Finding Support Stability

The precarious support system of the infertile. Sounds like an article in National Geographic.  However, it's a thought that occurred to me because it is so very challenging to find a network of fertility-challenged friends that lasts.


Just when you've found your people, things will change.  Chances are someone is going to get pregnant. Chances are someone is going to adopt.  Chances are someone will move away.  Chances are people move on and don't need support any more. While it would be nice to be able to have some consistency in the chaos of infertility, those who are in the same chapter of this story will more than likely not stay that way for the duration. However, neither will you. You will find your new normal and move on as well. But during those years of no normal, it would at least be nice to have your people who understand.

While having that group of 'me too' camaraderie and empathy can feel crucial at times, I've learned that the nature of our struggle means I will need more than what that group can provide.  I've recognized how important to my well-being it is to create several pockets of safe support in areas other than my infertility support group, to create that sense of support stability I am seeking.

Here are some of my go-to safe places outside my infertility supports.

Husband.  We are in this together. My highs and lows are his highs and lows. We lean on each other. While I can share everything with him, it's not always beneficial to share every nitty gritty detail. I share what I can, but mostly what I need are his hugs with silent knowing and tears flowing. And maybe some really inappropriate infertility jokes that are only funny to us.

Close friends.  While none of my closest friends have fertility issues, they have all been very sensitive to what I'm going through.  They have supported every step I've taken, they've also come along beside me through every high and low.  They have persistently knocked on heaven's door for our sake. They have done more than I could ever ask to show they are with me in this.
Not only that, but they have all had their own very deep hurts, and it helps me to be able to help them in return. We can share the comfort of those who understands life is sometimes excruciatingly hard.

Childless friends.  I have several friends who are not infertile, but they are women who have been denied children of their own for various reasons, and they feel that same absence of what their hearts long for.  We are all waiting, waiting for that dream to come true, or for a new dream to take it's place.  We may not share the circumstances, but we share the empty arms, and a profound understanding of that void.

Counselor. Yes, they cost something, but it's a guarantee they have no motives other than to help you, with undivided and unconditional attention. They are there to listen without judgement. They are trained to help you sort out emotions, to help process your thoughts, helping you work through areas you may be stuck in. Personally, I could talk to mine like any friend, but we dealt with my struggles much more efficiently!

I have found that having these circles of caring really help buffer me against the other circles in my life who don't get it.  Something about being surrounded by the safety of these circles gives me a better perspective and higher tolerance for the well-meaning but thoughtless 'help' others offer me, and lessens the hurtful impact they used to have.  It doesn't make those other relationships safer, but it makes me more immune to their unintentional damage, and in that way, has improved the interactions in a way that I feel safer.

And so, my support system is not so precarious after all.



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