for them better, so thank you on their behalf, they need you now more than ever.</div><div><br /></div><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiJojP7ppp5jYtKY5GIl_TZpAxsvBBGJ_N5vADc8zo1Fj1i0Xy92DZNv5GVoZW2fRnir3lqE7CS6kR_DT283drF_RKPKBymleuv6fk3yDkovJed9Pl1w77iZQRocmKxo1jkBAcMJS2lWHQwdsExQxhbwMi_m8amy2K1HN2OZ4Smn_38LN1DM1ZDIrczRJA/s1500/Pinterest%20Blog%20Post%20-%207%20Ways%20to%20Care.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1500" data-original-width="1000" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiJojP7ppp5jYtKY5GIl_TZpAxsvBBGJ_N5vADc8zo1Fj1i0Xy92DZNv5GVoZW2fRnir3lqE7CS6kR_DT283drF_RKPKBymleuv6fk3yDkovJed9Pl1w77iZQRocmKxo1jkBAcMJS2lWHQwdsExQxhbwMi_m8amy2K1HN2OZ4Smn_38LN1DM1ZDIrczRJA/w426-h640/Pinterest%20Blog%20Post%20-%207%20Ways%20to%20Care.png" width="426" /></a></div><br />Save to Pinterest to bookmark this post for future reading.</div>~Lori Alcorn~http://www.blogger.com/profile/18266077964468355491noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2291931999861262256.post-9409440337846624772023-08-15T07:22:00.000-05:002023-08-15T07:22:00.139-05:00The Bittersweet Bits<div class="separator" style="clear: both;">This is a truth that is slowing sinking deeper into my heart, that the most content life lies in holding the happy and the hard emotions in the same space.</div><p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhlZ2PHKv6lnlDG0nlk6cgeql33vQDYxAC7GCgL28a7Bbb6d5J-vkfasJNd6V1iD-Wlc_hHONMdk8T9pkeUvoN1Ej1hYJZmS6qIghyx-77A_2yfMNEVttqQyIkkQi9XvxdYG5s5eS_hPf8wVBWfCJ_CtyG0UiatrDIwbew1M6sXNBwWaFjoWYbR-_qe/s1640/Bittersweet.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="924" data-original-width="1640" height="360" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhlZ2PHKv6lnlDG0nlk6cgeql33vQDYxAC7GCgL28a7Bbb6d5J-vkfasJNd6V1iD-Wlc_hHONMdk8T9pkeUvoN1Ej1hYJZmS6qIghyx-77A_2yfMNEVttqQyIkkQi9XvxdYG5s5eS_hPf8wVBWfCJ_CtyG0UiatrDIwbew1M6sXNBwWaFjoWYbR-_qe/w640-h360/Bittersweet.png" width="640" /></a></div><br />I don't know if it's the menopause memory loss or it was just that long ago, but I can't remember when I first came across this concept, that I could feel two opposing ways at the same time, but I know it shocked me and took me quite awhile for that reality to set it. After all, I had been the one who barely made room for any hard feelings period, never mind letting them share space in my heart and mind with the happy, rose-coloured feelings I worked hard to steep myself in. Yet, the Divine had other plans for this stubbornly optimistic woman chasing rainbows. <br /><br /><b>Not unlike most of the lessons I've learned in life, it washed over me in waves. </b><br /><br />It was like a gentle lapping at first, just enough to tickle the toes and interest. Gradually it's more constant ebb and flow began shifting the sands that I was standing on, no longer feeling fully stable planted in a solely positive outlook. Finally the strength of it's tide was more than I could withstand, and it pulled me into it's depths completely. Each wave washed away the façade of what I had wanted to feel, which were merely shallow etchings not meant to have permanence in my life. <br /><br />The first lesson I learned was that what I had been calling negative emotions was a misnomer, they were not bad at all. Emotions are like indicator lights on a car dashboard, each one has a purpose to guide you to a reaction. Those emotions I had been listing under the umbrella of 'negative' were blinking lights to tell me there were problems I wasn't dealing with in a healthy way. I was uncomfortable for a reason. I was frustrated for a reason. I was angry for a reason. I was grieving for a reason. I was hurt for a reason. And those reasons would continue to happen if I ignored all my internal blinking lights.<br /><br />Once I became comfortable with actually allowing myself to feel hard feelings, it still took me a long time to embrace their role in my mental & emotional health. They showed me problems in my relationships, my expectations, my self-perception, and the list goes on, yet my upbringing wouldn't let me focus on them long enough to honour them or deal with them. I was taught not to complain, to always forgive, to always be grateful, turn the other cheek, and put others needs ahead of my own. There are seeds of truth to those adages, but they can't be blanket statements over every situation. <br /><br />Yes, gratitude does have incredibly positive effects on our minds, it helps people feel more positive emotions, relish good experiences, improve their health, deal with adversity, and build resilience and strengthen relationships. However, many of us have been taught a toxic kind of positivity, an extreme appreciativeness which dismisses the reality of accompanying 'indicator light' emotions, which are not meant to feel good. They are there to create discomfort so that change takes place. Toxic positivity also responds to distress with false reassurances rather than empathy, and we've long learned that platitudes and candy-coated sentiments help nobody. It actually does more harm than the good it's pushing, causing us to become disconnected from reality, everything is not in fact always positive.<br /><br /><b>The benefits of the bittersweet </b><br /><br />It's no surprise I used to hate the word bittersweet. And I don't use the word hate lightly. Hate, after all, used to be a negative emotion. I just thought in more black & white terms back then, if it's sweet it's sweet, it can't also be bitter, or hard, or upsetting. Or at least, through my rose-coloured glasses I thought, it should not be.<br /><br />But as I began to absorb and incorporate the truth of 'feeling all the feels', I began to see the truth behind the word bittersweet. And I worked to embrace finding more bittersweet in my life. I intentionally practiced holding space for all the emotions trying to get my attention, especially where I'd done them a disservice in the past. When hard things happened, I resisted avoiding or glossing over the challenging emotions that came with. When enjoying fellowship with friends, I worked at believing I wasn't spoiling the pleasantness if I was honest about going through something difficult. I found my highs and lows balancing out, neither extreme gripping me like they used to. This more even keel of reality motivated me to begin to seek out more practices that could proactively help me embrace & express the emotions guiding me to healthier thoughts and actions. <br /><br />This is when I was also deep diving into how art can also help, in that same vein of 'no holds barred' open expression. Through a variety of concepts and practices I found in different art books, I pieced together something I call Bittersweet Bits. Bittersweet Bits are moments of our day we choose to reflect on and take a balanced view of, beginning with reflecting on what we can be grateful for from an experience or situation, but then also acknowledging what was hard about that moment. The word bittersweet is the epitome of the concept that something can be two things at once, a moment can be sweet at the same time as it is bitter, and there is space for both to be held and honored. <br /><br />More than a year after I coined this term and started incorporating how I could use it in the art journaling courses I was planning, I started seeing more of the world embracing the benefits of the bittersweet. One of my new favorite blogs (or podcast if you'd rather listen) that deals with loss & grief wrote <a href="https://www.thesilentwhy.com/post/bittersweet">this post</a> with an excellent take on the importance and prevalence of the bittersweet in life. It was really enlightening about how the bittersweet is inescapable and also beautiful. And her post led me to a book of the same title, <a href="https://www.amazon.ca/Bittersweet-Thoughts-Change-Grace-Learning/dp/0310335280">Bittersweet</a> by Shauna Niequist, that had a perfect quote about it.<div><span style="font-family: verdana;"><b></b></span></div><blockquote><div><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><b>"Bittersweet is the idea that in all things there is both something broken and something beautiful, that there is a moment of lightness on even the darkest of nights." </b>~ Shauna Niequist</span></div></blockquote><div>Now these were terms I had long resonated with. Long before infertility, or even before meeting my husband, there was a relationship I thought had broke me, but God had revealed His light in that darkness, and showed me the beauty in me that had been amplified from being broken in that way. I had learned to seek out joy in all circumstances, searching for the light trying to get through those cracks. Or as psychology now calls them, glimmers amongst my triggers. This created a resilience in me, which really came through for me during the hardest moments of loss in motherhood, and all the pieces of the puzzle were coming together as I realized Bittersweet Bits were just a new iteration of that practice I had already been working on for years.<div><br />Yet another wave pulling me deeper into the truth. Good thing I love the ocean!</div></div>~Lori Alcorn~http://www.blogger.com/profile/18266077964468355491noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2291931999861262256.post-58546703651321430482023-07-21T07:27:00.015-05:002024-02-26T14:55:07.907-06:00The Foundation<p>Let's start at the very beginning, a very good place to start.</p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhTRe3NVNM7G3nzpIXntsBDgPE6ukCf9DnG3wl4FbqRoP8LjS6WX-8IiMKYrfieToXJn_DW4WMFzXrfmjwS6fjrrbj_J0EYXk2unsNaCAwkjgDb8kwvRh0PSEb3lTpXN_z4pS0KJxWBFUqSLcFTNnpe1k7R4zkGtplOf40aCj1CDJ8xEhz11v3fahOa/s1640/Self%20care_edited.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="924" data-original-width="1640" height="360" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhTRe3NVNM7G3nzpIXntsBDgPE6ukCf9DnG3wl4FbqRoP8LjS6WX-8IiMKYrfieToXJn_DW4WMFzXrfmjwS6fjrrbj_J0EYXk2unsNaCAwkjgDb8kwvRh0PSEb3lTpXN_z4pS0KJxWBFUqSLcFTNnpe1k7R4zkGtplOf40aCj1CDJ8xEhz11v3fahOa/w640-h360/Self%20care_edited.jpg" width="640" /></a></div><p>Today I am giving you the inside scoop, today I'm giving you some of the key details about my very first step of the Coaching process.... for the low, low cost of zero dollars! With every single one of my clients, this is where we begin. The foundation. We need to start at the basics. Because trying to build something new and good in your life will not last unless we have stabilized the foundation it's resting on. If you are considering investing in Coaching, then you are already aware there are gaps between where you are and where you would like to be, and you need help getting there. Well, those gaps are because of leaks which you are experiencing in your emotional, physical, mental and spiritual health. </p>These four main areas of health make up the foundational structure of your well-being, they establish our stability as a healthy person. Like a house has four walls to support its integrity and optimal capacity, these are your four walls, which are integral to creating a foundation of health which the rest of your life can securely build on. These four are also interconnected & intertwined, designed to work together. When one area is suffering the others are not going to be optimal either. If one of the walls of our house had a giant hole in it, the integrity of the whole house would be compromised. There are many things that can create these holes in our walls, and losses in our journey to motherhood especially can create holes in <i>all four walls. </i><div><br /></div><div>You may have minimized how you allow yourself to react to these losses, but acknowledged or not, our state of feeling whole is impacted by them. Losses in dreams of motherhood have ripple effects. Loss of identity. Loss of connection. Loss of hormone function. Loss of finances. Loss of purpose. Loss of belonging. Loss of body image. This is why you have felt depleted. These are gaping holes in all your walls. </div><div><br /></div><div><span style="background-color: #baefe4;"><b>Now let's just pause for a moment. </b></span><span style="background-color: #baefe4;">If this is the first time you are realizing the significance and far reaching affects of losses in motherhood, please take a moment. That's a lot. Take a moment to honour what you have been through. </span></div><div><br /></div><div>No matter what the world may have convinced you of, these are not cosmetic repairs. For some of you, these have been wrecking balls! I know for me it was. And just re-focusing our energies into something that seems positive, that <i>seems</i> like a good way to move forward, but it isn't enough. I know that from personal experience as well. It's like adding a second story to a house that doesn't have solid, load-bearing walls. </div><div><br /></div><div>So, how do you go about starting to restore these walls in a way that will once again give you that solid foundation to build your life on. The starting point I give every client is evaluating how well they are caring for their health, in other words self-care. For those of you who may be imagining antiquated ideas like bubble baths and chocolate, there is a ton of evidence that true self care is far more integral to health than just some 'feel good' moments. </div><blockquote><div><b><span style="font-family: helvetica;"><span face="Lato, sans-serif" style="background-color: white; font-size: 16px;">"Self-care is therefore the fundamental level of health care in all societies and should be seen as a major public health resource." </span><br /></span></b><div><span style="font-family: helvetica; font-size: x-small;"><b>~International Self-Care Foundation</b></span></div></div></blockquote><p>Even the World Health Organization has seen the importance of creating a definition to help clarify the importance of self-care. And, while self-care activities are wide ranging and personalized (and may actually include bubble baths and chocolate), most lists of self-care activities are derived from knowledge and skills from a collection of both professional and lay experience. They are meant to create a holistic approach that doesn't focus on just one area of health, but rather a comprehensive strategy that can be both a reactive and proactive treatment for optimal health.</p><p>And it is from that understanding of self-care that I have created my own list of activities connected to various areas of health, and a way to evaluate how well you are engaging in those types of self-care. If you want to start working on the foundation of your health, you can start today! Today we'll pretend you are my valued client and <a href="https://www.dropbox.com/s/aiuk29hnp2q8nnf/Self%20Care%20Evaluation.pdf?dl=0" target="_blank">this self-care evaluation</a> is all yours 💖 What better day to begin strengthening your foundation than today!