Hope is the Greatest Expectation

When you are stuck in the 'expecting to become expecting', it is a heavy kind of hope.

Hope Break

I used to be such a hopeful person that I dubbed myself a hope-timist. It took me awhile to get back to that after my limits of hope were shattered.

In the midst of infertility, not only do you carry the weight of your own expectations, but the hopes of friends and family can weigh on you as well. They try to be encouraging, 'don't give up hope!', but they obviously have no idea how hard it can be to hold on to hope for that long, with no break.  With all the heartbreak.

Hope may seem like a lovely notion, a nice sentiment on a pretty little sign that hangs on a wall.  For some it may be, but for me, it's been rather grueling.  

Hope for me has been gritty, like a face full of mud as you crawl out of yet another face plant.  Hope has been raw, like my finger tips that cling to the side of this personal Everest.  Hope has been terrifying, like wielding a double-edged sword, almost as likely to protect as it is to hurt myself. 

Hope has been like weight lifting. When lifting or releasing, or shifting, the weight is manageable.  But try just holding that weight still, arms stretched out in front of you, and quickly that weight feels like it’s multiplying its burden by the second. The same can be said for hope. When there is no movement being made, hope can be tremendously weighty.

A New Hope

But this kind of hope has given me what I've least expected.  The heartbreak may have broken me down but hope built me back up again. It made me courageous, relentless, persevering, strong. I felt the stabbing pain of hope so sharply, but it was like a surgery, cutting away the meaningless things in life and leaving me with what matters most. That knock down, drag out fight with hope taught me to fiercely pursue the positive.  

It brought me to a place of joy. 

During this time of recovering my hope, I heard a song and it's lyrics can't help but capture this exact feeling.

I'm not foolish and I'm not blind
I did what I could, I stood in the rain
And I waited for love to be kind
With a heart that didn't die
It just feels a little deeper
So don't worry 'bout me
It's all that I need
I'm a true believer

I get up every day
I think of you more than I should...
I just gotta say it was all for the best
I won't compromise
And I won't close my eyes
And pretend I can live with less

I believe in something heavenly
With all the mistakes

And the pain that love takes
I still believe in what it could be
Hope is the greatest expectation
And I'll never learn how to give up

~ Jimmy Wayne, True Believer

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