Life After Infertility

The decision to be childless has not been exactly what I thought it would be. I'm not sure what I expected, but this hasn't really been it. 

The weirdest part though has been the feeling that I don't have anything left to contribute to the infertility conversation, not even to the pregnant pause space I created. I am no longer waiting in the pregnant pause, there was no pregnancy and the pause has come to a stop. 

The waiting....that was my mess and my message. 

The infertility career was supposed to only get easier once this decision was made.  In the months leading up to my book release, I worried that if I got pregnant, it would somehow make my story irrelevant to some.  But I hadn't ever thought I'd feel irrelevant once the waiting was done on the flip side. A sense of purposeless once again returned. 

So what now?

My best friend, more confident than I, reminded me that I still have a perspective to share, I am still a woman with empty arms, who knows what it's like. My 14 years of waiting isn't nullified. And the waiting hasn't entirely stopped, it's just for something else now.

I was never aiming to be a hopeful example of motherhood, I just wanted to be a hopeful example of what you could do with a life in the midst of waiting. I may not be waiting for a child any longer but I can still be that hope. It may not be exactly how I thought things would unfold after the infertility waiting was over, but my plans tend to unravel anyway.

There have been a few clues scattered about as to how my infertility continues to play a part in my life. I have been part of and help run an infertility support group for over a year now.  I am mentoring young women who need a strong female/mother figure in their life. I nurture with the best of mothers in my Life Coaching. I have seeds planted in my heart of other things I can uniquely offer to women struggling with motherhood. 

Unfolding implies it is by my deliberate planning, unraveling is more like an unveiling of the plans to me. As much as I've tried to make the former happen, in the end I much prefer the latter.  So I am working on making my 'what now' not sound whiny or impatient, but eager and excited! 

I have all this wide space in front of me, who knows what it will become or lead to. 

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