</p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://www.dropbox.com/s/aiuk29hnp2q8nnf/Self%20Care%20Evaluation.pdf?dl=0" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;" target="_blank"><img border="0" data-original-height="509" data-original-width="390" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjLom8B3cxRdOcU2coNU5zXKYkaMuL4q6rt1BLidQJCJp8SkwELqHS8KkSyesTGLKYhrNKbOug48R0XNx8nwox8HLhan9Nlz0G7rL5jlfbtFUupfpfATuZBu-lJWk6SGXRyMpkNlYQU2YXwAdBjrDI2sWdbwJyG1LIwzrZIVTXKAn2Hyz0uGalcLM_-/w306-h400/Self-Care%20Evaluation.png" width="306" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div>Save to Pinterest to bookmark this post for future reading.~Lori Alcorn~http://www.blogger.com/profile/18266077964468355491noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2291931999861262256.post-44178284565349902182023-06-12T22:46:00.009-05:002024-01-08T13:55:15.421-06:00Where's the Grief?<div>Grief has got to be the most unpredictable emotion I have ever encountered. </div><div><br /></div><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEghEMQSX8XkpJ-5FIpU9Q4nRJmForl0u5bJ6uJBDkxhe-Q_gSXUW6XqdlD--mOguy07mpeXByM-BUR7u8tOLHol77ls642wC5Ge449HsYgkv_KvD2vsO_NMXONb2h93qEr657B60pe49U9WJTIS5zY49X9e7loxuP5sz93UbkMPaaQF8P_QnPAeDfEC/s1076/Where's%20the%20Grief%20Blog%202.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="664" data-original-width="1076" height="394" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEghEMQSX8XkpJ-5FIpU9Q4nRJmForl0u5bJ6uJBDkxhe-Q_gSXUW6XqdlD--mOguy07mpeXByM-BUR7u8tOLHol77ls642wC5Ge449HsYgkv_KvD2vsO_NMXONb2h93qEr657B60pe49U9WJTIS5zY49X9e7loxuP5sz93UbkMPaaQF8P_QnPAeDfEC/w640-h394/Where's%20the%20Grief%20Blog%202.png" width="640" /></a></div><br /></div><div>After already having fought the storms of grief from infertility and miscarriages, I expected a <i>significant </i>bout of grief when we definitively decided we were resigning to be childless. I think I knew I was done with trying to conceive over a year before I made the actual conscious decision, and that I delayed the finality because I was fearful. Fearful of the looming dark cloud of grief I imagined would just appear over me the minute I fully realized I would never be a mother the way I wanted to be. I didn't want to be swept away in the deluge downpour of difficult emotions. </div><div><br /></div><div>I had the conversation with myself. Decision made. I waited. Nothing.</div><div><br /></div><div>I had the conversation with my husband. Decision agreed upon. I waited. Nothing.</div><div><br /></div><div>I told a few of my closest friends about the decision. I waited. Nothing.</div><div><br /></div><div>I wrote a <a href="https://pregnantpausecoaching.blogspot.com/2020/04/letting-go-of-end-of-rope.html" target="_blank">blog post</a> about the decision. I waited. Nothing.</div><div><br /></div><div>What the heck.</div><div><br /></div><div>This was not what I expected. And I felt much more relieved than I thought I would. I felt an excited anticipation actually. I felt a lot of interesting emotions, but grief was not really one of them. </div><div><br /></div><div>In the coming months, there were definitely some of the same old triggers that gave me twinges of grief. But I would sort & separate which hurts were because of something else about the situation versus if I was really experiencing denied parenthood pangs. It ended up it was mostly the former. I went through the first year surprised by the rainbows of feeling like a mother in other ways, and grief hardly made an appearance at all. </div><div><br /></div><div>As time went on, I found I was usually quite ok around pregnancies (wanted ones anyway). And I was more than ok around babies, even eager to hold any and every baby. I was excited about baby showers and crocheting gifts of beautiful baby blankets, made with love and prayers poured over the stitches. It was so nice to feel like I could just exist around such a normal part of life without being triggered anymore. Was it really just a matter of time healing all things? Was it my acceptance that I had a meaningful purpose elsewhere, which gave me value outside of my reproduction abilities? Was it owning my story, no matter how different it seemed from anyone else's? I wasn't sure but it was a welcome change.</div><div><br /></div><div>However, grief has a funny way of changing the landscape and suddenly there were other losses that became evident in the permanence of childlessness. </div><div><br /></div><div><span face="arial, sans-serif" style="background-color: white; color: #4d5156; font-size: 14px;"></span><blockquote><span face="arial, sans-serif" style="background-color: white; font-size: 14px;"><span style="color: #4d5156;">"</span></span><span face="arial, sans-serif" style="background-color: white; color: #5f6368; font-size: 14px; font-weight: bold;">Grief is like a long valley, a winding valley where any bend may reveal a totally new landscape</span><span face="arial, sans-serif" style="background-color: white; color: #4d5156; font-size: 14px;">." ~ C.S. Lewis</span></blockquote><span face="arial, sans-serif" style="background-color: white; color: #4d5156; font-size: 14px;"></span></div><div><br /></div><div>Like loneliness. It's official now, I don't fit in with any demographic other than women in their 40s with no children. Or like floundering in the pursuit of purpose. This is where I have to find my meaning now, so failure hits extra hard. And having spiritual kids who find you as a young adult, you know the time when they are too busy learning to adult to want to spend a lot of time with parents. A friend of mine, a fellow childless Enneagram Two, pointed out that our personality longs most for loving connections and the purpose of being able to help people, which all happens naturally and frequently in the framework of a family. Without that 24/7 access to that through a family, us childless Two's have far less access to our deepest desires. Ooof. This is where it gets real griefy, as she says.</div><div><br /></div><div>The thing about new landscapes though, is there is a learning curve along with the curve in the road that brought you here. There is an adjustment period as you learn to navigate the new terrain. You have to learn new approaches, new landmarks, new terminology. I had been living like a foreigner here, hoping to find the familiar so I wouldn't have to change further, but this was not the place I used to live and trying to live that way would only continue to disappoint me. I would never find my safe landing place, surrounded by beauty and joy while I lived in that denial. And I am a firm believer there is beauty in every landscape, I knew this new space would become really beautiful once I fully embraced it. So that's what I did. </div><div><br /></div><div>Rather than wait for the old friends to finally make room for me, I opened myself up to pursuing whatever connections came my way, no matter our age or any other demographic or distance. I realized that just being wholly myself and completely honest about who I am, people of all walks of life were drawn to <b><i>me</i></b>, not the things I check off in a census survey. </div><div><br /></div><div>While I'd love it if I had a little more success in my multitude of self-employment endeavors, ultimately I am happy because I am helping people, and when finances are getting tight, somehow God always provides enough to get us by. It may mean taking on casual side work now and then, and even if I don't love the work, I have been blessed by the new friendships that have come as a result. Double blessing!</div><div><br /></div><div>So, yes, grief showed up. I didn't recognize it at first, but it helped me see the losses I hadn't acknowledged yet, which is always the start of the road to healing. The journey it took me on led me to explore my new landscape, seeking out beauty and joy, and the thing I learned about losses is that there is so much more gratitude for the small wins than there ever was before. As a dear friend realized through the loss of her own pregnancy, </div><div><span face="arial, sans-serif" style="background-color: white; font-size: 14px;"><span style="color: #4d5156;"></span></span><blockquote><span face="arial, sans-serif" style="background-color: white; font-size: 14px;"><span style="color: #4d5156;">"<b>When g</b></span></span><span face="arial, sans-serif" style="background-color: white; color: #5f6368; font-size: 14px; font-weight: bold;">rief has had enough time to settle, it has the capacity to fashion itself into joy</span><span face="arial, sans-serif" style="background-color: white; color: #4d5156; font-size: 14px;">." ~ Vanessa Kolthoff</span></blockquote><p>Save to Pinterest to bookmark this post for future reading. </p></div>~Lori Alcorn~http://www.blogger.com/profile/18266077964468355491noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2291931999861262256.post-42196081284577779292023-05-08T15:21:00.006-05:002024-02-26T14:54:13.341-06:00Invited to the Unboxing<p> Everyone is welcome at my table.</p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiv_SNRtS2zQiL8xiKBKgvFHk02g37C6v3Erw0vW4I2_OyM16NfiwA1pF1hWdWXhmreZgG5tz36boDL-0hLN6JZNbcJ5u309H2o5MS2PH_VQMzegfA1CHWt1HZXplzbmaV1_8VR8N3SIvpfoc9116YJ2EwJbXEnD5LF6_1idUfsgEfPEUehhMitQsEU/s750/pexels-photo-4877857-gathering_edited.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="500" data-original-width="750" height="426" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiv_SNRtS2zQiL8xiKBKgvFHk02g37C6v3Erw0vW4I2_OyM16NfiwA1pF1hWdWXhmreZgG5tz36boDL-0hLN6JZNbcJ5u309H2o5MS2PH_VQMzegfA1CHWt1HZXplzbmaV1_8VR8N3SIvpfoc9116YJ2EwJbXEnD5LF6_1idUfsgEfPEUehhMitQsEU/w640-h426/pexels-photo-4877857-gathering_edited.jpg" width="640" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><span style="text-align: left;">Don't let the name fool you. I know, the name of this blog and my website and my social accounts may seem to say otherwise, but I hope you hear me out. Niche's are a necessary . . . . I won't go as far to say 'evil'. . . but they do really make it impossible to be as inclusive as one may want to be. </span></div><p style="text-align: justify;">As I want to be.</p><p style="text-align: justify;"><br /></p><p><b>A niche is just another box</b></p><p>The reason I began my work in this field was because I wanted to help women who, like myself, just couldn't find the support they needed as they kept facing detours in their pursuit of motherhood. My experiences didn't fit into any boxes. I wasn't a mother in any traditional sense. I wasn't choosing the treatments or options that other people were. I had no diagnosis. There was no box to check that said 'waiting until God makes a way for super natural motherhood.' I shared my story and support from the perspective of wide ranging relatability.</p><p>However, the minute I wanted to widen the range of women I could help beyond my immediate vicinity, all the promotion 'wisdom' of the world pointed me towards getting into a box. If I label myself too vaguely, those whom I am trying to help can't really find me. If I label myself in a specific niche area, many people who could actually resonate with my perspective swipe on by, "that's not me." The widest net I could cast was the label infertility, hoping that my much broader offerings might still catch the eye of those who have some overlap with some of the experiences that I share. </p><p>Women who are <i>infertility adjacent.</i></p><p>Like those who may resonate with the pregnancy losses I have experienced. But. They went on to be able to give birth and have children. </p><p>Like those who have also received a diagnosis that encompasses infertility. But. They chose an option I didn't and became a mother.</p><p>Like those who identify as childless. But. They didn't have a chance to pursue it, they are childless by circumstance, such as not being married or getting married until after a child-bearing age.</p><p><br /></p><p><b>When you are At a Loss</b></p><p>So, being at a loss for how to communicate the inclusivity, I have worked hard to offer supports and resources focused on healing from the hurt of feeling at a loss related to becoming a mother. </p><p>Any kind of loss. Period.</p><p>The longer I am in this work, the more stories I hear that are so different from, yet so similar to, my own. As I shared in this post on what I've realized about fertility related <a href="https://pregnantpausecoaching.blogspot.com/2021/04/the-support-spectrum.html" target="_blank">support systems</a>; </p><p><i><span style="color: #0d8350; font-size: medium;">"<b style="background-color: white; font-family: Cantarell;">Each story shared one heartbreak, but not one outcome was the exact same."</b></span></i></p><p>So.</p><p>In every conversation I have, in every circumstance I find myself in, I do my best to unbox myself. To deconstruct the construct of my label. I do my best to create a community that is a large circle and has room for anyone who wants to be included. If any of what I share resonates with your experience, you are welcome at the table! </p><p>You may have noticed, rainbow analogies find their way into my writing a lot, and so this should come as no surprise, but I see each unique story as it's own vibrant hue, yet, united our spectrum is even brighter and more beautiful. </p><p><br /></p><p>Save to Pinterest to bookmark this post for future reading.</p>~Lori Alcorn~http://www.blogger.com/profile/18266077964468355491noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2291931999861262256.post-5954850634775521172023-02-22T07:00:00.002-06:002024-01-08T13:53:45.880-06:00Wait, what? Waiting again?<div data-en-clipboard="true" data-pm-slice="1 1 []"><div data-en-clipboard="true" data-pm-slice="1 1 []">Just when I thought I understood my infertility, my hormones, my journey, it throws a curve ball.</div><div data-en-clipboard="true" data-pm-slice="1 1 []"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjVqr0-h1XdIEsCI5HBh4_dsm-BBYxCeR0PkG1-UF-Y9xqHfyB30O2UIDY0tAoG9VyOIxV12fmNfwVnUoh-nx9OiEkQE7rlmdyRmViv8gE2pt9UKN2zwFIfbLMiIjxU4JnNroOTitQhOaGkFrRJmcLfF-aLCzg6cwBMmZtWdAHeXK20nVwe9yqRAp9x/s4000/2023-02-21%2012.57.49.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="3000" data-original-width="4000" height="480" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjVqr0-h1XdIEsCI5HBh4_dsm-BBYxCeR0PkG1-UF-Y9xqHfyB30O2UIDY0tAoG9VyOIxV12fmNfwVnUoh-nx9OiEkQE7rlmdyRmViv8gE2pt9UKN2zwFIfbLMiIjxU4JnNroOTitQhOaGkFrRJmcLfF-aLCzg6cwBMmZtWdAHeXK20nVwe9yqRAp9x/w640-h480/2023-02-21%2012.57.49.jpg" width="640" /></a></div><br /><div data-en-clipboard="true" data-pm-slice="1 1 []">I thought entering menopause was going to make easier the transition from TTC to not. In a way it did, it flipped a switch in my brain 4 years ago that helped me accept what I hadn't been able to verbalize, I no longer felt it was in my or my body's best interest to be a biological mother. It took until 3 years ago to actually definitively make that decision, and because of what was actually happening to my body I was able to know with certainty that was the right choice. No matter how my heart wanted to hold my own flesh & bone in my womb & arms. Starting menopause was a good thing. And for almost 3 years it continued to be good for me. </div></div><div data-en-clipboard="true" data-pm-slice="1 1 []"><br /></div><div>But. </div><div><br /></div><div>That was when symptoms were everything but menstrual related. In the last 6 months they've begun to change my cycle, the hormones fluctuating & messing with my former understanding of my symptoms. The lengthened cycle by two weeks. The extra heavy flow. It is pretty triggering for someone who has had several miscarriages at approximately the two week mark. It's almost more crazy inducing than the original two week wait. </div><div><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-family: arial; font-size: medium;">Anyone else finding menopause is like <br />playing the shell game with their period?