Loneliness is quite prevalent amongst those of us going through infertility and childlessness, more so than the loneliness epidemic they say is happening lately. There are quite a few factors that layer into the complexity of just why those of us without children feel more isolated than most.
Infertility Isolation
I shared on my social media a few weeks ago that one of those reasons is that when we have a family of one or two, we don't have a built in social system under our roof, one that we can always count on inside our home if we are struggling to find one outside it. Which, as most all of us probably know, can be very difficult when a lot of the world defines belonging as fitting in. We can often feel like our only way to fit in to most circles is to play the 'kid card,' but our lack of parenting accessories & lingo flashes like a big neon sign.
And, even though statistics say we should know someone going through something similar, one or two others who understands, this does not increase our chances of finding people like us to fit in with. The nuances of each journey, and the nature in which we each process it, leaves a lot of room for disconnect. I looked long and hard for years to find women who were going through what I was, and for the first 8 years, rarely could I find anyone who wanted to talk about it, or was nearby enough to connect with regularly.
Suffice it to say, we all know when we're in the depths of loneliness how crucial connection is. We don't have to understand it's relation to resilience to feel it's affect on our quality of life. It's obvious to us that without even a small handful of uplifting people where we feel accepted & supported, we fail to thrive. We don't bounce back from our struggles & setbacks very easily without encouragement. Our hope & optimism grow weary without fresh perspective & inspiration.
If you are anything like me, you have probably made really great attempts at shifting out of the solitude towards finding support, yet still find yourself feeling alone. Maybe it's been life circumstances changing, like moving to a new place or changing jobs, which instantly takes away important community you've been part of. Maybe based on the medical side of what you are going through, you physically don't have the capacity to go out and be social. Maybe your circles just haven't enough life experience to be flexible & empathetic, and therefore haven't the capacity to adapt with you as your life has changed.
Whatever the reason, it most often feels like our loneliness is out of our control.
Support Strategies
There is no magic bullet, but with intention & strategy we can lessen our loneliness. I recognize that everyone relates & creates relationships differently, there isn't a one-size-fits all solution for everyone, so here is my exhaustive list of various ways you can seek out support. And let's face it, life changes, circumstances change, people change, so the connections that come from these suggestions don't have a lifetime guarantee, we will need to revisit this list again and again in our lives, especially for those of us who end up childless.
So, let's dive into some ways you can level up your support.
1. Start with what you have
There are usually relationships we already have that, while they haven't been exactly what we have been hoping for, they can still provide you with some level of support & encouragement. Think of those in your life who are a source of light, hope, positivity and/or inspiration in your life. They are a prime candidate!
I know a lot of people typically rely on spontaneous connections to their people, but when we find ourselves lacking & depleted, one way we can be more intentional about replenishing support is to be honest with our trusted people to admit we need more from them for a season. It can be hard to be vulnerable (and some of you may worry about seeming too needy....been there!), but without support you are making yourself more vulnerable.
Some suggestions you could ask a friend for are;
~ a certain day of the week they send a text message to check-in with you how you are doing
~ a regular & consistent scheduled date that is a non-negotiable in both your calendars
~ a weekly video chat date using an app like Facetime or Marco Polo (which doesn't have to be live)
~ a good old fashioned phone call at a certain day & time every week
~ joining you in a daily online challenge, or maybe a weekly in-person activity
Intentionality is huge because having connections that are deliberate, predictable and dependable go a long way in helping us feel supported. Not only do we get all those benefits of an uplifting relationship, but when a connection is interwoven into our lives, it enhances our well-being at a more foundational level. So, putting in a little extra work, using a little courage & persistence, and asking for a little more from friends is SO worth it.
2. Don't settle for less
When we are lonely we can often start making compromises and turning to relationships that we know haven't been the healthiest. When we are stressed, it is especially hard to draw helpful boundaries, but this is exactly when we need to be around people who will respect our 'no', who will want to help protect our choices, who will focus on positive instead of weighing us down with critiques and complaints. In these cases, their company is not of equal value to the connections you actually need to feel less alone, and in fact time with these people can actually accentuate your feelings of loneliness.
