The Enneagram is so much more than a personality tool, and therefore the patterns in behaviour that emerge align with knowledge from the psychological world, and through that lens we can identify our default reactions to emotions and situations, such as grief & loss.
Psychology has identified that the human psyche categorizes our behavioural tendencies into groups of threes, the terminology for them is called Triads, and those who have studied the Enneagram for decades have been able to identify Triads connecting tendencies amongst all nine Types. Some of these Triads identify things like:
1. how we relate to the world (are you an idealist, a pragmatist or relationist)
2. how we regulate our emotions (seeing a positive outlook, or being reactive or suppressing)
3. how we respond socially (are you aggressive, compliant or withdrawn)
4. how we see ourselves in relationship to others (attached, frustrated, rejected)
These all impact how we respond to loss, stress, disappointment, etc., especially depending on what it is we have lost. A person? A way of life? Our identity?
Awareness is the first piece.
Communication is the next piece.
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Psychology has identified that the human psyche categorizes our behavioural tendencies into groups of threes, the terminology for them is called Triads, and those who have studied the Enneagram for decades have been able to identify Triads connecting tendencies amongst all nine Types. Some of these Triads identify things like:
1. how we relate to the world (are you an idealist, a pragmatist or relationist)
2. how we regulate our emotions (seeing a positive outlook, or being reactive or suppressing)
3. how we respond socially (are you aggressive, compliant or withdrawn)
4. how we see ourselves in relationship to others (attached, frustrated, rejected)
These all impact how we respond to loss, stress, disappointment, etc., especially depending on what it is we have lost. A person? A way of life? Our identity?
Awareness is the first piece.
Understanding a Type will give us insights about how that Type will respond in a certain way to the loss of someone or something, or how they may rely on a default behaviour when stressed or feeling insecure. Through Enneagram typing in particular, we can gain an understanding about our tendencies within our reactions to not having needs met and recognize our specific coping strategies. All this helps us recognize defaults that may not serve us during loss & grief, so we can begin to treat ourselves and others in a more helpful & healthy way. Understanding our Type can also provide insight into how to care for ourselves, both proactively before loss & stress, or during. There is a lot of information on what nurtures & heals each Type in the four areas of health; mind, body, heart, soul. With the Enneagram we have awareness of what we need in order to live within the healthiest levels, to make better choices in taking care of ourselves, giving us a deeper reserve of health to draw from during hard times.
Communication is the next piece.
When it is we who are in pain, it’s about creating an honest dialogue, really allowing ourselves to be authentic and allow people to know what’s going on. That means we have to be aware before we can share. Sharing the awareness piece we’ve discovered with our people is very important, but then also giving them permission to talk to you about it if they witness behaviours that you’ve identified as unhelpful. It’s also very effective to include your support circle in creating new coping strategies that you can implement for your Type, and create accountability there as well. Being honest about your hardest moments with others, asking for help in recognizing certain behaviours, and creating accountability, this can all help us avoid the tendencies towards unhealthy & unhelpful coping mechanisms that we might normally default to.
If you are trying to support someone else who is in pain, communication is still the key. You may find reading about their Type can help you respond to them with more empathy and understanding, which is a great place to start. You may pick up on cues about what they need by understanding their Type better, having a base understanding of the ‘why’ behind their reactions. It may also help you ask the right questions to help them become more aware of their behaviours. The one thing we should never do if we know someone’s Type (or even more so if merely speculating) is to tell them what they need to do, based on the information we have. Changes in a person’s behaviours & reactions is a personal journey that only they can facilitate awareness into, they have to invite that truth in, not have it thrust upon them, for it to create lasting transformation.
If you are trying to support someone else who is in pain, communication is still the key. You may find reading about their Type can help you respond to them with more empathy and understanding, which is a great place to start. You may pick up on cues about what they need by understanding their Type better, having a base understanding of the ‘why’ behind their reactions. It may also help you ask the right questions to help them become more aware of their behaviours. The one thing we should never do if we know someone’s Type (or even more so if merely speculating) is to tell them what they need to do, based on the information we have. Changes in a person’s behaviours & reactions is a personal journey that only they can facilitate awareness into, they have to invite that truth in, not have it thrust upon them, for it to create lasting transformation.
Practice Makes Progress
No one will take the information from the Enneagram and get it perfect immediately, making 100% healthy decisions going forward. It is a journey, but it's one that the creators of the Enneagram understand well, and they provide a lot of insight and support for traveling within the health levels of each Type. The Enneagram Typing system is unique in that it not only accepts we go through very difficult things in life, which will impact our behaviour & personality, but it also emphasizes the importance of grace and compassion for the journey. The objective isn't to course correct in order to fit perfectly into a framework, the objective is to be able to use the framework to guide us towards progress in our healing. The journey is up and down, and messy, but it would be that way anyway, having the Enneagram as a resource is like having your own personal guide on the journey that helps you understand how a particular road is impacting you specifically, and how you can learn from that.
If you would like to understand more about your Enneagram Type, or how to discover yours, I would love to support you in this incredible journey, feel free to reach out!
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