Exactly ten years ago I first began to notice my less than 'merry & bright' self as the Christmas season approached, but it had been a very hard year in general, so I think I wrote it off as that remaining down-hearted feeling. But there was much more I was unaware of that was affecting me, and my moods were growing in darkness just like our northern winter skies.
One of those influences was a seed of discouragement that had been planted a few years earlier, and it had been fed, watered and nurtured frequently since then. In mid-December 2007 I had my longest pregnancy to that point, but on the twelfth day we experienced our first significant loss. It was our 4th year of marriage, I had just turned 30, and my younger sister announced her 3rd. It was a very difficult Christmas.
For the next 5 Christmases babies, or the news of babies, were the focus of our gatherings. And we were still the only ones in my family without children in their Christmas photo card. By 2010, I had reached the end of my rope with infertility, I quit trying, and that year my black mood started to set in as early as Black Friday.
It wasn't just infertility that took a toll. In 2012 we actually regained enough hope to try again, but over the next few winters it seemed the cold weather months' frigid affect on the vibrancy of life was having an equally 'blue' affect on our lives. Along with the loss of light & warmth, our personal losses began to pile up; loss of jobs, loss of community, another pregnancy loss. It also became apparent after a few years of struggling, that Seasonal Affective Disorder was also playing a role in this dark season of life. I began to forget I once loved the joy of the season.
I found myself making excuses for how very little room I had in my life for the festivities I once loved dearly. Presents were clutter or basically a dollar exchange anyway. The radio played all the worst Christmas songs. My cat destroyed my Christmas decor. Christmas concerts had too many kids hyped up on sugar (and kids. period.)
Yet. Somehow I inadvertently found myself still holding on to the smallest glimmer of Christmas spirit. I still found joy in some of the season's staples. Gingerbread lattes. Hoarfrost. Watching a few select favorite Christmas movies. Baking Christmas cookies with my family. Christmas lights & decorations (every where but my own home).
The darkness could not crowd out the light!
When God showed up big for me the winter of 2014, my gratitude did a major shift on the posture of my heart during the holiday season. I realized I had been letting 'me' outshine the nativity. I knew my heartaches could not compare to God's, and I could no longer let those hurts be an excuse for my Scrooge attitude. Immediately I began to try to intentionally find more reasons to love the season, though at first it was a struggle, after so many years suffering from the humbug. However, each year I've caught the bug earlier & earlier, refusing to let it spread, and have reclaimed a little more love for the season every Christmas since.
One of the songs I've added to my recent Christmas playlist describes how I began to feel.
"Long lay the world in sin and error pining, till He appeared and the soul felt its worth. A thrill of hope. The weary soul rejoices, for yonder breaks a new and glorious morn."That doesn't mean that this season doesn't still bring it's share of grief. It's still brings memories of loss and many S.A.D. symptoms.
I still need to receive my comfort & joy.
That just means I have to work harder at letting the light shine in wherever I can. That glimmer of Christmas spirit grew into a spark of hope, and now I fan the flames so that it is a toasty, yule log fire!
With a lot of effort, this year has been my most joyful Christmas in 12 years! I have fully embraced my Ebenezer! Not the Scrooge variety. In Hebrew, Ebenezer means “stone of help”, and with God as my anchor of hope, He has helped me rejoice in Him always! I will borrow this line from Ebenezer Scrooge though, the one transformed by Spirit. "I will honour Christmas in my heart, and try to keep it all the year. I will live in the Past, the Present, and the Future. The Spirits of all Three shall strive within me."
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