If you have people in your life who seem to take more than they give, and you have trouble maintaining a healthy balance and/or distance with those relationships, I would strongly suggest reading Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud. It not only explains the importance of boundaries, but also gives excellent examples of how to implement them, and how it can change relationships to become more healthy. With good boundaries, some of the people in your life who are currently draining could grow into a new supportive relationship.
3. Take the next step
We often put the heaviest expectation for connection on our closest circle, but who were they before they were your people? At some point they were a stranger, an acquaintance, a co-worker, a neighbor. Starting up your relationship radar, look for those people in your life right now who you tend to gravitate towards, those who lift up your spirits, who lighten your mood, who inspire hopefulness & joy. Who are the great listeners in your communities? Who are the ones quick to offer encouragement? Who seems to share your values or perspective? These people are a great place to start taking deeper steps into relationship with.
Yes, once again, this requires putting ourselves out there, being the initiator. Don't let the 'what ifs' scare you away, because think about what would have happened if no one had been brave enough to take initiative between you and your best friends in life. There is always a risk, but risks can create the greatest rewards.
4. Support can be found in any group
I'm a believer that we all have a lot more in common than we think, but with the default conversation 'go-to's' it can be challenging to identify them. This is why I heartly recommend joining an interest/hobby group, or a class, so you know immediately what it is that you all have in common. There are groups & classes for almost any thing these days, though depending where you live that may not be in person, however it is very likely you can find one online. Identifying with a niche group is all the rage these days, so there is bound to be some group out there that you resonate with.
The wonderful thing about these groups is that you all have a baseline of something in common, so there is always a starting point for conversations. The other great thing about groups in general is that the more people you are meeting, the greater your chances of finding a deeper connection with at least one person. Almost all of my closest friends in the last 15 years have been women I've met in a group around a table, starting with that one thing in common.
It's been taking me quite some time to develop some new relationships since I moved to a small city two years ago, and with self-employment adding to my lack of meeting new people, I've been on the look out for groups I can join to help me during this transition. So far I haven't found any in-person yet but I've taken a few classes online and they have been the highlight of my week!
5. Support Groups provide support
This one is an obvious one, yet a lot of us are still quite averse to joining one. Whether it's misconceptions of what these groups are like, or our own social anxieties in groups, it is worth fighting through these perceptions to give a group a chance.
Support groups have all the great benefits of an interest group I already mentioned, but something that a support group offers is everyone there faces specific challenges, has particular hardships, and unique situations not a lot of others do, but in that support group you find 'me too' moments in what others share, and it can really help alleviate your feeling of being alone in your pain.
There is a little caveat I'd like to share from personal experience though, and that is that groups created around a broader infertility umbrella have unique pros and cons. As I shared at the top, even when we meet people going through something similar to us, the nuances of our individual journeys don't automatically mean we connect. Women attending these groups range from raw to resigned and everywhere in between, most with an undercurrent of hurt raging under the surface. Every group will be a different set of dynamics, and you likely won't know what the result will be until you show up. I found this out as I started trying out different types of support groups available in my area, as I wrote about a few years ago.
The other unique trait of an infertility support group is that as people's journey's continue, some find their path to children and leave the group, member turn over being much more frequent than normal interest groups.
That being said, I still encourage you to show up! I went to a group for awhile that 50% of the time I didn't get a lot from the group time, but I'd end up connecting with someone one-on-one and I'd still leave feeling a little less alone than I felt before I came. It took a few tries to develop the circle of women that became my infertility tribe, and I'm so glad I didn't give up because they've been instrumental in helping me come to terms with being childless, and moving forward in hope.
