As I was sitting in a waiting room with my husband yesterday, I was reminded of how powerless we can feel in that room. Back in my early pregnant pause days, being stuck in the waiting room was the worst. It was a lot of time to think about how little control I had, in that moment and in life.
Powerless Paralysis
It is a unique uncomfortableness to be at the mercy of your body and in the attempts to 'fix' that, you put your time, money, energy, and, once again body, at the mercy of the medical system. It doesn't immediately start off that way, but the further you get into the pause, the longer you have to wait, the more powerless you feel.
Sometimes we get the news that we have a choice, we have a modicum of control back. In my case though, that was very rare. And none of my choices moved me any closer to out of the waiting room.
Eventually the waiting room encroached on the rest of life, and along with it the anxiety of the unknown. No answers meant no easy next steps, I was paralyzed by the questions that remained. I felt I had to wait to leave well paying jobs that I was unhappy with, because 'what if'. I waited to go back to school 'just in case'. I was so worried I would make the wrong decision, so I made as few as I could.
But one can only exist like that for so long.
My limit was 4 years.
Taking Power Back
That's when I put trying to conceive on a purposeful pause.
I said no to waiting and yes to me.
I figured if I just chose the 'no', at least I would have my power back, but saying no to the one thing that gave me purpose was just as painful at first. I was not immediately empowered, and I had even more unknowns to be anxious about for the first while. It was a few months before I received my first big ah-ha moment, but it changed everything.
My purpose is my purpose, it is not a circumstance, it is who I am!
My purpose was in being, not doing.
The ironic magic of that realization was - that is when I finally felt the surge of power to act! I was no longer paralyzed by the unknown, I was no longer scared of making the wrong choices. Some choices might still result in the circumstance of waiting, but it wouldn't box me in anymore.
Two years later I even felt empowered to enter the TTC waiting room again, and a year later a medical waiting room again. Since then I also graduated from two certificate programs, and have a new career path I am so excited about! It hasn't decreased the unknowns, we still face many of those. Now, almost 9 years since that break first started, still not out of the pregnant pause, we just ask different questions. Will we keep trying another year? Should we downsize our big, empty-ish house? And now we ask without the undercurrent of anxiety, we ask with a peace-full hope. We know we have the power to make choices that increase the positivity rather than succumb to the negativity.
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