When someone has had their ID physically or electronically stolen, there is often a feeling of being deeply violated. It’s a feeling that who we’ve built ourselves up to be has now been tainted by the misuse or abuse of our reputation, or good standing that we’ve worked so hard for. Sometimes infertility can give us that same sensation, like our identity has been stolen.
The Before
But with infertility, as I was losing hope, I was losing the cheerful, easy-going, positive person I once was.
The Before
I used to think of myself as an optimist, or as I called myself, a hope-timist. I used to always see the glass as half full. I always believed things would get better, a buoyant hope that could not be sunk. I always saw the best in a situation or a person. I could always find a reason to smile, to laugh. I had been through very hard seasons before, during which I sometimes labelled myself victim, and sometimes survivor, and yet through it all I still felt like me. I never lost the joy!
But with infertility, as I was losing hope, I was losing the cheerful, easy-going, positive person I once was.
The Theft
It wasn't a sudden thing, it took years before I realized I didn't feel like me anymore. It took a few miscarriages. It took unhelpful doctors with no answers. It took the losses adding up in so many other ways as well. Everywhere I looked I saw a life that didn't look anything like what I hoped it would be.
Then came the depressive episodes, so many things taking a toll on me at once. Grief, hormones being tampered with, stress from jobs with no fulfillment, seasonal affective disorder, comparison to those getting what I wanted. I dipped into seasons, not just days, of feeling depressed. But regardless of the reasons, I didn’t want to legitimize the depression because it just wasn’t congruent with who I was! One of the stages of grief is denial, and I wanted to live in denial of how much I was losing, especially of losing who I thought I was.
It wasn’t just my nature that I felt infertility taking from me. My imagined identity as a mother, where I could play out my purpose as a nurturer and encourager was being robbed. I had deemed that my sole purpose, and therefore my whole identity! Not to mention, how it played into what I thought my role was in our family trees, carrying on traditions and a genealogy that meant so much to my family. Carrying on a legacy for my husband’s family, as we were the only ones in a position to carry on the genes of his entire family.
It wasn’t just my nature that I felt infertility taking from me. My imagined identity as a mother, where I could play out my purpose as a nurturer and encourager was being robbed. I had deemed that my sole purpose, and therefore my whole identity! Not to mention, how it played into what I thought my role was in our family trees, carrying on traditions and a genealogy that meant so much to my family. Carrying on a legacy for my husband’s family, as we were the only ones in a position to carry on the genes of his entire family.
Bit by bit, pieces of me were stolen and I was left with someone I didn't recognize.
The After
The After
When I looked at the pieces of myself that I still had, I wondered what kind of life I could build with that, and would it ever bring me joy again? What parts of my stolen identity were gone for good? Which might I be able to get back? My recovery of identity began with the realization that I was created for a reason, a purpose that was designed within me to exist regardless of circumstances. I am who I am, and that would never change. I had to set aside the external situation and focus on my internal condition. The core of my being, that never deviated, not even through all that I had lost.
I dove deeply into the psychology of self, especially into personality profiling, and re-discovered my essential self, the parts about myself that I used to love, and who I knew I could be again. As I realized the value in the core of who I was, I realized I didn't have to make motherhood so weighty because it wasn't all I had to offer.
Once I could reconcile that I was not missing a piece of myself if I did not become a mother, I found I could embrace the me I was actually supposed to be. Awakening to my own authenticity was an amazing journey. I began to feel empowered to really step into my nature that I now saw as strong, helpful, beneficial, and found out I had a few other super powers other than being a nurturer. It was as if it wasn't my real identity that was stolen, but more like my secret identity, all I had been stripped of was my outer shell, but super Lori was still there underneath. For the first time ever I was able to truly embrace my whole self, and that is when the hope & optimism returned.
As it turns out, I may have detoured from my true identity for awhile, but I was never truly lost after all.
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Once I could reconcile that I was not missing a piece of myself if I did not become a mother, I found I could embrace the me I was actually supposed to be. Awakening to my own authenticity was an amazing journey. I began to feel empowered to really step into my nature that I now saw as strong, helpful, beneficial, and found out I had a few other super powers other than being a nurturer. It was as if it wasn't my real identity that was stolen, but more like my secret identity, all I had been stripped of was my outer shell, but super Lori was still there underneath. For the first time ever I was able to truly embrace my whole self, and that is when the hope & optimism returned.
As it turns out, I may have detoured from my true identity for awhile, but I was never truly lost after all.
Save to Pinterest to bookmark this post for future reading.