</span></b></div><div><br /></div><div>Just when I thought all the decisions about my body and fertility were a thing of the past, I'm back in the throws of having to decide what is best for my body, and more importantly, my mental health. Again. But this time I don't want to get pregnant. It's a little too trippy to be contemplating going back on birth control, when for 17 years I lived out the realization I had never needed it. </div><div><br /></div><div>But now I do? </div><div><br /></div><div>I went into research mode and turns out this is a common thing. In fact, I recently recalled, when I first told my doctor I had started peri-menopause, he asked if my cycle was erratic yet and if I wanted to go on birth control. Coming out of years of my hormones being an unpredictable gong show, reeking havoc on my body and mind, I immediately dismissed that option at the time. My cycles were not erratic, I did not need to throw in another hormone adjustment to the mix.</div><div><br /></div><div>Three years later though, my hormones have settled down. Once I figured out where they normalized at, we made peace. I had finally found some peace with my body. I thought this new status quo we had going on was more than manageable, it was good. Until, every few months they decide to time travel to 10-13 years ago when late periods were synonymous with anxiety and depression.</div><div><br /></div><div>So. This is where I am at. </div><div><br /></div><div>Made an appointment with my doctor to go back on birth control. Not what I expected at 45. Not what I expected out of this meno-pause. But I need this pause to be more sane than the last one, and that means no more two week waits. </div><div><br /></div><div>Save to Pinterest to bookmark this post for future reading.</div>~Lori Alcorn~http://www.blogger.com/profile/18266077964468355491noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2291931999861262256.post-59487838941574940102022-11-01T21:08:00.006-05:002024-01-08T13:52:54.035-06:00Where to start discovering more about the Enneagram.....and yourselfBy now you may be really curious about the Enneagram I talk about so fondly and frequently. After my <a href="https://www.thesilentwhy.com/podcast/episode/7c208528/lets-chat-understanding-ourselves-better-through-the-enneagram" target="_blank">podcast interview</a> last week talking about the Enneagram on <a href="https://www.thesilentwhy.com/" target="_blank">The Silent Why</a>, I've been asked where to learn more about this tool of awareness. Aside from the resources I shared in the <a href="https://www.thesilentwhy.com/podcast/episode/7c208528/lets-chat-understanding-ourselves-better-through-the-enneagram" target="_blank">episode notes</a>, I thought a list of books - with a bit of a book review for each - might be a great resource for those searching for a place to discover more about the Enneagram personality system. <div><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEizsHVBVL71HncL38gy0rX6wrXh0QXPKINwy_G0ZGdnpN9qrQJSLuM6aob_RM7WTsLzAavLE1GfEzuuM_oM9XAj-u4GWdoH-z8PsiRh1-U58zQz8EznU3zBjaLKoG4sfVRqqvex-Nh3m4wbimLa0MeP0MJBgGdCwrpatPbHBr5x4E5FDiGaJJVGOmML/s3571/2022-11-01%2018.34.02-3.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1750" data-original-width="3571" height="314" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEizsHVBVL71HncL38gy0rX6wrXh0QXPKINwy_G0ZGdnpN9qrQJSLuM6aob_RM7WTsLzAavLE1GfEzuuM_oM9XAj-u4GWdoH-z8PsiRh1-U58zQz8EznU3zBjaLKoG4sfVRqqvex-Nh3m4wbimLa0MeP0MJBgGdCwrpatPbHBr5x4E5FDiGaJJVGOmML/w640-h314/2022-11-01%2018.34.02-3.jpg" width="640" /></a></div><br /><div><br /></div><div>I figure most people are starting with a very minimal understanding of the personality typing approach of the Enneagram, or even no understanding, so my list will start with books best for beginners and move to those looking for more in-depth insights about their number and how that awareness can lead to transformation. </div><div><br /></div><div><b>1. <a href="https://www.amazon.ca/Road-Back-You-Morgan-Cron/dp/0830846190" target="_blank">The Road Back To You</a> - by Ian Morgan Cron & Suzanne Stabile</b></div><div>I am sorry it took me so long to read this book, it should have been my first book on the subject except it didn't exist for several more years! This book goes into just the right amount of detail to help you get a significant amount of helpful information, without using too much technical terminology or diving too deep into psychology. The authors give a simple framework to understand the system, and then spot-on real life examples that bring these types to life. The authors share the perspective of how the Enneagram has been a tool of spiritual direction but also for essential human growth. This is one of the shortest books in my library but it is not short on what you need to get hooked on understanding your type. </div><div>Favorite Quote || <i>"The point of it is self-understanding and growing beyond the self-defeating dimensions of our personality, as well as improving relationships and growing in compassion for others."</i></div><div><br /></div><div><b>2. <a href="https://www.amazon.ca/Enneagram-Guide-Waking-Up-Discover/dp/164297031X/ref=sr_1_1?crid=2MPV91GSMJLXW&keywords=The+Enneagram%3A+Guide+to+Waking+up&qid=1667333843&qu=eyJxc2MiOiIwLjU5IiwicXNhIjoiMC4wMCIsInFzcCI6IjAuMDAifQ%3D%3D&s=books&sprefix=the+enneagram+guide+to+waking+up+%2Cstripbooks%2C158&sr=1-1" target="_blank">The Enneagram: Guide to Waking up </a>- by Beatrice Chestnut & Uranio Paes</b></div><div>This book has been my favorite book for breaking down each type and really diving in to the various components of the Enneagram system for each number. The way the authors explore each type in a way that personifies how they developed from childhood is so helpful to see why we and our personality need not be the same thing...and should not be. This book covers areas helpful to awaken to our true selves, such as; key patterns, passions (fixations), blind spots, shadow self, core pain, subtypes, and how to use our connections to other numbers to grow.</div><div><div>Favorite Quote || <i>"The Enneagram helps us understand how the survival strategies we develop in early life can turn us into zombies later in life. When we fall asleep to our true selves and our enormous potential, we lose sight of our innate capacity for growth."</i></div><div>* If you've become quite familiar with the various elements of the Enneagram types, you can get an even deeper dive within each number in Beatrice's book <a href="https://www.amazon.ca/Complete-Enneagram-Paths-Greater-Self-Knowledge/dp/1938314549/ref=pd_bxgy_img_sccl_1/143-9026586-3004210?pd_rd_w=QFun6&content-id=amzn1.sym.17b2b149-58e2-4824-ba79-851c5f351fdc&pf_rd_p=17b2b149-58e2-4824-ba79-851c5f351fdc&pf_rd_r=3XRTYWVD3NNTGY2A2Z3F&pd_rd_wg=FCTG3&pd_rd_r=16280789-f9af-43b5-946c-0b51a0dc19df&pd_rd_i=1938314549&psc=1" target="_blank">The Complete Enneagram: 27 Paths to Greater Self-Knowledge.</a></div></div><div><br /></div><div><div><b>3. <a href="https://www.amazon.ca/PATH-BETWEEN-US-Suzanne-Stabile/dp/0830846425/ref=pd_lpo_2?pd_rd_w=KknqX&content-id=amzn1.sym.bc8b374c-8130-4c45-bf24-4fcc0d96f4d6&pf_rd_p=bc8b374c-8130-4c45-bf24-4fcc0d96f4d6&pf_rd_r=2JZ3SM4YPB74MX7D98Y1&pd_rd_wg=H6G0B&pd_rd_r=bf627c4f-3bfc-4fb8-922e-95d6b2ae6393&pd_rd_i=0830846425&psc=1" target="_blank">The Path Between Us</a> - by Suzanne Stabile</b></div><div>This is not a beginner book in that you <i><b>will</b></i> need to have a basic understanding of the Enneagram, and be fairly certain of your type, as the purpose of the book isn't to help you understand yourself as much as it is written to help understand the interactions in relationships caused by our personality defaults. I have listed this book third though because I believe the concept of the Enneagram as a relational tool should be introduced as early as possible into your journey. I am a big believer that the Enneagram's value lies equally between guiding self-awareness and guiding inter-personal dynamics in every type of relationship, and this book does a great job de-mystifying our behaviours in relation to other people.</div><div>Favorite Quote || <i>"It is my hope that you will use the Enneagram to offer love and acceptance and assurance to those people who inhabit your days and your life....to take seriously what others say about how they experience you in relationships, and then use what the Enneagram teaches to do something about it."</i></div></div><div><br /></div><div><b>4. <a href="https://www.amazon.ca/Enneagram-Christian-Perspective-Richard-Rohr/dp/0824519507/ref=sr_1_1?crid=2KDM43XJIB42W&keywords=The+Enneagram%3A+A+Christian+Perspective&qid=1667333918&qu=eyJxc2MiOiIwLjAwIiwicXNhIjoiMC4wMCIsInFzcCI6IjAuMDAifQ%3D%3D&s=books&sprefix=the+enneagram+a+christian+perspective%2Cstripbooks%2C171&sr=1-1" target="_blank">The Enneagram: A Christian Perspective</a> - by Richard Rohr & Andreas Ebert</b></div><div>I can't recall how I came across this book when I searched for my first book to read on the Enneagram, but I really loved how it started with an in-depth look into the origins of the Enneagram and how they correspond to the Christian belief system. I am a fan of history and the authors do a great job of presenting as much information as possible, without being too overwhelming, on this system that has been used in various ways for various purposes across hundreds of years. The other thing I love about this book is that for each type a narrative is written of what it looks like in their daily life, with several real life examples, and this was how I clearly saw myself as a type Two on these pages. It is a pretty jam-packed book full of a lot of information, but if you really want a comprehensive understanding of the Enneagram from a Christian perspective, it is worth the read. I feel this book was written with spiritual direction in mind, which I am a fan of, and so I appreciated a lot of the last section of the book designed to guide spiritual growth, especially where they show Jesus reflecting each Enneagram type.</div><div>Favorite Quote || <i> "Self-knowledge is tied to inner work, which is both demanding and painful. It takes courage to walk such a path. Because God loves us unconditionally - along with our dark sides - we don't need to dodge ourselves. In the light of this love the pain of self-knowledge can be at the same time the beginning of our healing."</i></div><div><br /></div><div><b>5. <a href="https://www.amazon.com/Wisdom-Enneagram-Psychological-Spiritual-Personality/dp/0553378201?SubscriptionId=0ENGV10E9K9QDNSJ5C82&tag=theenneinst-20&linkCode=xm2&camp=2025&creative=165953&creativeASIN=0553378201" target="_blank">The Wisdom of the Enneagram </a>- by Don Richard Riso & Russ Hudson</b></div><div>It is widely thought that this book represents a definitive guide on the Enneagram, and is about as close to the text book on it as you can get. The authors are the creators of the <a href="https://www.enneagraminstitute.com/" target="_blank">Enneagram Institute</a> (another tremendous resource with a lot of free material) and so they offer more psychological background on the Enneagram and self-awareness than the other books, but also similarly connects the tool with spiritual practices for a holistic approach, which anchors the ideas with action to awaken transformation. On these pages are introduced the sub-categorization of various triad groupings within the 9 types, which can further explain behaviour as well as help narrow down our type if we're having trouble identifying ourselves. This book also introduces more information about what each number looks like at various levels of health and what the movement between the levels can look like. This book is particularly helpful if you are having trouble identifying your number.</div><div>Favorite Quote || <i> "If we observe ourselves truthfully and non-judgmentally, seeing the mechanisms of our personality in action, we can wake up, and our lives can be a miraculous unfolding of beauty and joy."</i></div><div><br /></div><div>So that's my go-to list of books that represent the best of what's out there to understand the Enneagram. There are several more niche books that take the Enneagram into more specific areas of understanding, and I've read quite a few of them, so if you are looking into a book not on this list, feel free to reach out and ask about it, I'd be happy to give insight into it's contents if I can. </div><div><br /></div><div><b>I hope one of these books begins a fascinating journey of self-discovery for you!</b></div><div><b><br /></b></div><div>Save to Pinterest to bookmark this post for future reading.</div>~Lori Alcorn~http://www.blogger.com/profile/18266077964468355491noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2291931999861262256.post-81290946382538220762022-06-08T09:00:00.023-05:002024-02-26T14:53:36.815-06:00Everything the Light Touches<p>I've been reflecting on death a lot lately. As one does when they've been to two funerals in three months. </p><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><span style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><a href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/garryknight/26921449988" target="_blank"><img alt="Yellow Roses Photo by Garry Knight" border="0" data-original-height="2328" data-original-width="4000" height="372" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjTX6lJBgz_GWFhMrAuMP8lvcV0s3WeXNZLiA86VNuH71Qkb1LdHSeaj1794-VMikOy-S9bPmpSx5t9kkulD7YzrHdbQHVV8HhLFIrbcS9Ib-jbuPXs5AMMDRpk5J1aaT-KLVUHrfm7OY8ta29hFdbOqbAMOuFurlquqKNtMr8J21rDjXFNjW1t59yv/w640-h372/26921449988_6fb4f07fe4_4k_Garry%20Knight%20small.png" width="640" /></a></span></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/garryknight/26921449988" target="_blank"><br /></a></td></tr></tbody></table><p>It of course instigates thoughts of legacy but also, so many other questions about what follows. Not that I will be around to worry about it, but who will? As I think through what might happen, I realize though, those questions about who writes the obituary, who selects the songs or the flowers, who deals with the arrangements and finances, they don't really matter, they will sort themselves out. My imagination keeps returning to how I will be remembered by those I leave behind. </p><p>In March I attended the funeral of my Aunt, in her 80's and longing for Heaven. She knew she had led a full life, full of love and legacy. Not that I think she was intentional about leaving a legacy, but she was intentional about love, and they go hand in hand. My Aunt was also unable to have her own children, not my only family member who struggled with infertility, but the only one who wasn't able to grow her family biologically. Her path was the adoption of two baby girls, but her gift for loving children and giving them a place of belonging didn't stop there. As I learned at her funeral, she volunteered with children frequently throughout most of her life, and her home was often full with not only her girls but their friends, neighborhood kids, etc. Because I grew up always a province or two away from my Aunt, I didn't know this about her, didn't know we had more in common than I thought. During the 'this is your life' slideshow, her family chose the song <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y3zWyqv-c6k" target="_blank">You Are My Sunshine</a>, which was so appropriate as her light was still shining through the room of people who's lives she touched. It was also fitting that the room was filled with yellow roses, her favorite flower, like beautiful reminders of her light.