I am not proud to admit it but one of my coping mechanisms during the early years of fertility frustration was the blame game.
Pointing Fingers
At first, I blamed myself. A hater of exercise and most super foods, it was all my fault I was overweight and likely had too much estrogen interference. It was also my fault for naively ignoring the infertility that ran through both sides of my family, arrogantly waiting until I was 28 years old to start trying. It was also my fault for ten years earlier wishing a 'two-months late' was as much of a mistake as the relationship I was in at the time, and seriously considering a certain next step if it wasn't just late. What a horrible mix of blame and shame.
Then there was the blame for marrying someone who wasn't on the same page about children, now that it meant conception needed intervention. Of course there was also blaming the doctors for having very few answers, and that the ones they did have were wrong. And we can't forget blaming God, after all, He was the one in complete control where I had none. My entitled attitude left a lot to be desired, and looking back, I am ashamed at the way I threw around blame to make myself feel even a bit better.
Fear's Grasp
At first, I blamed myself. A hater of exercise and most super foods, it was all my fault I was overweight and likely had too much estrogen interference. It was also my fault for naively ignoring the infertility that ran through both sides of my family, arrogantly waiting until I was 28 years old to start trying. It was also my fault for ten years earlier wishing a 'two-months late' was as much of a mistake as the relationship I was in at the time, and seriously considering a certain next step if it wasn't just late. What a horrible mix of blame and shame.
Then there was the blame for marrying someone who wasn't on the same page about children, now that it meant conception needed intervention. Of course there was also blaming the doctors for having very few answers, and that the ones they did have were wrong. And we can't forget blaming God, after all, He was the one in complete control where I had none. My entitled attitude left a lot to be desired, and looking back, I am ashamed at the way I threw around blame to make myself feel even a bit better.
Fear's Grasp
What I began to realize about all the blame was that it was really fear. I pointed fingers at myself before others could, fearing disapproval. Holding myself to perfectionist standards was my modus operandi, experiencing disappointment with myself first so that their disappointment might hurt less. The fear of purposelessness was just as persistent, whispering lies I would live a meaningless life without children. I distracted with blame, but that was really just my adult temper tantrum about not getting my way, the only way I saw a joyful life happening.
I may not have been in control of my motherhood, but I was definitely in control of my attitude and it was sorely lacking gratitude. I had failed to recognize the many positive things in my life, there was so much more good than bad I needed to be more thankful for. I was also learning to have grace for myself, to care for myself but also to take care of myself. And as I explored what it meant to take care of myself mentally and emotionally, I realized I was very much in control of the positive or negative thoughts I allowed to take up space in my mind.
I may not have been in control of my motherhood, but I was definitely in control of my attitude and it was sorely lacking gratitude. I had failed to recognize the many positive things in my life, there was so much more good than bad I needed to be more thankful for. I was also learning to have grace for myself, to care for myself but also to take care of myself. And as I explored what it meant to take care of myself mentally and emotionally, I realized I was very much in control of the positive or negative thoughts I allowed to take up space in my mind.
Playing a Different Hand
Thoughts have very real power to produce the fruit we see in our lives, and those apples don't fall far from the tree at all. Thoughts are so adept and producing in our lives, we need to tackle them from both sides. Taking care of our minds means not only planting & nurturing positive thoughts, but it also means NOT cultivating the negative thoughts, that like weeds squelch and kill all the positive things that make life worth living. My gardening tools were gratitude, self-care, mindfulness, self-compassion. And soon joy was blossoming.
Joy was a fruit I expected least, or maybe just last, I thought maybe I'd be growing peace or patience first. But I think joy was the fruit I needed the most. It helped me continue to make those good choices, and see even more healthy fruit multiply in my life.
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