Movement is a natural human desire, it is what we all want in some area. I am not the most active person in the world but even my body screams out to me when I've been still too long (more and more now that I'm over 40!) But more so, our souls crave growth. From childhood on, we long for the next stage in life, to level up in some way or another.
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The Stuck Stage
And if you are reading this, you are probably like me, and we want movement in our motherhood. Being stuck at any stage, other than holding a baby in our arms, is like being in a desert with no water. All we can see is barrenness, and with no oasis on a horizon, we have no idea which direction to move in. Being stuck sucks. Why can't we just move? Move anywhere but here!
Yet tack on that little word 'on' after move and you've added a world full of pain in just two letters. People who say 'move on' just don't understand. The idea of moving on from this dream, it's almost like killing a little piece of yourself. Killing that piece that was going to be called 'mother'. Every time you try to give up the dream brings a stabbing pain of surrender.
I've been in that stage, trying to give up the dream, to find a new direction and new dream. I did not succeed at that time. But I did feel like I died a thousand deaths in the meantime. 'How did I get here?' I would wonder. I felt like I was trying to create life and yet I felt like I was dying.
I've been in that stage, trying to give up the dream, to find a new direction and new dream. I did not succeed at that time. But I did feel like I died a thousand deaths in the meantime. 'How did I get here?' I would wonder. I felt like I was trying to create life and yet I felt like I was dying.
I finally had enough and decided this was still about life. My life. And I changed the script.
I wrote my own script.
A New Direction
I decided I must definitely move, but instead of moving on, I'm moving FORWARD.
I decided no longer did this pregnant pause mean my whole life was on pause, life is for living and that meant moving forward, moving towards something.
I'm moving toward becoming more and more authentically me.
I am moving toward being my healthiest self, physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually.
I am moving toward my purpose that exists outside of the circumstance of motherhood.
These are all things I should do with or without children, yet somehow I put a pause on all these things at various times over the last 13 years. Yes, being stuck was hard, and losses drained my resources, but I realized I should have never stopped pursuing these, because I one of my deepest desires was to be able to model healthy growth for my children one day. I want them to know that life has struggles, but we have a choice in how stuck we let ourselves get. And there is always a way forward.
I made this conscious decision to move forward with life almost 9 years ago, yet it's a choice I still have to make frequently because there is still an almost magnetic pull of the pause. The muck and mire of 'what if'. But I do not surrender to the stuck. I am stronger than the stuck. I am still pursuing creating new life, I'm just doing that through my life, and if children are found in that direction as well, then all the better, but at least then I am the me (and mother) I am meant to be.
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