Wait, what? Waiting again?

Just when I thought I understood my infertility, my hormones, my journey, it throws a curve ball.

I thought entering menopause was going to make easier the transition from TTC to not. In a way it did, it flipped a switch in my brain 4 years ago that helped me accept what I hadn't been able to verbalize, I no longer felt it was in my or my body's best interest to be a biological mother. It took until 3 years ago to actually definitively make that decision, and because of what was actually happening to my body I was able to know with certainty that was the right choice. No matter how my heart wanted to hold my own flesh & bone in my womb & arms. Starting menopause was a good thing. And for almost 3 years it continued to be good for me. 

But.

That was when symptoms were everything but menstrual related. In the last 6 months they've begun to change my cycle, the hormones fluctuating & messing with my former understanding of my symptoms. The lengthened cycle by two weeks. The extra heavy flow. It is pretty triggering for someone who has had several miscarriages at approximately the two week mark. It's almost more crazy inducing than the original two week wait.

Anyone else finding menopause is like
playing the shell game with their period?

Just when I thought all the decisions about my body and fertility were a thing of the past, I'm back in the throws of having to decide what is best for my body, and more importantly, my mental health. Again. But this time I don't want to get pregnant. It's a little too trippy to be contemplating going back on birth control, when for 17 years I lived out the realization I had never needed it. 

But now I do?

I went into research mode and turns out this is a common thing. In fact, I recently recalled, when I first told my doctor I had started peri-menopause, he asked if my cycle was erratic yet and if I wanted to go on birth control. Coming out of years of my hormones being an unpredictable gong show, reeking havoc on my body and mind, I immediately dismissed that option at the time. My cycles were not erratic, I did not need to throw in another hormone adjustment to the mix.

Three years later though, my hormones have settled down. Once I figured out where they normalized at, we made peace. I had finally found some peace with my body. I thought this new status quo we had going on was more than manageable, it was good. Until, every few months they decide to time travel to 10-13 years ago when late periods were synonymous with anxiety and depression.

So. This is where I am at.

So I made an appointment with my doctor to go back on birth control. Not what I expected at 45. Not what I expected out of this meno-pause. But I need this pause to be more sane than the last one, and that means no more two week waits. 

Save to Pinterest to bookmark this post for future reading.