If you don't know where to start looking, I would suggest two fairly large organizations that have support groups nationwide, RESOLVE and Fertility Matters Canada. Of course, a Google search can likely also find more local, smaller groups. If you would prefer a faith-based group, try a search with that in the field, or contact your Pastor to see if they know of a group through their network.
6. Being Social on Social
They say social media has actually increased loneliness because of the tendency to scroll rather than engage, but if you are looking specifically for people to engage with, social media has a plethora of very niche tribes that are there specifically to offer support to their people. For example, I first began following ALL the infertility accounts I could find, but as time went on and I ruled out certain options to becoming a mother, I curated my feed by eliminating the account communities that didn't resonate with my choices anymore. If you have a specific diagnosis like endometriosis or PCOS, there are communities just for you. If you know you are going to go through IVF or adoption, there are communities just for you. To the extent you are willing to engage with these social communities, they will engage back, and they invite interactions consistently in a variety of ways. They are also great resources to find out about events, some are connected to in-person events that happen as well.
The same thing that I said about groups is true for interacting with a multitude of people in a social community, it increases your chances of finding the person, or people, you might be able to develop a closer connection with. This has happened to several people I know, though it took a few years for me to encounter this myself. Thanks to a recommendation of a podcast, I felt drawn to a woman who I then reached out to online and ended up connecting with over Instagram, and within a short time we had developed quite the rapport. Less than 18 months later, I now have a dear friend way across the pond in England! We chat weekly, sometimes even daily, and we send each other Marco Polo videos because of the six hour time difference. We have so much in common it's almost uncanny; we're both childless not by choice, self-employed, an Enneagram Type 2, working with people facing losses, and the list goes on. We understand so much of each other's lives, so we have a rare & special ability to empathize & encourage each other. Why the person I have the most in common with has to live over 6000 km away, I don't understand, but I am so incredibly grateful that we've found each other, and for the technology to stay connected.
7. Paying for it doesn't make it cheap
The idea of paying someone to connect with you, I admit, immediately brings to mind a mom bribing some neighborhood kids over to play with her child, or something equally as embarrassing. But that is not where this is going, I promise you! We're talking about employing the services of professionals who relate to people for a living, who are trained active listeners, and who care about supporting you.
This is not a last resort, even though it's the last point I'm offering, but I do want to say that they are a reliable source of relationship no matter what season you are going through, they are available at your convenience. I know that none of the other suggestions are guarantee to solving loneliness, they take time, they take effort, and sometimes it can be really disheartening waiting for the results of our investment. Like a starving person watching the seeds they've planted, watered, and fertilized, it can sometimes be an agonizingly slow process. And this is where the consistent dependability of a professional can especially be beneficial.
During varying seasons of my life, the lonely and not so lonely ones, I have benefited from time spent with a Counselor, a Life Coach, and a Spiritual Director, never all at the same time but there has been some overlap. With each one, I have the opportunity to sit across from someone who gives me their undivided attention, listening simply to be able to encourage & support me and my journey. They are able to provide a lot of the things we are craving in our isolation, like; feeling accepted for who we are, genuine curiosity about us, empathy & compassion for our struggles, and offering of a new perspective & hope.
These 3 people impacted my life tremendously, I have moments with each of them that will live on in my heart forever, and each one of them has made/makes me feel so seen. Their presence in my life helps me keep a baseline of emotional health, so that while I still have my moments of feeling quite lonely, I don't sink into the sadness like I used to.
I know that each one of these strategies means being brave, means advocating for yourself, means being ok with showing up differently. As someone who still has to revisit this list, and do those things as well, I want to tell you that I'm sorry you are in a place where you have to strategize to get the support you deserve. I so wish I had the magic bullet, for loneliness and for the many other struggles that accompany infertility, but in the absence of magic I offer you my presence & support as well. If you ever need to talk, to be encouraged, to feel seen, that's what I'm here for.
You can find me most consistently on Instagram @AtALoss_InfertilitySupports or by email atalossbox@gmail.com.
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