</p><p>It reminded me of a funeral I attended almost 9 years ago. She was also referred to as sunshine. She was a mentor who I was beginning to think of as a spiritual mother. The light of her life was so bright she packed out a very large Church after her unexpected passing, and I made note of her life verse because her family credited it for how she lived her life. I wanted the joy & sparkle she exuded. Her husband selected the song <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wEH2wpGkyL0" target="_blank">Ain't No Sunshine</a> for her funeral, and it broke my heart her warmth & light was taken away too soon.</p><p>The interesting thing about all that was that in the early months of this year, light & sunshine had been spoken over me several times. In a fun date book my husband and I are working through, it asks us questions like, "what colour do you associate with your partner?", to which my husband replied, "I know it's not your favorite colour, but yellow, because you are like sunshine." Then two of my spiritual daughters, on separate occasions, called me a light in the darkness. And a few other comments from friends along the lines of me being a ray of sunshine. So it seems I have taken after these wonderful women I looked up to after all, and have already begun a legacy of light that touches those around me.</p><p>God seems to be wanting to confirm that truth, to give me peace about what I'm leaving behind without biological children. He keeps reminding me I am a real mother to my spiritual daughters, and that more spiritual children are to come. My first daughter was the first to say to me I would have more 'kids' than I could count one day. As I reflected on that and some other moments over the years, where God assured me I am a mother, He brought to mind that line from one of my favorite movies, The Lion King, "Everything the light touches is (y)ours." This is the only legacy I've ever wanted and so I feel much serenity that I will leave something behind which will have an impact on many hearts. </p><p>Funny enough though, apparently that wasn't enough confirmation, I also got this fortune in my cookie with our Chinese order last weekend! Hahaha! Ok, message received! 😂</p><div style="text-align: left;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjmJ1FnO6dorOsgS7MfibjHtnQ_oyK-OE9bxMyV-tpOReUAFW2SK5PIeHlQmsn_FP07kbQCod9sMD4PKtel04m62lQmzi4XY2C9qhXUbi0XJgiBIC9ERnR3qjHsGcoyXuoN17X0V7YT_UTU67IKQ9Q6Hw-3W543hHn2u0gf8EU0Qr8swyNUHhGfuL-i/s2984/20220607_104233a.png"><img alt="Fortune Cookie paper slip" border="0" data-original-height="1648" data-original-width="2984" height="221" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjmJ1FnO6dorOsgS7MfibjHtnQ_oyK-OE9bxMyV-tpOReUAFW2SK5PIeHlQmsn_FP07kbQCod9sMD4PKtel04m62lQmzi4XY2C9qhXUbi0XJgiBIC9ERnR3qjHsGcoyXuoN17X0V7YT_UTU67IKQ9Q6Hw-3W543hHn2u0gf8EU0Qr8swyNUHhGfuL-i/w400-h221/20220607_104233a.png" width="400" /></a></div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div>Save to Pinterest to bookmark this post for future reading.~Lori Alcorn~http://www.blogger.com/profile/18266077964468355491noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2291931999861262256.post-75200121082344360792022-05-14T11:59:00.011-05:002024-02-26T14:53:03.576-06:00Lessons for Building Firm Foundations<div>Before the reality of childlessness set in, I'm grateful I learned the value of a chosen family. It's created the support system I needed during much needed personal restoration. Especially when rebuilding a foundation.</div><div><br /></div><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhf8uTBq8pXa1kdLGjg9CyixmLZteCIvMUkceRtnAyNpL8vFbXhb7cuc9dlLoT9OamcP2OC9TQJA1V-b1ct4n2gH-y1O8__lG-xHB1WP7fkLXjLkfyntbUTAuFQrlJVM-6p3INENzBT5gSXJ5O-6yRVorWcHhXILcSz3MNJax3gSa460iEOS3WF-uRt/s3828/2021-11-18%2017.09.29%20b.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1985" data-original-width="3828" height="332" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhf8uTBq8pXa1kdLGjg9CyixmLZteCIvMUkceRtnAyNpL8vFbXhb7cuc9dlLoT9OamcP2OC9TQJA1V-b1ct4n2gH-y1O8__lG-xHB1WP7fkLXjLkfyntbUTAuFQrlJVM-6p3INENzBT5gSXJ5O-6yRVorWcHhXILcSz3MNJax3gSa460iEOS3WF-uRt/w640-h332/2021-11-18%2017.09.29%20b.jpg" width="640" /></a></div><div><br /></div>First of all, I'm far too extroverted and feelings oriented for my husband to fill all my emotional needs, but really I don't believe anyone was meant to have all their needs met by just one, or a few, persons. Yet, there are circumstances I envy those who have several of those loved ones all under one roof most of the time. The pandemic has been one of those. It's been an extraordinarily long season of having to navigate so much stress with so little support, and all areas of health have been impacted, but for me it's been especially hard on my emotional health. I am a people person, a heart-to-heart person, a person who doesn't just thrive on connection, I need it to survive. So, for a time I was really tempted to get caught up in the 'grass is greener' and 'if onlys' when my emotional tank was running on empty, thinking more access to loved ones was the only answer. Yes, the past two years have had some hard lessons about emotional health, but my hardest lessons have actually been showing me how little mine has to do with my external circumstances compared to internal ones. Maybe you recognize some of these lessons in your own life.</div><div><br /></div><div>Even though we didn't build our new house, in our hunt for it I became keenly aware of the importance of foundations. The timing of everything I was going through created an easy analogy that helped see my the work needed on my emotional foundations.</div><div><br /></div><br /><div><b>Lesson one. </b>Even though it became exaggerated by pandemic problems, my habit of filling my emotional tank with physical, mental or spiritual things is a life long coping mechanism. I hadn't needed to do that for quite some time though, having created a network of healthy connections has been a successful safety net to get my emotional needs met. Until 2020. Even then, I felt with so much more time and so few obligations, I could afford to pour out more than I was receiving. But, that was never meant to be sustainable, it was just for a few weeks, then a few more, and so on. Until, once again, I resorted to filling other areas of my life to compensate & replace that emotional need, and I kept it up because it most certainly had to be 'temporary.' Like fixing holes in hardwood with cement or caulking, these fixes were short-term and barely helpful.</div><div><br /></div><div><b>Lesson two.</b> As much as I love change, a complete life over-haul requires some extra support. When I was laid off at the same time as we were looking for a new house in a new city, routines and environments and communities were all changing at once. Even though I was so excited about those changes, and really knew they were what was best for our future, I didn't realize to what degree these major components had fortified my ability to stay grounded. I didn't take any precautions to seek out a few strong supports who I could lean on preventatively. It's like I was changing the foundation underneath the hardwoods, with little to no support structure to hold everything up, yet expected my floors to stay completely intact above the void. </div><div><br /></div><div><b>Lesson three.</b> When we aren't doing our due diligence, it leaves us unaware of important factors we need to know before making decisions. Important decisions like how much more weight these floors can hold up in the condition we've kept them in. Like when crisis upon crisis upon crisis was thrown at my spiritual daughter all within a few days, I didn't question for one second I was going to take on as much of that weight for her as I could. Each step she had to take to get her life back on track, there I was pacing anxiously 'alongside' her, heavy with grief and worry as I tread back and forth across all the corners of my heart. As it turned out, my floors were in no shape to withstand all the pressure. They were cracking, I was falling through.</div><div><br /></div><div>So, piece by piece I have been building back up a foundation of emotional wholeness I thought I'd already achieved, but this time I'm making sure to focus on structuring it in such a way it's built with strong resources, on solid ground, and sustainably maintained.</div><div><br /></div><div>Here are the three key changes I've made in order to do that.</div><div><br /></div><div>1. <b>Prioritize myself</b>. If I had established a routine of pouring into myself in all 4 areas of wellness, I could have been giving out of a constant state of overflow rather than trying to fill myself back up with leftovers. Now I start almost every single morning with <b><i>me time</i></b> where my starting point is filling up my tanks. I journal and release what is weighing on me, but also write about what I'm thankful for. I spend time reading Scripture and listening to worship music, grounding myself in principles that help me take care of my whole self. I pray and connect to the only sustainable Source. And I refuse to look at my phone for that block of time so that I don't end up trying to pour out before I've been filled.</div><div><br /></div><div>2. <b>Establish stable supports</b>. While I have a wide network of people who can fill me with all the positive vibes, not all of them can ask me how I'm really doing and know if the truth is coming out. I had to identify the people who I trust myself to be vulnerable with, who will check in on me when I say I'm struggling, and who will ask me questions to get me out of my blind spots. I have a handful of wonderful women who do that for me, as well as my husband, and so I've been working at sharing with them as <b><i>equally</i></b> as I check in on them. I also recognized that being in a state of rebuilding health, I needed the additional support of a Counselor who was dedicated to helping me. She immediately identified the state of my foundation and worked with me to identify where to start the repairs, supporting each stage of that process.</div><div><br /></div><div>3. <b>Grow in self-awareness.</b> My personality type is notorious for our hyper-awareness of other people's needs, like a bright high-beam that leaves everything else, including our own needs, in the shadows. I have realized that I have to intentionally create time & space for self-evaluation so that I'm continually tuned in to my emotional health, and I can catch things while small and manageable. I do this in a couple of ways, one being my morning journal time already mentioned, as well as weekly conversations with my husband. I am also constantly looking for ways to understand myself better, and learning my Enneagram type has been the greatest tool I've discovered to show me the nuances of my default patterns, growing my awareness of how to engage in a healthier, more sustainable way.</div><div><br /></div><div>It's been six months of hard work, but I can't deny the results. I feel stronger and more stable than I ever have before. And just in time too, there is about to be a lot more foot traffic on these floors as we welcome in our growing communities. </div><div><br /></div><div>Save to Pinterest to bookmark this post for future reading.</div>~Lori Alcorn~http://www.blogger.com/profile/18266077964468355491noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2291931999861262256.post-4887677390856854582022-03-28T12:07:00.007-05:002024-02-26T14:51:02.313-06:00Rest-oration<p>The paradox of a pause is that it stops things but things don't stop. Pause is just as much a verb as a noun. The pandemic paused a lot of things but that did not equal rest. Time & life marched on.</p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj9BZdJwsbf1nS-uANmj-8sCvBPnQ69UvqGG17w6Sfwf9or2Q22P3NO8AX0xNgjAx7WQXBRIb4GI3pLrhAqstrWha_REJUgrtc2RRuf4Dg1uXjHI1DAlqTe5W7RGcrhCKkwu-Fwv0Fi6wPKLo7lEEL-E1ISel5eXscsvCr_E-t6odzKXTVLtb3IE2FAMD8/s1500/Rest-oration%20Blog%20banner.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="800" data-original-width="1500" height="342" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj9BZdJwsbf1nS-uANmj-8sCvBPnQ69UvqGG17w6Sfwf9or2Q22P3NO8AX0xNgjAx7WQXBRIb4GI3pLrhAqstrWha_REJUgrtc2RRuf4Dg1uXjHI1DAlqTe5W7RGcrhCKkwu-Fwv0Fi6wPKLo7lEEL-E1ISel5eXscsvCr_E-t6odzKXTVLtb3IE2FAMD8/w640-h342/Rest-oration%20Blog%20banner.png" width="640" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><br /><b>Slow Not Steady</b><br />With many things stopped that we needed, we spent more energy finding new ways to stay on the conveyor belt of life. Yes, it forced us to slow down, to stop things that weren't crucial or urgent. It showed us there was more room for margin than we thought. But it felt a bit like using a broken remote where we had to keep our finger on the pause button, holding it in, actively ready to let go as soon as we could. It's really hard to rest when you are actively waiting for it to end.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><br /></div><div>I've been learning a lot about what rest really is the past 4-5 months. That's because I let myself get extremely depleted 7-8 months ago. I had mistaken a pause for real rest. I figured that out the hard way when I ran full steam into several situations that were emotionally, mentally, spiritually and physically draining. But they were all things I could not say no to. I knew I belonged in the midst of these difficult but important, and even good, situations. </div><div><br /></div><div>Yet I didn't count the cost. </div><div><br /></div><div>I didn't counter balance, I didn't make enough space to intentionally refuel myself along the way and ended up running not on steam but vapors.