We are all now keenly aware of the term 'new normal' but it's something that I (and 1 in 6 couples) have been grappling with for years during infertility. It's a constant struggle to find any kind of homeostasis for a significant amount of time, so that you can feel even a small amount of normal.
The First Waves
First there was the new normal of revolving door appointments, new doctors, the constant researching of options, and of course, the cycle hypervigilance! Those days may have felt long in the moment, but there was an unspoken knowledge that this wouldn't be the norm for long, so it became more of a state of 'now normal'. Another newly familiar term.
Our next season of 'new normal' came after we exhausted every treatment option we felt comfortable with. 8 years into trying to conceive and we knew with a certainty that being parents wasn't going to be up to us, we had reached the end of what we could control. We had not reached the end of our hope though. This was a season of hoping for a miracle of Biblical proportions. This was the season of learning to trust God more than we ever had before. This was the season of letting go of our idea of what life was 'supposed to look like'. Yet, this too was a season we knew couldn't last forever, there had to be something on the other side of waiting. Once again, it was another 'now normal' season.
The Next Wave
At that point we were checking in with each other on a yearly basis.... "are we done yet?" We went through that question half a dozen times before I finally felt the answer was yes. It actually took the time and space that the pandemic's 'new normal' offered to hear that whisper in my soul. It was time to step into the permanent 'new normal' of being childless.
This is still really fresh for me, that step was only a little over one year ago. It's still weird to think of our lives through this new lens, after planning for so long for a different possibility, our old trains of thought keep trying to stop at the stations only for families. There are more stations on our journey now, but this new freedom is not as easy to step into as one would think. We now have a house & yard too large for what we'll ever need. We now have careers we've created to pay the bills but not fulfill us. We have things and thoughts we wanted to pass on as legacies. We can do something different, but what?
I wonder how long this new normal will still feel new? How long before this just feels normal?
And so even though we've entered a season of permanence, here we are, still waiting.
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