"I wrote a book!" "Oh! What is it about?" "My journey through infertility." (Pause) "Oh!"
Blank stare.
Many of you may recognize this type of conversation, though the first half may sound different, once the word infertility is spoken the rest is all too familiar. That and the blank stare.
This had been happening to me for years by the time the above conversation took place. I had perfected the art of saying anything related to my infertility with pre-emptive nuances to soften the blow for them...which in turn softened potential blows for me. No matter if it was a good day or bad day, getting that vacant gaze and awkward pause used to create this anxious and heavy pit in my stomach. Often because of what followed:
Intrusive & ignorant advice
Fake curiosity
Oblivious obstinance
Unempathetic indifference
Well-meaning platitudes
We'll just keep our infertility hurts and hang-ups to those who get it.
I don't know if it's because at the same time I was getting tired of stuffing my feelings, I was tired of trying to please people in general, but they soon collided. I was told that might come with my forties, and it did. I no longer wanted to avoid making people uncomfortable, the way they chose to react to my pain was on them, not on me. And I didn't have to allow their comments to be painful. I had become secure enough in God and His will for my life that their uneducated efforts to ease their own discomfort had little to no effect on me anymore. My 'give-a-damn' was busted.
Back to that conversation. I was at a table of my family and some of my closest friends celebrating my book launch. It was the waitress who was asking about what we were celebrating that started it all. Once she asked what the book was about, a hush fell over the whole table. They knew. They were getting that pit in their stomachs now.
But not me.
I just smiled and replied. When she stood there with her blank stare, I laughed and said "It's ok, this is a celebration." And with that, everyone followed my lead, had a laugh, and we carried on our merry way. Once I realized my pain was in MY perspective, and that I could anchor myself in the positive narrative I choose about my life, no wave of uncertainty or negativity could rock my boat any more.
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