</div><div><br /></div><div>Thankfully I had people in my life who kept looking for me, finding me sitting on the side of the highway on empty, they were like angelic jerry cans of fuel. They reminded me what I needed to do to refuel myself. I went back to the things that restored me. </div><div><br /></div><div><b>Restoring Foundations</b></div><div>There's that word again. Rest-ored. </div><div><br /></div><div>See, I knew all along what steps to take to take care of myself, to keep me feeling healthy, to keep me fueled up. But I didn't approach them as a kind of rest, they were more like a to-do list I loved checking off. Like being dehydrated and drinking from a fire hose. So even when I did my restorative things I wasn't getting the rest benefit from them. The last several months I've been re-educated on the nuances of that. The book <a href="https://www.amazon.ca/Sacred-Rest-Recover-Energy-Restore/dp/1478921676/ref=sr_1_1?gclid=CjwKCAjwuYWSBhByEiwAKd_n_vOXJXQfU898qR4Cb8o0nVru2sYRtudW642ytDGXrS4l5fQJnkvUcRoCCloQAvD_BwE&hvadid=588600819321&hvdev=c&hvlocphy=9001180&hvnetw=g&hvqmt=e&hvrand=6034865016199764486&hvtargid=kwd-353175851191&hydadcr=21158_13335040&keywords=sacred+rest&qid=1648487132&sr=8-1" target="_blank">Sacred Rest</a> has really helped, as well as several wise people in my life, and of course, God planting many nuggets of wisdom along the way. </div><div><br /></div><div>Just in time too.</div><div><br /></div><div>Because seeds He's also been planting along the way are beginning to explosively blossom! And my temptation is to act on them all, immediately. Once again pulled to move at full steam ahead. But I think I've learned my lesson this time. As I shared in my last post, writing and creativity have been sparked, and the fire is now near raging, but I'm pacing myself. I'm no longer demanding I have a blog post to share every week, or even every other week. I want it to be organic, no one wants to read a forced post. Same with social media in general. Even though I know algorithms mean only 10% of my followers will read this because I'm not posting several times a week. Working from a position of authenticity and freedom is rest for me. </div><div><br /></div><div>Gone are the days of me letting my fires consume me to the point of being vapor. Sleep is no longer my only idea of rest. The crazy thing is that my brain woke me up at 5 am Sunday morning (for the 2nd time this week!) with these thoughts rattling around trying to escape, wanting to be written down and shared. So I got up to right them down. Don't get me wrong, I definitely took a nap later to compensate, but it's not just about that, it's about finding the rhythm of give and take in my passions, and keeping myself in the flow of rest & energy so that I'm always receiving and giving out of an overflow. </div><div><br /></div><div>Save to Pinterest to bookmark this post for future reading.</div>~Lori Alcorn~http://www.blogger.com/profile/18266077964468355491noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2291931999861262256.post-28270929855068453762022-03-08T08:13:00.002-06:002024-02-26T14:27:12.847-06:00From Frozen into the Fire<p>Out of one pause and right into another. Just as I felt released from the pause in pregnancy, choosing to voluntarily step out of that pause, the whole world involuntarily went on a different pause.</p><p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhTHwongQnwdlNqaxKNqu3EWgy5R3W6m_iy7Yk0oW1soaQbZl_Qk2Nh2H7D5aw3-p-6xp2POW2tS8OgPsZhMGI72nLx4_sGMRrjGOMurMu8hzMmdBWHZDBWc0yiXYls8_HNTdUANtCVIp5nWJAEs4AE4dOaKt0g63HHpsAL_rep1UO23YOfURXioLgO07Q/s1500/From%20Frozen%20into%20the%20Fire%20Blog%20banner.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="800" data-original-width="1500" height="342" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhTHwongQnwdlNqaxKNqu3EWgy5R3W6m_iy7Yk0oW1soaQbZl_Qk2Nh2H7D5aw3-p-6xp2POW2tS8OgPsZhMGI72nLx4_sGMRrjGOMurMu8hzMmdBWHZDBWc0yiXYls8_HNTdUANtCVIp5nWJAEs4AE4dOaKt0g63HHpsAL_rep1UO23YOfURXioLgO07Q/w640-h342/From%20Frozen%20into%20the%20Fire%20Blog%20banner.png" width="640" /></a></div><p></p><p>Like most people, I have been a mixed bag of everything these past two years....well, more than usual. Typically I run through a lot of the same thoughts and emotions, highs and lows, just more evenly spread out over the seasons of my life. The last ten months alone have felt more like 4 years, and that might explain why I haven't been here writing that entire time. </p><p>It's been one of the longest seasons of not writing I've gone through since beginning blogging in 2005. I searched through them all and the longest gap I could find was 5 months. After a few months of blog-silence I began asking myself where had my voice gone? Did I really have nothing left to say? Was it that I had left the pregnant pause and couldn't relate to infertility anymore? Was it that writing really wasn't a calling? A quick examination revealed I still had quite a bit to say (honestly, my doubts had been very tentative) but I realized I had situations that were drawing my stories out in ways which took a lot more energy than sitting down to write them, which left little energy for me to want to sit down and write them. </p><p>Energy has also been an unquestioningly precious commodity during Covid. When I have it I spend it on the people nearest & dearest to me, those whom I can see in person, or those whom I miss and make more time for meeting them online. And, because I'm not the only one struggling through all this, those nearest & dearest have needed more from me than previously, which means they've had less to give in return. So, there has been more pouring out and less replenishment. Which is not a complaint. I have been so privileged to be able to pour out more into certain people this last year in particular, and especially my three spiritual daughters who I've been there for through several new struggles the past two years. So, no complaining! It is a choice I would make again and again, to prioritize these people I love so much.<br /><br />I did realize the hard way though, I had been ignoring that principle I'd been teaching for years as a Life Coach - a certain amount of replenishment is necessary to be able to keep pouring out. As my pastor constantly encourages, "give from the overflow so you don't stop the flow". When I began to experience significant anxiety again last fall, I realized I had let a slow leak become bigger with hardly a thought about plugging it or finding more sources of filling. I had been in a state of fullness for so long that I let my guard down, I had slipped into an old pattern of unawareness. Plus, I let struggles I knew were temporary pile up, without seeking out reinforcements, until I was a geyser of tears at the slightest bit of extra emotion that entered my environment. Thankfully, my inner circle are all advocates of and participants in counselling and it wasn't long before I reached out to my old Counselor to get myself stabilized once again. We quickly identified what areas in my life I had been neglecting, the restorative practices refilled that my soul, but also the healthy ways to process stress which could end up plugging those leaks as well. </p><p>One of the things was that I had not been making enough time for writing, and with it the clarifying of thoughts and emotions it allowed me to do, which bolsters my mental and emotional health. I had known the value of writing for quite some time, but as I got more intentional about it again, I was seeing that writing held a very valuable place in my well-being and wholeness. Over the years, as I began to see it as one of my purposes in life, it became more about what I had to share with it than what I could learn from it. But, now I knew, writing wasn't just about my calling, it wasn't just to share insightful and inspiring notions. I began to connect the dots and saw my lack of awareness was directly tied to the fact I wasn't evaluating my thoughts and emotions through the external lens of putting words on paper (or screen). </p><p>And while I've known for years that creating and art had a very large part in my healing journey, I was forced to put almost all my creative projects on hold as we went through six months of renos and downsizing and staging, as well as looking for a new, littler place to call home. There wasn't the physical space, nor space in my schedule to do many of my typical mindful art practices that brought me awareness, joy and balance. After a pandemic full of pre-emptively planning projects to help keep me both anchored and buoyed, I thought I was sufficiently fueled up to last me through that season. And it might have been enough, but then other crisis' popped up during the exact same months, and it was suddenly like I was on a road trip in the middle of the prairies with no town in sight and my gas tank empty. </p><p>Immediately, I began to go back to square one with my self-care, examining all the things that restored me physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. In addition to continued counseling, writing and creating were at the top of the list. So was returning to space for more silence and stillness and solitude. I needed to give the pieces of my self room to reconnect. Luckily, I have been on unemployment and have had a plethora of the time and energy I needed a few months ago in order to do this. This time, I worked on rebuilding my wellness with the intention of not only re-filling, but creating routines that would become so engrained it would be hard to forget their importance ever again. I wanted to <i>stay</i> flowing in the overflow. And, as I found my foundational fullness return, something else returned to me as well. The old fires of my passions and purpose that had gone on pause with everything else 24 months ago, but now they jumped on the play button with a force so fierce it's bordering on fast forward! </p><p>It's not that I had forgotten all these passions, they still popped their heads out now and then, like like a whack-a-mole game. Covid had more than paused my fires, it froze them, and in the deep freeze only one thing was allowed to flourish, fear. First it was the same fears we all faced, and while isolation was a douse of cold water on my flames, it was a healthy fear that was important at the time. But the longer the flames were kept as embers under ice, the more fear spread and spewed it's lies that I was mistaken about them. It was only once I began repairing my foundations that the flow started recirculating, and that movement stirred the smoldering to alight once again. And those embers were eager to set a blaze, bursting out of the winter months of ember like a bomb went off, shattering all remnants of ice trying to keep it's grip. </p><p>It is at times like this where I sometimes look at one of my tattoos and laugh because I have somehow etched the clues to <i>future</i> healing on myself. As I was following one of the fireworks that lit up my world from that blessing bomb, I had the occasion to talk about and once again reflect on the 19-month old tattoo on my right forearm, which says follow every rainbow.</p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEjyQda--z3S_BQGw868OGWZTxhI8OpsR6FxeB8UHn5vsEoJowHFiiNz4uOph3_4ktsfQUPNgzCmbgoxDCj2ftdwpia5BvrVeurSMXdg5ieX-saWQxM6esOrd49r9OPIR1uMJanjO8DtBNENH5D6ElU9O0Gl1y6QhmKMq6WOWLCFzH44q4IRcHZHqvzO=s1080" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="417" data-original-width="1080" height="233" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEjyQda--z3S_BQGw868OGWZTxhI8OpsR6FxeB8UHn5vsEoJowHFiiNz4uOph3_4ktsfQUPNgzCmbgoxDCj2ftdwpia5BvrVeurSMXdg5ieX-saWQxM6esOrd49r9OPIR1uMJanjO8DtBNENH5D6ElU9O0Gl1y6QhmKMq6WOWLCFzH44q4IRcHZHqvzO=w602-h233" width="602" /></a></div>This was a message I received throughout my infertility, and while I initially chased that rainbow believing it was a baby, I still chose this as a tattoo to remind me that continuing to follow the rainbow did in fact lead to motherhood, it led me to my spiritual daughters. Yet, that wasn't the only purpose I had found on that chase. My book, <a href="https://www.thepregnantpausecoach.com/book" target="_blank">The Pregnant Pause</a>, details how I discovered writing and creating were also my purpose, they were also rainbows for me to follow. The last few years, I hadn't been following <i>every</i> rainbow anymore. But the healing truth I needed now, well, it had been right there in technicolor all along! <div><br /></div><div>Save to Pinterest to bookmark this post for future reading.</div>~Lori Alcorn~http://www.blogger.com/profile/18266077964468355491noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2291931999861262256.post-21956061851932642362021-05-07T08:00:00.004-05:002024-02-26T14:00:39.727-06:00The New Normal<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><span style="text-align: left;">We are all now keenly aware of the term 'new normal' but it's something I (and 1 in 6 couples) have been grappling with for years during infertility. It's a constant struggle to find any kind of homeostasis for a significant amount of time, so that you can feel even a small amount of normal.</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEicGD6TY1QH2sFWlEEAA8z7xo5TrSyDXSO8pHJzt-1EYG3CpuB5fy6jLcMkmRAzONSA_9isJYi66XQw5hiLpryUUewN7nY9wkh7NrRE1U4PoNYM6gVpZdHUL7MAz9Wr-Y1Fj_-4eYC7HfQ3AUh2EYzkZVxG-V1Adr30YzOHym7lheze9cgicMa4USB5Xgk/s1500/The%20New%20Normal%20Blog%20banner.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="800" data-original-width="1500" height="342" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEicGD6TY1QH2sFWlEEAA8z7xo5TrSyDXSO8pHJzt-1EYG3CpuB5fy6jLcMkmRAzONSA_9isJYi66XQw5hiLpryUUewN7nY9wkh7NrRE1U4PoNYM6gVpZdHUL7MAz9Wr-Y1Fj_-4eYC7HfQ3AUh2EYzkZVxG-V1Adr30YzOHym7lheze9cgicMa4USB5Xgk/w640-h342/The%20New%20Normal%20Blog%20banner.png" width="640" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><b>The First Waves</b></div><div>First there was the new normal of revolving door appointments, new doctors, the constant researching of options, and of course, the cycle hypervigilance! Those days may have felt long in the moment, but there was an unspoken knowledge that this wouldn't be the norm for long, so it became more of a state of 'now normal'. Another newly familiar term.</div><div><br /></div><div>Our next season of 'new normal' came after we exhausted every treatment option we felt comfortable with. 8 years into trying to conceive and we knew with a certainty that being parents wasn't going to be up to us, we had reached the end of what we could control. We had not reached the end of our hope though. This was a season of hoping for a miracle of Biblical proportions. This was the season of learning to trust God more than we ever had before. This was the season of letting go of our idea of what life was 'supposed to look like'. Yet, this too was a season we knew couldn't last forever, there had to be something on the other side of waiting. Once again, it was another 'now normal' season.