Before the reality of childlessness set in, I'm grateful I learned the value of a chosen family. It's created the support system I needed during much needed personal restoration. Especially when rebuilding a foundation.
Even though we didn't build our new house, in our hunt for it I became keenly aware of the importance of foundations. The timing of everything I was going through created an easy analogy that helped see the work needed on my emotional foundations.
Lesson one. Even though it became exaggerated by pandemic problems, my habit of filling my emotional tank with physical, mental or spiritual things is a life long coping mechanism. I hadn't needed to do that for quite some time though, having created a network of healthy connections has been a successful safety net to get my emotional needs met. Until 2020. Even then, I felt with so much more time and so few obligations, I could afford to pour out more than I was receiving. But, that was never meant to be sustainable, it was just for a few weeks, then a few more, and so on. Until, once again, I resorted to filling other areas of my life to compensate & replace that emotional void, and I kept it up because it most certainly had to be 'temporary.' Like fixing holes in hardwood with cement or caulking, these fixes were short-term and barely helpful.
Lesson two. As much as I love change, a complete life over-haul requires some extra support. When I was laid off at the same time as we were looking for a new house in a new city, routines and environments and communities were all changing at once. Even though I was so excited about those changes, and really knew they were what was best for our future, I didn't realize to what degree these major components had fortified my ability to stay grounded. I didn't take any precautions to seek out a few strong supports who I could lean on preventatively. It's like I was changing the foundation underneath the hardwoods, with little to no support structure to hold everything up, yet expected my floors to stay completely intact above the void.
Lesson three. When we aren't doing our due diligence, it leaves us unaware of important factors we need to know before making decisions. Important decisions like how much more weight these floors can hold up in the condition we've kept them in. Like when crisis upon crisis upon crisis was thrown at my spiritual daughter all within a few days, I didn't question for one second I was going to take on as much of that weight for her as I could. Each step she had to take to get her life back on track, there I was pacing anxiously 'alongside' her, heavy with grief and worry as I tread back and forth across all the corners of my heart. As it turned out, my floors were in no shape to withstand all the pressure. They were cracking, I was falling through.
So, now, piece by piece I have been building back up a foundation of emotional wholeness, one I thought I'd already achieved, but this time I'm making sure to focus on structuring it in such a way it's built with strong resources, on solid ground, and sustainably maintained.
Here are the three key changes I've made in order to do that.
1. Prioritize myself. If I had established a routine of pouring into myself in all 4 areas of wellness, I could have been giving out of a constant state of overflow rather than trying to fill myself back up with leftovers. Now I start almost every single morning with me time where my starting point is filling up my tanks. I journal and release what is weighing on me, but also write about what I'm thankful for. I spend time reading Scripture and listening to worship music, grounding myself in principles that help me take care of my whole self. I pray and connect to the only sustainable Source. And I refuse to look at my phone for that block of time so that I don't end up trying to pour out before I've been filled.
2. Establish stable supports. While I have a wide network of people who can fill me with all the positive vibes, not all of them can ask me how I'm really doing and know if the truth is coming out. I had to identify the people who I trust myself to be vulnerable with, who will check in on me when I say I'm struggling, and who will ask me questions to get me out of my blind spots. I have a handful of wonderful women who do that for me, as well as my husband, and so I've been working at sharing with them as equally as I check in on them. I also recognized that being in a state of rebuilding health, I needed the additional support of a Counselor who was dedicated to helping me. She immediately identified the state of my foundation and worked with me to identify where to start the repairs, supporting each stage of that process.
3. Grow in self-awareness. My personality type is notorious for our hyper-awareness of other people's needs, like a bright high-beam that leaves everything else, including our own needs, in the shadows. I have realized that I have to intentionally create time & space for self-evaluation so that I'm continually tuned in to my own emotional health, and I can catch things while small and manageable. I do this in a couple of ways, one being my morning journal time already mentioned, as well as weekly conversations with my husband. I am also constantly looking for ways to understand myself better, and learning my Enneagram type has been the greatest tool I've discovered to show me the nuances of my default patterns, growing my awareness of how to engage in a healthier, more sustainable way.
It's been six months of hard work, but I can't deny the results. I feel stronger and more stable than I ever have before. And just in time too, there is about to be a lot more foot traffic on these floors as we welcome in our new & growing communities.
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