Typically I write to an audience who are the ones grieving a loss, but over the years I have also noticed that the circles of care around them are also at a loss - at a loss for how to care for their grieving loved ones meaningfully & appropriately. And so this Pregnancy Loss Awareness Day I wanted to share this to help you in the circles surrounding the loss as well.
As someone who has been asked, "How can I help you during your loss", I've put a lot of thought into ways that would be helpful and/or meaningful to me as I dealt with the pain of grief. Actually, people in the depths of grief, including myself, often don't know what would help them in that moment, they are truly at a loss. Subsequently, a lot of what is on this list I thought of in hindsight, or came from what I do now to support those in my circles who are in the depths of hurting. I would also like to mention before I get going on my lists, that while I labelled this post for pregnancy loss, I want to express that these gifts also apply to many other types of loss related to fertility & family losses, such as an infertility diagnosis, a failed fertility treatment, childlessness due to various reasons, etc. These are important losses to recognize as well, and need just as much care & support.
1.Gift of Presence
In the early years of experiencing pregnancy loss, I hardly told a soul what I was going through, so when I did tell someone, what I needed most was someone who's presence I could trust. I needed someone who would listen to what I wanted to share without judgement or fixing. I needed someone who could acknowledge my loss was a real loss, that this was really difficult, and that I had the right to the way I felt. I needed someone who would just give me the gift of their presence, who could be with me through the various stages I was in. I needed someone who would keep showing up, to keep checking in on me as I moved through how to move forward. Grief has no timeline, so someone who continued to ask about my grief long after the first month, that was one of the greatest gifts of all. Having my loss seen and acknowledged in a way respectful of my journey was THE best gift.
If someone has opened up to you about their loss, you are someone special who they trust in, and believes you can give them the gift of presence, don't discount how incredibly supportive and meaningful it is to just show up for someone.
2. Gift of Grace
If you have not been through loss & grief yourself, it may be hard to understand how overwhelming and all-encompassing it can be. There is no comparing depths of grief for different types of losses, but couples experiencing fertility losses often also experience expectations their grief will be less than it would be for a living person's death. The truth is, the impact grief has on a person's well-being is the same, no matter the type of loss. Grief is a powerful force which can continue adding to our losses, such as loss of sleep, appetite, focus, memory, energy, peace, and many other things that make it difficult to exist the way we did before our loss. We are often struggling to be a functional human, and we will also likely struggle to be the friend, child, sibling, spouse, co-worker, etc. that you are used to, and we will need your grace as we find our way to our new normal. When we forget to return a call, an important date, or to thank you for something you did, please don't assume any ill-intent, we are running on reduced capacity and your graciousness will be a gift we greatly need.
3. Gift of Empathy
If you have been through loss & grief of a similar nature, you have the ability to understand what they are going through and can share the emotions they are experiencing. Offering to also share your experience might be just what they need to hear, so they don't feel so alone, however it is best to ask them if they are ready to hear your story. Everyone's path through grief is different, and depending on the stage they are at, and they just may not be in a place where this will be helpful yet. Especially depending on how similar or different your journey's are, so it is best to let them decide whether your story will be helpful to them in that moment. But even if they are not able to hear your story yet, you are still able to empathize with their experience and can acknowledge their grief when they share with you.
4. Gift of Words
Like the gift of presence, something as simple as a few words to show someone you are thinking of them during their loss really means a lot. It's another acknowledgement that their loss is seen, and therefore real. Experiences like pregnancy loss, a diagnosis, a failed treatment, etc., these can all seem like 'invisible' losses, considered by some too minor to grieve, so honoring their loss with just a simple, heartfelt sentiment means the world.
If you don't think you have the words, look for a specialty card - there is a world-wide web of niche items and you never know what you may find that says it perfectly for you. Or find a grief related quote, song, poem, as many people have been through loss before and have made art out of their experiences to help others. This is exactly why I created a collection of 21 grief art prints, to give people a voice of comfort & hope during times of loss.
And of course, you can always say you don't have any words but that you love them. That is enough as well.