</div><div><br /></div><div><b>The Next Wave</b></div><div>At that point we were checking in with each other on a yearly basis.... "are we done yet?" We went through that question half a dozen times before I finally felt the answer was yes. It actually took the time and space that the pandemic's 'new normal' offered to hear that whisper in my soul. It was time to step into the permanent 'new normal' of being childless. </div><div><br /></div><div>This is still really fresh for me, that step was only a little over one year ago. It's still weird to think of our lives through this new lens, after planning for so long for a different possibility, our old trains of thought keep trying to stop at the stations only for families. There are more stations on our journey now, but this new freedom is not as easy to step into as one would think. We now have a house & yard too large for what we'll ever need. We now have careers we've created to pay the bills but not fulfill us. We have things and thoughts we wanted to pass on as legacies. We can do something different, but what?</div><div><br /></div><div>I wonder how long this new normal will still feel new? How long before this just feels normal? </div><div><br /></div><div>And so even though we've entered a season of permanence, here we are, still waiting.</div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div>Save to Pinterest to bookmark this post for future reading.</div><div><br /></div>~Lori Alcorn~http://www.blogger.com/profile/18266077964468355491noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2291931999861262256.post-13667814000249280602021-04-26T08:00:00.003-05:002024-02-19T14:21:11.159-06:00Not a Loser<div class="separator">For a long time I felt like being childless in the end would mean failure. Like there was a winning and a losing side to infertility, and it was quite clear what the losing side would be. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhDZpJug7iZ3wON5qqfwkzYAIl2nIoA7Wx1ahcajvilsIsh4YFM2jJfVSRKFKw0dLvPC1sHVwJPcNnHPGCGCxg1_F1JV_vjsvdkdjwat2NXMVgv1QreqWg0EAcCmOHb2OVHlqnsjCLRgRrOWYZ8SXqaeAGm-036p80h2BCJfkCFwzx-w4kpJRRMjyeKvgo/s1500/Not%20a%20Loser%20Blog%20banner.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1000" data-original-width="1500" height="426" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhDZpJug7iZ3wON5qqfwkzYAIl2nIoA7Wx1ahcajvilsIsh4YFM2jJfVSRKFKw0dLvPC1sHVwJPcNnHPGCGCxg1_F1JV_vjsvdkdjwat2NXMVgv1QreqWg0EAcCmOHb2OVHlqnsjCLRgRrOWYZ8SXqaeAGm-036p80h2BCJfkCFwzx-w4kpJRRMjyeKvgo/w640-h426/Not%20a%20Loser%20Blog%20banner.png" width="640" /></a></div><div class="separator"><br /></div><div class="separator"><b>To be a mother without children would be the greatest loss of all.</b></div><br />I'm not the only one who has felt that way, or expressed this as truth. It is the undercurrent of almost every interaction throughout most of the infertility journey. The implication mostly unspoken but understood by even those not under the label of infertile. <br /><br />In fact, the idea someone would choose to give up without the full effort of every treatment and every penny, I found it to be more repulsive to those who had no difficulty having children than in those who walked in my same shoes. More than one mother berated me for even thinking of giving up when I took a hiatus after 4 excruciating years of trying. <br /><br />So similarly, I can get how they celebrate and acclaim the victory of those who do end up with children, but not those of us who don't. "What victory?" I can see them asking. Just the other week I was watching an online women's conference, and while one woman introduced the other, she explained how long they've known each other, and how she was so over-joyed to have seen her <b><i>finally</i></b> able to 'walk in victory' after 8 years, by having a child. The child was the victory. <br /><br />There was no acclaim for her victory in remaining a strong women of faith for 8 years.<br />There was no celebration for the joy she still found in life after 8 years of suffering.<br />There was no honouring what she had chosen to be fruitful in through those 8 long years.<br /><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><b>Victory was reduced to what happened in her womb instead of her heart. </b><br /><br />This brought me to tears. Partly because, that was me. Years ago when I was in the valley, and the only mountain top I could see was motherhood. But also partly because I wondered if anyone would recognize that <b><u>I AM</u></b> victorious! I am out of the valley and on a mountain top, a summit much grander than the one I dreamed of. I am stronger than I ever dreamed of, and more faithful, more joyful, more fruitful. </div><div><br /></div><div><b>I am more than infertility and because of infertility I am more. </b></div><div><br /></div><div>Now I see there is no winning and losing with infertility. It is a long series of losses, but we can choose to win despite any of the circumstances. Pain doesn't have to stop us or define us or rob us of joy.</div><div><br /></div><div><b>Victory is found in how we choose to live despite what life gives us.</b></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgoAyywG5US5eFg7gOdd_7wQCcXp6n5nCIsLz6EYVUyYRcxOZVrHAMPhahyphenhyphen2AzZub_cjUdcsKeKw07KwIxhrUbV0HlmwtEQrwV08gZpePUkEihz2hJDHMrlnLgyfRfNepud-uQ2oLZFPQI/s2048/2021-03-28+16.07.53-2.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2048" data-original-width="2048" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgoAyywG5US5eFg7gOdd_7wQCcXp6n5nCIsLz6EYVUyYRcxOZVrHAMPhahyphenhyphen2AzZub_cjUdcsKeKw07KwIxhrUbV0HlmwtEQrwV08gZpePUkEihz2hJDHMrlnLgyfRfNepud-uQ2oLZFPQI/w400-h400/2021-03-28+16.07.53-2.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">Save to Pinterest to bookmark this post for future reading.</div><br />~Lori Alcorn~http://www.blogger.com/profile/18266077964468355491noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2291931999861262256.post-30273678760497399312021-04-16T07:30:00.002-05:002024-01-08T13:47:42.057-06:00The Support Spectrum<div><div>As my many infertility years began to accumulate, I began to recognize this dichotomy in the journeys of those who shared the affliction. We were all experiencing the pain of hopes deferred, we were all experiencing losses upon losses, we were all experiencing empty arms. Yet. Every one of us had a unique path after that; what measures we would take, what the results would look like. </div></div><div><br /></div><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/ebarney/16079135674/in/photostream/" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;" target="_blank"><img border="0" data-original-height="1536" data-original-width="2048" height="480" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgpM43IiiJxYe1RkXrb8EEY1HdpxuiXO8STpmYxtgPA831gbE0zsUcqZ-4jZ3m-f3HtvO3q9Pgx6lOl-YUrHUDhyphenhyphenhx4ObNL_03e-KmtfkZzBkX2PZmBSVi7N_LRCj0-brpuZAVmpFVSRT8/w640-h480/16079135674_726ed0b58e_k.jpg" width="640" /></a></div></div><div><b><br /></b></div><div><b>Each story shared one heartbreak, but not one outcome was the exact same.</b><br /><br />I began to see how this was divisive in the support groups I tried to belong to. A labelling happened between which treatments people pursued, and a defining of what was 'good' or 'bad'. Then eventually there was division between those who ended up with children and those who didn't. And if you didn't feel the same way alongside them, then you were ostracized as well. I felt like we had so much in common, I couldn't understand why we couldn't just let each person have their own journey without acting like it reflected on our own. </div><div><br /></div><div>I then went searching for more like minded women, who saw what we were going through as an opportunity for a supportive community, those who were in the minority, who despite minor differences could understand, empathize, support, during each other during our lowest of lows. It took some time, but I found them. And I have been there for them whether they've chosen adoption, IVF, medication, fostering, or miraculously been given a natural conception after all. As they have been there for me as I went through miscarriages and eventually realizing that the end of our infertility journey was being childless. </div><div><br /></div><div><b>Every journey welcomed, every journey honoured. </b></div><div><br /></div><div>What has made the difference? </div><div><br /></div><div>Faith. Faith has been the difference. We hold on to a hope much, much larger than ourselves. We can't possibly understand the enormity of God's entire plan, and how our situation fits in, but though it's hard to trust the unknown, we all feel we can trust our known God. </div><div><br /></div><div>We all started at the same place.</div><div>In His hands. </div><div>We will all end at that same place.</div><div>In His hands. </div><div><br /></div><div>Everyone of us has our own story in the arc between those horizons, but because we share the same end and the beginning, we have the same perspective of the meaning of life, and it allows us to come alongside each other in our spectrum of differences in unhindered harmony. </div><div><br /></div><div><b>Many unique paths, but united we are even brighter and more beautiful.</b></div><div><br /></div><div>I know I've found my rainbow after the storm. Like most things, it wasn't the rainbow I wanted or expected but it has been exactly what I needed. </div><div><br /></div><div>Next week is Infertility Awareness Week, and this community grows every year, which makes it all the more diverse. Just like we've been learning in the rest of life, diversity in every community is important, varying experiences expanding our empathy. Having a spectrum of support in our circles only makes us stronger. Now more than ever, we need to embrace our differences to overcome our shared pain.</div><div><br /></div><div>Save to Pinterest to bookmark this post for future reading.</div>~Lori Alcorn~http://www.blogger.com/profile/18266077964468355491noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2291931999861262256.post-75886463676026984932021-04-07T14:17:00.006-05:002024-02-19T14:13:07.680-06:00The Blank Stare<div>"I wrote a book!" "Oh! What is it about?" "My journey through infertility." (Pause) "Oh!"</div><div><br /></div><div>Blank stare.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhTNB4l_L66J-W_yFsrQuB27tNAZcjepYBMStYHrutmvQswtD7OM92d6fX9NcQwqygfxyxgHSYWPqfcCpyIN7kM3C9mUDBIRzkvQ9FqNRHdL_lySbVikeRxZz31LQ6mM5QzoQtyRWfmj4XCxN1A6eSedX7webU5prUmGgqRBDBIPMD5KG6zIpzS8qhUpuQ/s1500/The%20Blank%20Stare%20Blog%20banner.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="800" data-original-width="1500" height="342" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhTNB4l_L66J-W_yFsrQuB27tNAZcjepYBMStYHrutmvQswtD7OM92d6fX9NcQwqygfxyxgHSYWPqfcCpyIN7kM3C9mUDBIRzkvQ9FqNRHdL_lySbVikeRxZz31LQ6mM5QzoQtyRWfmj4XCxN1A6eSedX7webU5prUmGgqRBDBIPMD5KG6zIpzS8qhUpuQ/w640-h342/The%20Blank%20Stare%20Blog%20banner.png" width="640" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div>Many of you may recognize this type of conversation, though the first half may sound different, once the word infertility is spoken the rest is all too familiar. That and the blank stare.</div><div><br /></div><div>This had been happening to me for years by the time the above conversation took place. I had perfected the art of saying anything related to my infertility with pre-emptive nuances to soften the blow for them...and then for me. No matter if it was a good day or bad day, getting that vacant gaze and awkward pause used to create this anxious and heavy pit in my stomach. Often because of what followed: </div><div><br /></div><div><span style="color: #134f5c;"><b>Intrusive & ignorant advice</b></span></div><div><span style="color: #134f5c;"><b>Fake curiosity</b></span></div><div><span style="color: #134f5c;"><b>Oblivious obstinance</b></span></div><div><span style="color: #134f5c;"><b>Unempathetic indifference </b></span></div><div><span style="color: #134f5c;"><b>Well-meaning platitudes</b></span></div><div><br /></div>This is why we stay silent. Why we find secret sisterhoods for support. Somehow it's easier to stuff it all down than to have other people inflict even more negative thoughts onto us than we already have. <div><br /></div><div><b>We'll just keep our infertility hurts and hang-ups to those who get it. </b><div><br /></div>I don't know if it's because at the same time I was getting tired of stuffing my feelings, I was tired of trying to please people in general, but they soon collided. I was told that might come with my forties, and it did. I no longer wanted to avoid making people uncomfortable, the way they chose to react to my pain was on them, not on me. And I didn't have to allow their comments to be painful. I had become secure enough in God and His will for my life that their uneducated efforts to ease their own discomfort had little to no effect on me anymore. My 'give-a-damn' was busted.<div><br /></div><div>Back to that conversation. I was at a table of my family and some of my closest friends celebrating my book launch. It was the waitress who was asking about what we were celebrating that started it all. Once she asked what the book was about, a hush fell over the whole table. They knew. They were getting that pit in their stomachs now. </div><div><br /></div><div>But not me.</div><div><br /></div><div>I just smiled and replied. When she stood there with her blank stare, I laughed and said "It's ok, this is a celebration." And with that, everyone followed my lead, had a laugh, and we carried on our merry way. Once I realized my pain was in MY perspective, and that I could anchor myself in the positive narrative I choose about my life, no wave of uncertainty or negativity could rock my boat any more. </div></div><div><br /></div><div>Save to Pinterest to bookmark this post for future reading.</div>~Lori Alcorn~http://www.blogger.com/profile/18266077964468355491noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2291931999861262256.post-45235396263068060632021-03-29T07:30:00.005-05:002024-02-19T14:08:02.163-06:00Life After Infertility<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEipW5CIc8UTk0NRqKf3zDhtarbRy2i8EA_LIlHuR_IT2tA3irC_UT2yWveNm1f2oDwagezP_cPNuBZf8S3GeVwDUYjDTnHLbOllP1ZJGSUidTx6KbYbj4rNP_Qj13T4ZvjX4xALxWrTUhLBfVt_kazsNWwtrUi_BxhVfrZVpnVvW7xWrcUwjwwF5NRPoro/s1500/Life%20After%20Inferitlity%20Blog%20banner.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="800" data-original-width="1500" height="342" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEipW5CIc8UTk0NRqKf3zDhtarbRy2i8EA_LIlHuR_IT2tA3irC_UT2yWveNm1f2oDwagezP_cPNuBZf8S3GeVwDUYjDTnHLbOllP1ZJGSUidTx6KbYbj4rNP_Qj13T4ZvjX4xALxWrTUhLBfVt_kazsNWwtrUi_BxhVfrZVpnVvW7xWrcUwjwwF5NRPoro/w640-h342/Life%20After%20Inferitlity%20Blog%20banner.png" width="640" /></a></div><p>The decision to be childless has not been exactly what I thought it would be. I'm not sure what I expected, but this hasn't really been it. The weirdest part though has been the feeling that I don't have anything left to contribute to the infertility conversation, not even to the pregnant pause space I created. I am no longer waiting in the pregnant pause, there was no pregnancy and the pause has come to a stop. </p><p><b>The waiting....that was my mess and my message. </b></p><p>The infertility career was supposed to only get easier once this decision was made. In the months leading up to my book release, I worried that if I got pregnant, it would somehow make my story irrelevant to some. But I hadn't ever thought I'd feel irrelevant once the waiting was done on the flip side. A sense of purposeless once again returned. </p><p><b>So what now?</b></p><p>My best friend, more confident than I, reminded me that I still have a perspective to share, I am still a woman with empty arms, who knows what it's like. My 14 years of waiting isn't nullified. And the waiting hasn't entirely stopped, it's just for something else now.</p><p>I was never aiming to be a hopeful example of motherhood, I just wanted to be a hopeful example of what you could do with a life in the midst of waiting. I may not be waiting for a child any longer but I can still be that hope. It may not be exactly how I thought things would unfold after the infertility waiting was over, but my plans tend to unravel anyway.</p><p>There have been a few clues scattered about as to how my infertility continues to play a part in my life. I have been part of and help run an infertility support group for over a year now. I am mentoring young women who need a strong female/mother figure in their life. I nurture with the best of mothers in my Life Coaching. I have seeds planted in my heart of other things I can uniquely offer to women struggling with motherhood. </p><p>Unfolding implies it is by my deliberate planning, unraveling is more like an unveiling of the plans to me. As much as I've tried to make the former happen, in the end I much prefer the latter. So I am working on making my 'what now' not sound whiny or impatient, but eager and excited! </p><p><b>I have all this wide space in front of me, who knows what it will become or lead to. </b></p><p><b><br /></b></p><p>Save to Pinterest to bookmark this post for future reading.</p>~Lori Alcorn~http://www.blogger.com/profile/18266077964468355491noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2291931999861262256.post-87969517117912767032020-08-28T09:01:00.001-05:002024-01-08T13:46:43.867-06:00Follow Every Rainbow<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhiGU2xWaGVcbBuvdlI3YJAW4gboI2IaUpNnguJleu5LWn6EpFX_MmvsLKrIN487BNJ2YUfGHYW9G_ai8TvQ5VFEGxi2R8ltp_DMt0-2i4imO2fICwMH-LtrvtRWr6pt9DoxiV_CHAAAmw/s1837/Screenshot_20200827-181735_Instagram.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1080" data-original-width="1837" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhiGU2xWaGVcbBuvdlI3YJAW4gboI2IaUpNnguJleu5LWn6EpFX_MmvsLKrIN487BNJ2YUfGHYW9G_ai8TvQ5VFEGxi2R8ltp_DMt0-2i4imO2fICwMH-LtrvtRWr6pt9DoxiV_CHAAAmw/s640/Screenshot_20200827-181735_Instagram.jpg" width="640" /></a></div><br /><div>I don't know when I fell in love with rainbows. For as long as I can remember I have been fascinated and enamored by the hazy spectrum of every colour stretched across a sky. I grew up in Church, and part of that fondness related to the promise of God it symbolized, which for the longest time was a nice sentiment but hadn't fully trusted for myself. </div><div><br /></div><div>Then, in 2013, I asked for the promise to be mine, for a rainbow to be a sign. I was pregnant. Certain of it. Even my husband guessed before day 7 of being late, which is when we had decided I would tell him. But then the doubts started to creep in. A few weeks earlier, only a week after ovulation, I was pouring out my worry at God's feet as fear from every other miscarriage rose up in me. I had determined I wasn't about to test, not until 2 weeks late, so instead I asked God for a rainbow. <br /><br />A rainbow.<br />In the middle of January.<br />In the middle of January in Winnipeg, also affectionately known as Winterpeg. <br /><br />I even laughed at myself, the audaciousness! “Now there’s a challenge for you God! I guess You’ll have to give me a sundog!” <div><br /></div><div>No rainbow appeared that day. </div><div>Or the next week.</div><div>Or for over a year.</div><div><br /></div><div>I was not to keep that baby. Yet, I felt like I was supposed to keep pursuing that rainbow. A few weeks later my friend saw a double sun dog rainbow and felt God whisper it was for me. Then a few months later she felt yet another whisper that I would be a mother, on the very night I had been watching the musical Sound of Music. Where they sing the song that includes the lyrics, "follow every rainbow until you find your dream." Honestly, that had always been my least favorite song in that whole show, but that day it suddenly moved me deeply. Then my friend called with her message later that night. I felt all the signs align, I was to keep trying for my rainbow baby.</div><div><br /></div><div>In the meantime though, I was overlooking other signs. </div><div><br /></div><div>Within the two weeks of that January miscarriage, God placed 3 young women into my life and very quickly after, into my heart, whom would become like my own daughters. To this day they all still hold a very important place in my heart. The first rainbows I saw after my request was 16 months later, when I was with 2 of my girls, and we all saw a double rainbow. Then on a few other occasions I saw rainbows with them or immediately after being with them. I also began to see rainbows on my travels to visit my nieces and nephews, whom I also consider my spiritual children. You would think I would get the hint. However, because I was seeing rainbows at other times as well, I considered it sweet & sentimental, but not a sign. </div><div><br /></div><div>It took almost seven years later for me to finally realize that following the rainbow to my dream of having a rainbow baby was not what God had intended, yet they were not misleading, those rainbows were leading me to follow another dream. For almost those same number of years I have realized that mentoring young women is a big part of what I want to do in life, and this is one of the dreams I am meant to follow. In fact, almost immediately after my discussion with my husband about ending our pursuits to have children, we talked about the idea we'd contemplated for a few years, and that was that we could be a safe place for those young people who would need a temporary safe & supportive home. </div><div><br /></div><div>Wouldn't you know. a month later, on Mother's Day, we had our first opportunity. We didn't need anything as obvious as a rainbow overhead for us to follow, we followed our hearts. We both realized everything was aligned for us to offer our home to this young woman, whom we already had a special place in our heart for. It was just what all of us needed. </div><div><br /></div><div>Just before her arrival in our home, I had been contemplating a tattoo to memorialize the close to our infertility chapter. Once upon a time I thought it would be a rainbow tattoo for our rainbow baby, but with all the pieces coming together, I saw the rainbow was still so very relevant, and following it did lead me to this new dream. A dream I wonder if it would have ever happened, had we had our own children. If I would have had it my way, this young woman may never have had this safe space and who knows what would have happened to her during this time. And so, I realized a rainbow tattoo was exactly what I wanted to represent this milestone. A reminder to follow every rainbow, there are more dreams out there for me, I am certain. </div><div><br /></div><div>I have had at least seven losses through my 14 years of trying to conceive, one for every colour of the rainbow. Yet. I am certain that my numbers of spiritual children will far exceed that, and like you often experience with a rainbow, that expanse will be so large you can't ever see the end. </div></div><div><br /></div><div>Save to Pinterest to bookmark this post for future reading.</div>~Lori Alcorn~http://www.blogger.com/profile/18266077964468355491noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2291931999861262256.post-50177574491972702382020-04-24T08:00:00.001-05:002024-01-08T13:46:27.393-06:00The Other Side<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgXyA3LOvII8pTQwAd0Q_7JjRPeqm2THkf1Toq8VlHBIVtI-AoKyeq0E9wsEJhomtHDxVgG8CNZ_Z5mbWzxZXVQSjLNRcuTr_v3uhx6cN2m3PtmgrNQpD5Mlil75hRKsFhW_0iEHkYO1Gg/s1600/pexels-photo-462023.jpeg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="840" data-original-width="1600" height="336" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgXyA3LOvII8pTQwAd0Q_7JjRPeqm2THkf1Toq8VlHBIVtI-AoKyeq0E9wsEJhomtHDxVgG8CNZ_Z5mbWzxZXVQSjLNRcuTr_v3uhx6cN2m3PtmgrNQpD5Mlil75hRKsFhW_0iEHkYO1Gg/s640/pexels-photo-462023.jpeg" width="640" /></a></div>
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I have been in the in-between for so long. Like being stuck in the dusk before dawn. Like being stuck on that tightrope suspended between cliffs. Suspended in air on that high wire, with nothing supporting me but hope.<br />
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Looking backwards is so very dangerous, it threatens the balancing act that keeps me stable.<br />
Looking forward is so very languishing, it threatens my focus and vision.<br />
Looking down is so very disorienting, it threatens certainty of plummeting hope.<br />
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Living out a precarious existence, nothing certain, everything dependent on my ever strengthening faith muscles to keep me from falling into nothingness. Dreaming of the other side is what kept me moving forward. Step by step. Inch by inch. It's what made the in-between doable.<br />
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And then, it's there. I look down and land is just one step away. Taking that last step onto solid ground, suddenly I feel a release in my chest, like I was holding my breath and didn't know it. Suddenly I have the feeling of incredible freedom, I have space to breathe and space to move like I haven't in over a decade. For a moment, all I could do is stare down at my feet, this ledge (with the chasm still slightly in view) and take it all in.<br />
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<b>I made it to the other side. </b><br />
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Then I look up to take in the view of what had awaited me all this time. It takes me by surprise, the nothingness. It's not so much barren as empty and foggy, nothing of form or substance. I really had no idea what to expect upon arrival, but this was not it. I knew what would <i>not</i> be here, but that still left so much possibility of what <i>could</i> be here. My anticipation leaked rapidly.<br />
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So, what happens when the other side looks like nothing you dreamed of? When the dream has to die and make way for reality.<br />
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Five years ago, God showed me through <a href="https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=john+12%3A24-25&version=VOICE"><b>John 12</b></a> that for something new to come about, something old has to die. A seed falls to the ground, but it becomes a new plant bearing many seeds. At the time, He was answering my doubt-filled questions about a miscarriage a few years earlier. And in fact, many new dreams did grow out of that death, some that became very fruitful. I just thought the death was over now that I had released that dream. <br />
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And so I asked God about this land of emptiness, what do I do with <i>this</i>? And He whispered, "You are now on solid ground, you have land beneath your feet. You now have the room to spread out, to put down roots. You now own a place to plant <i>and</i> harvest. It isn't about what the land looks like, grass grows green where you water it."<br />
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And so here I am again, burying a dream that I know is a seed. I've learned this lesson. This time I don't need to spend years wrestling with the loss to understand. This time I don't need to doubt God's desire to give me a fruitful life. This time I don't need to worry about what is next.<br />
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<b>This time I know what part of the story I am sitting in.</b><br />
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I am experiencing a reflection of the death and resurrection we just commemorated at Easter, very similar to the <a href="https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Romans+6%3A3-4&version=NIV"><b>symbolism of baptism</b></a>. My 'other side', that new ground, is the soil I have to bury all my dreams in. I have to commit them fully into God's hands. And now I am sitting in Silent Saturday, waiting once again for the hope of the other side.<br />
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This time I know I am waiting for the other side of death, a new dawn, with the resurrection of a new dream. Not just a new dream, a glorified dream, one that makes the most of all those buried longings watered with years of tears. The new dream won't be perfect, it will still have it's challenges and struggles. Such is life.<br />
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<b>After all, we are always waiting for the hope and perfection of the final other side.</b><div><b><br /></b></div><div>Save to Pinterest to bookmark this post for future reading.</div>~Lori Alcorn~http://www.blogger.com/profile/18266077964468355491noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2291931999861262256.post-25177747653674014612020-04-20T08:00:00.002-05:002024-02-19T13:58:08.507-06:00Letting Go of The End of The Rope<div data-en-clipboard="true" data-pm-slice="1 1 []">
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">Sometimes things align, coming together in a very clear way, and other times they don't. For years, I have worked towards a life that aligns with motherhood, and it's been very unclear if it will happen. Recently though, I suddenly realized moments throughout my last year have clearly been aligning, and it was time to let it happen.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhjDy5KGLWiNE0KW-3HkFMFSJJE4yC1mjxf5Wyb8EbPOl8exkn65y_VuBfHRwKw9re72_6SGxndlMwkjBIenIB1kb6ORjjhDjjL-jbNrzGJOIaLm6wGUScFagwHs7JQXLama37866ecsPw/s1600/800px-Taft_Point%252C_Yosemite_National_Park%252C_California%252C_U.S.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="425" data-original-width="624" height="434" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhjDy5KGLWiNE0KW-3HkFMFSJJE4yC1mjxf5Wyb8EbPOl8exkn65y_VuBfHRwKw9re72_6SGxndlMwkjBIenIB1kb6ORjjhDjjL-jbNrzGJOIaLm6wGUScFagwHs7JQXLama37866ecsPw/s640/800px-Taft_Point%252C_Yosemite_National_Park%252C_California%252C_U.S.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
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With a lot more time on my hands in these pandemic days to think, and so many less distractions and busyness that detract from certain thoughts, one thought in particular has kept coming back to me that I've had to wrestle with. I wrestled with it because I did not want this to be a 'me' decision, so I finally talked it through with my husband and God the other day, and feel a conclusion has been reached that has brought alignment between all three of us.</div>