5. Gift of Service
As I already mentioned, during the depths of raw grief our capacity for the simple tasks in life can be severely diminished. Innately we know this, as most everyone will say something along the lines of, "let me know if I can help," but inevitably the person grieving doesn't, as asking for help just becomes one more thing in a long list of things to be done while they are trying to just survive. So the best way to serve someone would be to come up with a few ways you are capable of providing support and offer them as options. Here are some ideas to get you started:
~ mowing or weeding the lawn ~ walk the dog ~ get & sort the mail ~ bring a meal ~ wash the dishes ~ take out the garbage ~ shovel when it snows ~ clean the bathrooms ~ babysit kids ~ pick up groceries ~ driving them for errands ~ gift card for meal delivery service
And don't forget to give them options for days & times as well, providing a few of your available times will give them more freedom to say yes to which one works best for them.
6. Gift of Self-Care
As I mentioned before, if someone has shared a pregnancy loss, or other fertility loss with you, then you are an especially trusted person. Sharing of this nature opens up the opportunity for insight or to ask questions as to the kind of self-care they need to focus on their well-being.
Has their loss been felt physically and impacting the health of their body? Aromatherapy can do wonders to help the body relax and allow releasing of stress so that it can focus on healing, especially lavender and eucaplyptus. Heat often is a helpful, soothing element for people in physical discomfort or pain. Here are some items I put in the grief gift care packages I make. Click the links to find a description of benefits these items offer.
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| Candles |
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| Hot/Cold Therapy Bags |
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| Bath Salt Soak |
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| Calming Tea |
Has their loss been impacting their mental health? Giving themself the space (time & environment) to process their grief can help the mind let go of unhelpful thoughts and improve emotion regulation. Whether it's by pouring out or taking in new insights, finding their voice is important for healing. Other options I include in my grief gifts are...
Or are they a person who benefits from having a touchstone to their loss? Something they can keep that serves as a remembrance of the love they still have in their heart. An item they can carry with them at all times can be very healing. There are many types of memorial jewelry pieces, as well as other items like keychains are small and discreet if they wouldn't want as much attention to it. I even work with a local nail polish boutique who has a couple of specially made colours to recognize loss of pregnancy and loss of child, for those who are not quite ready to fully express their grief, but appreciate their own visual reminder just for themselves. Here are some examples of what I have included in my grief gifts.
As I created this practical list of gifts for my own care packages, I decided last year to create a business where I could make these grief gifts on behalf of others. Sometimes those who want to help are also grieving or feel helpless or feel there are too many options, and so I wanted to make giving these gifts easier for more people. You can totally run with all the ideas I shared here, making it your own, but if you are in the Winnipeg, Manitoba area, you can also have me personally create a customized package for someone you want to support, it would be my privilege to help you care for someone at a loss.
7. Gift of Remembering
It is okay for you to bring up a known loss in conversation and ask how they are doing, even if it seems like they've stopped talking about it. So often, those grieving can pick up cues that people around them don't want to hear about their loss anymore, so they will stop sharing. Grief never really ends, it changes, but in some form or another it will always be there, so bringing up our loss will not remind us and bring up a pain we've forgotten, it will show us that you remember our loss and you haven't forgotten. And when you bring it up, it is an invitation for us to speak freely about it.
The other thing to note is the importance of dates & holidays. There will be some level of remembering which we experience on those days, and for some, sometimes, it can be like experiencing grief as fresh as the day of our loss. Anniversaries of loss, due dates, mother's/father's day, and other milestone days all bring about the 'what if's' that can bring grief flooding back. A few words from you on that day can be a light in a dark moment. The only thing harder than facing those dates every year is remembering alone.
Remembering with someone can be as simple as a, "thinking of you today" message, or a quick call to say "I am remembering with you today." Maybe you send a card to say something similar. If it's a significant number, like the one year anniversary, or tenth depending on the person, you might think a memorial type gift is appropriate as well, but mostly we would just appreciate an acknowledgement that people care enough to remember with us.
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