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We have made the decision that we are no longer desiring to have our own biological children. We have always been united in wanting our own children, not felt led to adopt or foster, so this is the end of our chapter of trying to expand our family. We still feel God still has something in store that will use our parenting nature, and maybe even my love for babies somehow, but it will not be having kids that we raise as a mom & dad.</div>
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I know this doesn't change my identity, yet it still feels that way a little. This is who I have always been, who I was always supposed to become, and there <i>should</i> be more joy in getting to walk more fully in that now. And there is a glimpse of that. </div>
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But.</div>
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I am also confused about who I have been to this point, my misguided clinging to the label mother. It's harder than I thought, embracing the 'meant to be'. I've always longed for those 'meant to be', 'ah-ha' moments. Not so much this one. Every day of my life I saw myself as a biological mother, and have spent a life time trying to create a life that aligns with that identity. It was a life defined by waiting, by being in the in-between. In between, knowing I could never go back to a place of effortless fertility, but hoping that I would one day still move forward into the fruitfulness of family. </div>
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<a href="https://www.amazon.ca/Its-Not-Supposed-This-Disappointments/dp/0718039858">This book</a> I have been reading the past year describes this precarious place of in-between as a tight rope, behind us a ledge we can't ever go back to and ahead a place that is not ready for us or we are not ready for. I wasn't sure until now what the other side of the tight rope held for me, and now that I know it's not my own children, I am still OK stepping off onto that new ground, I really don't want to go backwards. Yet, I am still mourning the idea of what I thought would be waiting for me on the other side.</div>
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For now, I'm just allowing myself to feel. It's a little grief mixed with uncertainty mixed with resolution. There is peace and an eagerness for what this means for what's next. I am once again impatient to fill this new void...or really what just feels like a new void, this space has been here for forever. I have spent the better part of ten years trying to release filling this void myself, and give it to God fully. And now I have reached the end of the rope, and I did it, I let go.<br />
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Yet, as I say that, I hear God whisper, "nothing is wasted, I am using those years you now feel were misguided and they are actually what is guiding you to the time, place, space you were always meant to be, right here in April 2020."</div>
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I am right where I was always meant to be.</div><div><br /></div><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgDbZo8NzqLe1hJdHGGyoumibdAdO-1gRplG-fMJ2aGxPHKEqa-4U1XzofcTwVd65p10DLIuuAyMhQjJ7zcfYx1wFNrhQ01gyvPjfrFBFQDWn4met166Kre7DOTL-88vKiLbTQsaiPUB1HmNWdGdQxBiwCf46MhkAl16wfYaDAaxnR9pnQ4zr8KL0tcIt0/s1500/Pinterest%20Blog%20Post%20-%20Letting%20Go%20End%20of%20Rope.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1500" data-original-width="1000" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgDbZo8NzqLe1hJdHGGyoumibdAdO-1gRplG-fMJ2aGxPHKEqa-4U1XzofcTwVd65p10DLIuuAyMhQjJ7zcfYx1wFNrhQ01gyvPjfrFBFQDWn4met166Kre7DOTL-88vKiLbTQsaiPUB1HmNWdGdQxBiwCf46MhkAl16wfYaDAaxnR9pnQ4zr8KL0tcIt0/w426-h640/Pinterest%20Blog%20Post%20-%20Letting%20Go%20End%20of%20Rope.png" width="426" /></a></div><br />Save to Pinterest to bookmark this post for future reading.</div>
~Lori Alcorn~http://www.blogger.com/profile/18266077964468355491noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2291931999861262256.post-31947333747372335732020-03-06T08:00:00.002-06:002024-01-15T13:33:14.374-06:00Finding Support Stability<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">The precarious support system of the infertile. Sounds like an article in National Geographic. However, it's a thought that occurred to me because it is so very challenging to find a network of fertility-challenged friends that lasts.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<br />Just when you've found your people, things will change. Chances are someone is going to get pregnant. Chances are someone is going to adopt. Chances are someone will move away. Chances are people move on and don't need support any more. While it would be nice to be able to have some consistency in the chaos of infertility, those who are in the same chapter of this story will more than likely not stay that way for the duration. However, neither will you. You will find your new normal and move on as well. But during those years of no normal, it would at least be nice to have your people who understand.<br />
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While having that group of 'me too' camaraderie and empathy can feel crucial at times, I've learned that the nature of our struggle means I will need more than what that group can provide. I've recognized how important to my well-being it is to create several pockets of safe support in areas other than my infertility support group, to create that sense of support stability I am seeking.<br />
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Here are some of my go-to safe places outside my infertility supports.<br />
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<b>Husband.</b> We are in this together. My highs and lows are his highs and lows. We lean on each other. While I <b><i>can</i></b> share everything with him, it's not always beneficial to share every nitty gritty detail. I share what I can, but mostly what I need are his hugs with silent knowing and tears flowing. And maybe some really inappropriate infertility jokes that are only funny to us.<br />
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<b>Close friends.</b> While none of my closest friends have fertility issues, they have all been very sensitive to what I'm going through. They have supported every step I've taken, they've also come along beside me through every high and low. They have persistently knocked on heaven's door for our sake. They have done more than I could ever ask to show they are with me in this.<br />
Not only that, but they have all had their own very deep hurts, and it helps me to be able to help them in return. We can share the comfort of those who understands life is sometimes excruciatingly hard.<br />
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<b>Childless friends.</b> I have several friends who are not infertile, but they are women who have been denied children of their own for various reasons, and they feel that same absence of what their hearts long for. We are all waiting, waiting for that dream to come true, or for a new dream to take it's place. We may not share the circumstances, but we share the empty arms, and a profound understanding of that void.<br />
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<b>Counselor. </b>Yes, they cost something, but it's a guarantee they have no motives other than to help you, with undivided and unconditional attention. They are there to listen without judgement. They are trained to help you sort out emotions, to help process your thoughts, helping you work through areas you may be stuck in. Personally, I could talk to mine like any friend, but we dealt with my struggles much more efficiently!<br />
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I have found that having these circles of caring really help buffer me against the other circles in my life who don't get it. Something about being surrounded by the safety of these circles gives me a better perspective and higher tolerance for the well-meaning but thoughtless 'help' others offer me, and lessens the hurtful impact they used to have. It doesn't make those other relationships safer, but it makes me more immune to their unintentional damage, and in that way, has improved the interactions in a way that I <b><i>feel </i></b>safer.<br />
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And so, my support system is not so precarious after all.<div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg8voMMtt9KTv5zGDca5TUNdapb9hzqjRgJizDKrzyeWIipvqSH7Oob4mPbOp05vjhqNPniCol01k6gs6gECZAvoujQJxpmwOIs8y7aCiDoI4kM4USHttRWV9SejjzCJIpkLnlJ3QZDLhtuvdVKz61nESRtPilA4J6gfjgAVpX53-BWFl7yd6WljYwsX1E/s1500/Pinterest%20Blog%20Post%20-%20Finding%20Support%20Stability.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1500" data-original-width="1000" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg8voMMtt9KTv5zGDca5TUNdapb9hzqjRgJizDKrzyeWIipvqSH7Oob4mPbOp05vjhqNPniCol01k6gs6gECZAvoujQJxpmwOIs8y7aCiDoI4kM4USHttRWV9SejjzCJIpkLnlJ3QZDLhtuvdVKz61nESRtPilA4J6gfjgAVpX53-BWFl7yd6WljYwsX1E/w426-h640/Pinterest%20Blog%20Post%20-%20Finding%20Support%20Stability.png" width="426" /></a></div><br />Save to Pinterest to bookmark this post for future reading.</div>~Lori Alcorn~http://www.blogger.com/profile/18266077964468355491noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2291931999861262256.post-26870330062859766092020-02-11T11:28:00.001-06:002024-01-08T14:04:38.482-06:00The Breaking Point<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I found my breaking point on an ordinary day, in the middle of the week, after work in the midst of getting supper ready. Seven days late, yet when I felt the empty chasm after, it was so expansive I thought I flushed my heart and dreams too. And I was suddenly so <b><i>done</i></b> with that feeling. I wasn't certain a life had ended that moment, but death was certainly hovering. My hope, my spirit, my life, had all been slowly draining and I wasn't sure how much there was left of me.<br />
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<b>I knew it was time to take a break.</b><br />
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At that time I hadn't ever contemplated a break, it came on me suddenly, but looking back here are some signs I sure needed it.<br />
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<b>1. I was suffering.</b><br />
My mental health was on a drastic decline. I found myself in a familiar pattern I thought I had overcome. I began to intensely internalize my feelings, but that only amplified my anxieties and grief. Feeling alone, without a lot of supports, only worsened how much I kept my feelings trapped inside my mind, a 'catastrophe factory' as my friend likes to call it. Negative thinking was becoming too prevalent.<br />
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<b>2. I was stuck.</b><br />
I was four years in and I was feeling like I was standing with my feet each on opposite paths. One towards motherhood, the other to wherever non-motherhood took me. Because it's almost impossible for my legs to go in both directions, I was unable to move forward from that position. I felt like I was going nowhere.<br />
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<b>3. I was losing strength.</b><br />
It is exhausting holding on to something so tightly for so long. With no rest. Like when lifting weights, during the lifting or releasing, or shifting, the weight is manageable. But try just holding that weight, arms out, and quickly that weight feels like it’s multiplying its burden by the second. The same can be said for hope. When there is no movement being made, hope can be tremendously weighty.<br />
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In that moment, I stopped thinking of a break as giving up, because I couldn't comprehend giving up.<br />
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<b>I just had to make the pain stop.</b><br />
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I didn't have a clue what I wanted from a break other than that. And honestly, I was terrified a break meant I would miss the miracle. As if I could thwart destiny. But reaching the breaking point ended up the best thing that could have happened to me when it forced me to break from the stress cycles I was in.<br />
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Here are just a few of the break benefits I experienced:<br />
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<b>1. Finding space</b><br />
When avoiding thoughts and actions that once consumed the majority of my life, it created a bit of a blank slate. There was a freedom I didn't expect, space to say yes where I once felt I needed to say no. With no agenda or timelines to stick to, there was so much room to just be.<br />
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<b>2. Taking stock</b><br />
When my life-consuming dream was on the back-burner, suddenly there was this natural inventory happening of other goals I had long ago dismissed during baby-making. Now I was able to evaluate them in a non-biased way to see if I had been missing out on other fulfilling passions.<br />
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<b>3. Getting perspective</b><br />
When I saw life and relationships through the lens of potential childlessness, I realized how poorly I had prioritized other things I really value in life. I also realized how ungrateful I had been for the blessings that I was surrounded by, taking so many of them for granted.<br />
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Taking a break saved me, saved my marriage, and even salvaged my desire to continue down the path towards motherhood. It ultimately helped me find the positive when all the results were negative.<br />
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Just one of the many positives that came from my break is my book, <b><a href="https://www.thepregnantpausecoach.com/book" target="_blank">The Pregnant Pause</a></b>, which I wrote to help others in any kind of fertility pause. Whether you are currently in a pause or feeling the need to take one, this book details how I discovered a joyful life once again on the other side of my pause.<div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhZ1UrRS5MkGZHeNYIcP0zlDAkQ1xPOkjuOAbxLQ46dGy6oE5z661ZLt6LZNHCDywOLIpO_W3bNHNF08_dDQ2-JzjNgrVxFXy27ITdGtt86xEK1LeOLTVNM6JAYgEnBivWLeri34ixaVaIZCfLYI0kRVHs6r-9XvymUyUl8GsShe0EDrL61uo_UXGmnhH8/s1500/Pinterest%20Blog%20Post%20-%20The%20Breaking%20Point.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1500" data-original-width="1000" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhZ1UrRS5MkGZHeNYIcP0zlDAkQ1xPOkjuOAbxLQ46dGy6oE5z661ZLt6LZNHCDywOLIpO_W3bNHNF08_dDQ2-JzjNgrVxFXy27ITdGtt86xEK1LeOLTVNM6JAYgEnBivWLeri34ixaVaIZCfLYI0kRVHs6r-9XvymUyUl8GsShe0EDrL61uo_UXGmnhH8/w426-h640/Pinterest%20Blog%20Post%20-%20The%20Breaking%20Point.png" width="426" /></a></div><br />Save to Pinterest to bookmark this post for future reading.</div>~Lori Alcorn~http://www.blogger.com/profile/18266077964468355491noreply@blogger.com